Self-Sucking 101: A Beginner's Course To The Fine Art of Auto-Fellatio

(An alternative title to this lesson: How to ensure that you will never leave your bedroom ever again)

Woody Allen once said "Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love." While I don't want to discredit Woody, mostly because he makes good movies, you can always do better than your right hand. Which is why I'm sharing my secret on how to self-suck. Let's face it: if you want the job done right, you gotta do it yourself. And I'm here to teach you how to do it yourself.

There are two methods of pulling this off: The first is the "Be Born With A Huge Dick" method. The only problem with this is that you really only get one shot at this, and let's face it: if you're reading this, it might be a little late to change that part. The second method is the "Flexibility" method. If you have a normal sized-dick (I'm packing six inches, which I think is about 7 in porn length), all it takes is a little stretching and some good ole fashioned determination to pull this off. But I'm rambling now; Let's start the lesson.

Step 1: Find A Comfortable Spot

You're gonna need a lot of room and a soft area. If you have a decently-sized bed, use it. The softer the better too; it allows you a little more bending in your back. And believe me, you're gonna need it.

Step 2: Drink Up
Actually, there's really never a bad time to start drinking, but in this case, the booze will probably take some of the initial discomfort out of the equation, which is always a plus really.

Step 3: Limber Up
You want to focus on two areas here: The abs and the lower back. These two are gonna be stretching and pulling in order to get point A to point B, so feel free to stretch these out as much as you can without breaking and/or tearing something.

Step 4: Drink Some More
Because really, why not, right?

Step 5: Get Hard
This one is kind of a no-brainer; the bigger your dick is when you're trying to pull this off, the better. Throw on a good DVD, light some candles, put on Barry Manilow or whatever it is you people listen to, just get yourself in the mood. This step actually just goes further than your dick: sexual stimulation actually causes your body to become less receptive to pain and allows for greater flexibility in the joints, both of which are useful to going down on yourself.

Step 6: Assume The Position
You can either go at it from a regular sitting position, but if you want to make this easier on yourself, the legs-over-head position work best. The added gravity will help get your dick closer to your mouth, which is a huge help. Simply lie on your back and swing your legs over your head. Also, be sure to grab your dick at the base. It'll keep the blood in your erection while still allowing you to maneuver and pull your dick as needed. For the sake of getting a good shot, I kept one leg extended, but honestly, unless you're filming yourself, just send bother legs over your shoulders.

Step 7: ???
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Step 8: Profit!
Now, just go to town. If you have enough bend and enough dick on your side, it's just a matter of finishing yourself off. Don't be afraid to swallow too: Self-Sucking is actually a pretty decent ab workout, and that's some primo protein shooting out of your junk there, homeskillet. Waste not want not.

Step 9: Get Up Slowly

Once your done, roll yourself out and get up at your own pace. Chances are you just placed all your weight on your neck and head, so getting up too fast might result in a serious head-rush.

Step 10: Fuck It, Let's Drink Some More
What? Vodka goes bad once you open it. Do you know how many starving Ethiopian kids would love to get a drink in their bellies? Think about that, you uncaring asshole.

Well, that's it. I've taught you everything I know. Go forth and go down on yourselves, kiddies.