Gleecap: Home

Open on Kurt and Mercedes in Sue's office. Sue has been named Cheerleading Coach of the Past 2000 years. Admittedly, the competition wasn't exactly all that steep, but still, good for her. Mercedes has been ordered to drop 10 pounds, else she be kicked out of the Cheerios.

Back out in the real world, Sue's taken over the auditorium, and so it looks like Will is fucked. Kurt tries desperately and fails to get Finn's attention, while Brittany and Santana share the secret to being skinny with Mercedes. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't involve eating. Brittany further continues to be the best dumb person on TV ever.
Meanwhile, Finn is upset that his mother is selling her and her old husband's wedding set. We also get a very uncomfortable account of how exactly Finn was conceived: On a pinball table. In all fairness, I was conceived on a Super Nintendo, so I know the feeling. Further fuckery is revealed when Mama Finn reveals that she's dating Papa Kurt. GASP!

Meanwhile, Shue is at a roller skating rink to try and find a place to rehearse (quick aside: really?!) and lo and behold, it's April Rhodes! No relation to Erik. Cue the duet! As it turns out, April couldn't stay on the wagon for all of five minutes, and is currently working at said rink. Will reveals that he's moving out of his place due to the divorce, so April is going to be checking out Will's place.

Back to Sue, so I care again. Becky has dropped two pounds under Sue's guidance, while Mercedes has somehow gained two pounds. I blame the KFC Double Down. Meanwhile, Kurt reveals that he's the one who set up his father and Finn's mom. Kurt has officially gone full Basic Instinct. At least his hair has stopped looking like a freaking Lego Man.

Back at Glee Club, people are freaked out over the fact that they're gonna be forced to sing in a Roller Skating Rink, probably because Roller Skating Rinks are incredibly dorky. Kurt sings a song I don't know the name of, and pretty much serenades Finn. Also, a quick allusion to the fact that Brittany and Santana might be fucking. Yay for lesbos! But anyway, Kurt fucking nails it.

April comes over to scope out Shue's place for an over-nighter, which will in no way end badly. Nope, just throwing on a CD full of overly-romantic music. No way this can end with these two fucking. And yet another song I don't know the name of. I guess after the Madonna episode they needed to balance it out by pulling out a bunch of songs I'm completely oblivious. Not bad though. Despite her valiant efforts, April has yet to be given a hot beef injection, but she'll be damned if she gives up now. And success! Shue and April are now in bed together! Considering that the last girl he shared a bed with was an insane blond emotionally dependent on him, it's clear to see that...Well, he certainly has a type.

Meanwhile, the Hudson/Hummel families have come together for a family dinner at a generic chain restaurant, where Finn and Mr. Huel hit it off pretty damn nicely. Kurt's jealous of the attention, and pretty pissed over the fact that his father doesn't consider him a guy. Maybe it's the fact that he has more paint on his face than a Pollock.

And for those of you wondering, Mercedes ain't doing too hot. Poor girl is pulling a move out of the Looney Toons playbook and is seeing everyone as food now. Not exactly factually accurate of anorexia (take it from one who knows), although as long as she doesn't strap a pair of Acme rockets to her feet, I'll let it slide.

It's starting to get bad now: Mercedes is in the Nurse's office, having fainted in the hall. Quinn, the ex-cheerleader, is here to provide some of her ex-cheerleader wisdom and tell Mercedes to not let Sue make her feel like her body isn't a thing of beauty. I have to say, I like Quinn a lot more now that she's owning her slut and carrying a little crotch fruit inside of her.

Back at the creepy, sad Roller Skating rink, Shue is talking to April about not being a hopeless mess and not fucking married men. Words to live by, Ladies. Words to live by. Kurt realizes that he's screwed up hopelessly on setting his and Finn's parents up, and now he and Finn have to break them up. Finn tries to throw out his Dad's ashes to prove a point, only to be verbally bitch-slapped by his mother for being a prick. Finn's mom talks about spending years of her life holding onto someone who isn't their anymore, and I can't help but want to bitchslap Finn even more than I usually do.

Sue, meanwhile, has gone full-monty on showing off her Cheerios by fumigating the entire school. Nothing says "School Spirit!" like poisoning the building you work in. Mercedes, on the other hand, has different plans, and has decided to go a different route and, in a big ol' "FUCK YOU, HO!" to Sue, has decided to go with Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful", from the album where she turned into a giant prostitute. Weren't those the days? Anyway, big school inspirational moment while Sue looks around as if everyone has started projectile vomiting. Kurt admits that he was wrong for calling her a fatty-fat-fatterson, and everyone still just generally hates Sue. But we love to hate her, don't we?

As it turns out, the guy interviewing her pretty much tells her straight up that he hates her, but Mercedes' number has convinced him that she believes that it's what's inside that counts. Yeah, about that...Not so much. Back at Finn's house, Finn and Kurt's Dad are having a heart-to-heart about him dating Finn's mom. This ends with the two of them watching a game and the sudden realization that they never moved the fucking urn out of the way. They talk about their mutual hatred of Duke; apparently, these guys are Fark posters. Who knew? Kurt stands idly in the background looking mournful.

Not here's April to wrap things up. As it turns out, April talked to the guy she's been fucking, and wouldn't you know it, the old fucker died and she got nearly $3 Million in hush money. Anna Nicole Smith would be rolling over in her grave if her fat ass would allow it. April uses the money to buy the auditorium for Will, and caps things off with yet another esoteric musical number and a pretty dress. The only way this could be gayer is if Matthew Rush rode across the stage on a rainbow unicorn that farts sequins.

Some extra little tidbits:

• Rachel had only one line this entire show; I'm assuming this has something to do with the fact that her mouth was full Jesse St. James' cock. Somehow, her one and only line was still incredibly irritating.
• Kurt spends the entire episode alternating between creepy stalker and forgotten son. To be honest? Not that far off from the truth.
• For once, Mercedes is portrayed as more than just the fat, sassy black girl who belts out one note then fades back into the background. They gave her one hell of a storyline.
• Brittany's dumb quote of the week: "I think my cat is reading my diary." I wish Brittany had a dick so I could suck it.
• One day, children will look back at pinball tables and think, "Someone once ate my Mom's pussy on one of these."
• For the record, Duke DOES suck. As it turns out, Fark was actually right for once. Who knew?