Thursday, December 31, 2009

The 2009 Golden Ashtray Awards: Honouring The Worst of the Worst in Cinema


Ladies and Gentlemen, 2009 has come to an end, what a fucking awful year this ever was. Seriously, if this movie was a person, people would be lining up down the street just to kick it in the ballsack. Therefore, what better way to close the year than by pointing out how terribly shitty it was. And so, I give you: Notes on Bar Napkins' 2009 Golden Ashtray Awards. I haven't actually created any trophies, but feel free to make your own at home and send them to the winners with a missive about why they suck so much.

The Stupid Ed Hardy Hat for Douchiest Movie
  • Transylmania
  • Stan Helsing
  • I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
In what I can only call a motherfucking landslide, the adaptation of Tucker Max's douchebag manifesto proved to be the douchiest douche to ever douche a douche. If Jon Gosselin fucked Spencer Pratt in the ass, and then Spencer Pratt douched the jizz into Tila Tequila, and then the baby was douched out nine months later, it still wouldn't be anywhere nears as douchey as Tucker Max is.

The Shit Where You Eat Award for Most Squandered Good Will
  • Judd Apatow for Year One
  • David Cross for Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel and Year One
  • Michael Cera for Year One
  • Sacha Baron Cohen for Bruno
While Michael Cera's limited acting range is beginning to creep up on people, David Cross wins the award for dragging any and all credibility he had from his fantastic performance in Arrested Development, dragged out back, beat it, shoot it execution style, then dumped it in a trash can. But hey, at least he managed to bought a house, right? Good for him.

The Kick In The Vagina Award for Most Misogynistic Film
  • Bride Wars
  • All About Steve
  • The Ugly Truth
  • New In Town
It's really only fitting to give this award to Katherine Heigl, who seems to find it perfectly suitable to deem herself a feminist symbol, admonish Judd Apatow for his male-centric humour (Which in all honesty bears a grain of truth), and then appear in abysmal chick flicks where marriage is the be-all, end-all goal for women everywhere.

The Book Burning Award for Worst Literary Adaptation
  • The Time Traveler's Wife
  • I Love You, Beth Cooper
  • Watchmen
  • Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
I debated giving this one to I Love You, Beth Cooper, which managed to suck everything clever and irreverent out of a great book and leaving behind another vapid teen flick, but The Time Traveler's Wife wins it for taking what is probably the best book of the decade and absolutely running it into the ground, giving us a bad Hallmark movie that you'd end up watching at eight on a Sunday.

The "Oh Shit, It's That Guy!" Award or Best Cameo
  • Mike Tyson for The Hangover
  • Francois Sagat for Saw VI
  • Paula Abdul for Bruno
  • Bill Murray for Zombieland
Say what you will about 2009, but you have to give it credit where credit is due: It had some pretty kickin' cameo appearances. If this was any other year, Sagat would win it by the sole virtue that he's fucking Francois Sagat, but let's face it, Bill Murray wins this one hands down. It's a wonderfully post-modern joke, and he milks it for all it's worth. On the plus side, Sagat can console himself with the fact that he can do laundry on his stomach and Bill Murray can't.

The *Head-Desk* Award for The Trend That SERIOUSLY Needs to Stop
  • Vampires (The Twilight Saga: New Moon, Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant)
  • Disney Concerts (Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience)
  • 3D (Friday the 13th, The Final Destination)
  • Movies Based On Toys (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra)
It's a true testament to how annoying I find these movies that I didn't give the award to Vampires, but Movies Based on Toys really need to just die out. Look, beloved childhood toys are great and all, but I wouldn't even play with these things in real life for two hours; Why would I watch someone else play with them for two hours?

The Awkward Shifting In Your Seat for The Most Embarrassing Performance
  • Kevin James for Paul Blart: Mall Cop
  • Chris Klein for Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li
  • Sandra Bullock for All About Steve
  • The Whitest Kids U Know for Miss March
Oh Chris Klein...You were in American Pie, then you kinda faded into obscurity, then you emerged with what is either the most Andy Kaufman-esque move in history, or you just showed up and gave the single most cringe-worthy the world has ever seen (barring Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man). Runner up goes to Kevin James for two hours of fat jokes.

The Tingly Feeling In Your Pants Award for Movie I'd Like To Fuck
  • Crank: High Voltage
  • Inglourious Basterds
  • Avatar
  • Zombieland
If it were based on individual characters, this would either go to Crank or Basterds; if it were for visuals, Avatar; But on the whole, Zombieland was the balls-out sexiest movie of 2009. The gore, the humour, and Emma Stone with a shotgun? Sweet zombie jeebus, if you need me I'll be firing one off in my bunk.

The Sad Penis Award for Worst Sex Scene
  • Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg in Antichrist
  • Patrick Wilson and Malin Akerman for Watchmen
  • Seth Rogen and Anna Faris for Observe and Report
  • Katherine Heigl and a pair of vibrating panties for The Ugly Truth
While the rest of the nominees are unintentionally awful in their own special way, Antichrist took the initiative to make sure that blood never flowed to your penis EVER AGAIN. Seriously, do not go see Antichrist if you ever plan on having sex ever again.

The SPOILER ALERT! Award for Best "OH SHIT!" Moment
  • Charlotte Gainsbourg cutting off her clitoris with a pair of rusty scissors in Antichrist
  • Alison Lohman being dragged to hell in Drag Me To Hell
  • Bill Murray gets shot in the face in Zombieland
  • Mo'Nique doing anything in Precious
Ho. Lee. Shit. You know something is fucked when Mo'Nique's pitch-perfect acting tops a woman literally mutilating her genitalia. Mo'Nique was a fucking force of nature, absolutely terrifying in her abusive nature. If anything, the OH SHIT!ness of it comes from the fact that the performance of the year came from Mo'Nique of all people.

The In My Pants Award for Movie Title Most Improved By Adding "In My Pants" to the End of It
  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
  • I Love You, Man
  • The Ugly Truth
  • I Can Do Bad All By Myself
I Can Do Bad All By Myself In My Pants...'Nuff Said.

The "About Fucking Time!" Award for Best Return to Form
  • Disney for The Princess and the Frog
  • Sam Raimi for Drag Me To Hell
  • James Cameron for Avatar
  • Henry Selick for Coraline
While the other contenders on the list all deserve this award, they've really only been nominated because they haven't done much since their last big hit. Therefore, Disney wins it for finally going back to the formula we love them for. Is it anything entirely new? Hardly, but it's what we've come to know them for, and quite frankly, it's a huge step up from the CGI crap they've been offering recently, so hey, why the hell not, right?

The Diamond In The Rough Award for Most Surprisingly Good Movie
  • The Hangover
  • Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
  • Paranormal Activity
  • Whip It
I was going to give this one to The Hangover initially, until I realized that everyone knew this was going to be a good movie and I was the lone funsucker in the corner, sipping the haterade. So instead, I'm giving this one to Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs, which had every opportunity to suck and instead churned out a solid, fun movie instead. Kudos on that one guys.

The Turd In A Box of Chocolates Award for Most Surprisingly Awful Movie
  • The Time Traveler's Wife
  • The Invention of Lying
  • Men Who Stare At Goats
  • It's Complicated
The Time Traveler's Wife and It's Complicated would have won this if the trailer hadn't sucked so bad, and The Invention of Lying would have taken it if it weren't released during early fall, so the win falls squarely on Men Who Stare At Goats, which, despite a great cast and a promising trailer, sucked so hard it wasn't even unintentionally funny.

The Feel Good Family Moment Award for Best Kids Movie
  • Coraline
  • Up
  • Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
  • The Princess and The Frog
While this was personally a toss-up between Coraline and Up, the latter worked better as a movie-movie while Coraline just worked better as a kid's movie. If that sounds complicated, maybe it is; While Coraline worked perfectly as a movie that kids could enjoy, Up just happened to be a great movie that was also a cartoon. So if we're judging on the basis of what works best for kids? Coraline.

The "You Like Me! You Really, Really Like Me!" Award for Movie That Deserves to Win The Oscar for Best Picture
  • Up In The Air
  • Avatar
  • The Hurt Locker
  • District 9
Plain and simple, The Hurt Locker deserves it. While Avatar is stunning, it lacks a powerful storyline. District 9, on the other hand, was a great movie but ultimately chose to extreme a medium for it's subtext. And finally, Up In The Air is really just far too dated. Ultimately, The Hurt Locker is gritty and raw enough for it to win the gold.

The Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw Award for Worst Movie of 2009
  • Year One
  • Old Dogs
  • Miss March
  • Knowing
Year One would have taken it if it hadn't sacrificed it's stars credibility beforehand, while Miss March flew too far under the radar for it to really be called the absolute worst. Knowing was just too unintentionally funny to be full on bad. Which leaves Old Dogs, a movie so fundamentally awful in every facet it's become a joke in itself. From publicity stills featuring crew members visible in the frame to the absolutely shitballs stupid final shot, Old Dogs proved that ANYONE can make a movie, if given enough money to waste.

The Golden Ashtray Award for Best Movie
  • The Hurt Locker
  • Zombieland
  • Up
  • Where The Wild Things Are
While each of the above movies where simply phenomenal in their own way, Up was the movie that quintessentially captured everything we love about Pixar. The studio has regularly been given the shaft since it makes cartoons, but behind the pretty pictures, Pixar's first movie with a fully-human character is ultimately it's most human movie. Sure, it has adorable kids and talking dogs, but at its core, it's a movie about how we learn to love again when the love we had is gone. It still exists, but you can't find it, and learning to search for the love you had is the hardest thing you can do. For making a movie that so thoroughly embodies the human spirit, Up is the best movie of the year.

11 comments:

Robert said...

Great list and very funny!
Happy New Year Jeremy.
x Robert

Figgylicious said...

This was fantastic!

Rae at 24:01 A.M. said...

Great list! But I have to say that "Drag Me To Hell" was probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The only good part about it was Justin Long.

;)

Sandman said...

I disagree with you on so much here, LOL.

Paranormal Activity, Drag Me to Hell, and Where the Wild Things are were all movies I felt like completely wasted my time. Invention of Lying was this year's Idiocracy, a comedy almost universally panned by critics but with a genius concept. It was very funny I thought.

I get why people like Drag Me to Hell and see it as a return to form for Sam Raimi...........but to me it was just a gross-out movie. The first half of it was promising as a pure horror movie, but then it just got ridiculous, which I guess was the point, but it just did not click with me. And I fully appreciate Raimi and the whole Evil Dead cult thing. I loved the ending for what it's worth, but the rest of the movie wasn't worth sitting through for that.

Bruno was hilarious. I really enjoyed Watchmen, and I'm not a comic book fan. Year One was bad, but not THAT bad. Hurt Locker was good, but not THAT good. Same for District 9.

I think I agree on everything else. Props on the Crank 2 nod. That movie was crazy and hilarious in the best way. And Miss March definitely was a "WTF were ya'll thinking" movie.

DeWayne In San Diego said...

hmm need to catch up on this list, think I will pass on The Princess and the Frog LOL

Thanks for CONFIRMING my worst fears about Antichrist (really William DeFoe in a WRETCHED movie who woulda thunk)

And I APPRECIATED the spoiler alert,,I do wonder considering the movie if that was SUCH A BAD THING?

(Clit Slit)

The Management said...

You know Jeremy, this is one of those times I wish a swung you're way. That was excellent.

Robert said...

Fun list. I disagree with your assertion that Coraline is a good kids movie and that's it. Frankly, I prefer it to Up and wish Pixar would just give it a rest for one awards season so another animated film could be the critical darling advancing the medium for once.

Matthew Lucas said...

"2012" or "G-Force" deserve to be called the worst of the year. But hopefully you missed those. I only saw them because I had to. The others on your worst list are pretty awful too, though.

kcanuck said...

My sexy Kiwi man notes that Gi Joe: rise of the cobra...in my pants is also awesome and should have made the list. :)

Anonymous said...

Excellent list! Nice work!
Living overseas, I haven't seen all these movies yet, but agree or disagree with your choices, your reasoning is eloquent and hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Twilight is the second best movie series in the world