Sunday, December 6, 2009

Kill, Fuck or Marry: The Triumphant Return Edition!

I know I haven't done one of these in, like, forever, but after special request I'm bringing it back: Kill, Fuck or Marry! Anyway, once again:

1. You're given a list of three people
2. You have to choose who to kill, who to fuck and who to marry.
3. Suicide is not an option.
4. You have to do it for both the men AND the women. It's purely hypothetical, so quit being such a pussy.
5. If you need help making up your mind, you can click on the name to see a pic.

Jake Gyllenhaal, Chris Pine or Chace Crawford?

Blake Lively, Taylor Swift or Katrina Bowden?

Stephen Moyer, Ryan Kwanten or Alexander Skarsgard?

Rashida Jones, Felicia Day or Evan Rachel Wood?

David Taylor, Austin Wilde or Tristan Jaxx?

Gwenno, Riotbecki or Rosay?

Ben Patrick Johnson, Perez Hilton or Guillermo Diaz?


Jared said...

Marry: Jake Gyllenhaal
Fuck: Chris Pine
Kill: Chace Crawford

Fuck: Blake Lively
Marry: Taylor Swift
Kill: Katrina Bowden

Kill: Stephen Moyer
Marry: Ryan Kwanten
Fuck: Alexander Skarsgard

Marry: Rashida Jones
Kill: Felicia Day
Fuck: Evan Rachel Wood

Kill: David Taylor
Fuck: Austin Wilde
Marry: Tristan Jaxx

Kill: Gwenno
Fuck: Riotbecki
Marry: Rosay

Fuck: Ben Patrick Johnson
DIE DIE DIE BITCH!: Perez Hilton
Marry: Guillermo Diaz

Marra Alane said...

WOOT!!! It's back!

1. Kill: Jake Gyllenhaal
Boff: Chace Crawford
Marry: Chris Pine

2. Kill: Taylor Swift. I feel badly about it, but she just seems too sweet.
Boff: Katrina Bowden
Marry: Blake Lively. Her breasts defy logic.

3. Kill: Stephen Moyer. He's quite handsome and charming in interviews, but I just can't picture him without that Vampire Bill pancake make-up. Vom.
Boff: Ryan Kwanten. He has to keep his dumb redneck accent, though.
Marry: Alexander Skarsgard. I've wanted his swedish meatballs since Gen Kill.

4. Kill: Felicia Day. Again, she's just too nice.
Boff: ERW. Really, I just want her to teach me how she does her make up, but if I have to go downtown to learn it, I'm willing to do that.
Marry: Rashida Jones. She's amazing.

5. Austin Wilde. Shaved head + beard stubble = wtf?
Boff: Tristan Jaxx. He looks like Mark Walhberg and Ron Perlman had a baby. That sounds repulsive, but for some reason I really like it.
Marry: David Taylor. Dumb tattoos, but amazing body and kind of a baby face thing going on, which normally I don't like but with him, it works.

6. Kill: Riotbecki. Nothing personal, she just looks like an annoying girl I knew in high school.
Boff: Gwenno. Damn.
Marry: Rosay.

7. Kill: Ben Patrick Johnson. His muscles look like a comic book hero, and not in a good way. Nice legs, though.
Boff: Perez Hilton. Wait! I can explain! Forcing Perez Hilton to have sex with me, a woman with a fully functioning vagina, would be pretty terrible for him. Let me be perfectly clear: I don't find anything funny about rape; which is why this is not a joke. I well aware that no one deserves to be raped, but it's hard to make that argument when presented with a guy who draws cumstains on children and outs celebrities before they're ready because he has some megalomaniacal God complex and deep-seated feelings of inferiority and self-loathing.
Marry: Guillermo Diaz. He's just adorable.

Jeremy Feist said...

Dear Marra,

You killed Ben Patrick Johnson. Unless you go back and recant your wicked ways, we can no longer be friends. Actually, we still will be friends, but I'll spill something colourful and stain-inducing on you next time you wear something expensive and/or white, and I'll blame it on my drunkeness...Point being, YOU SUCK!

Hugs and kisses, Jeremy

Anonymous said...

i wouldn't give marra a 2nd chance. nip that in the bud NOW!

Marra Alane said...

I stand by it. His torso is too good to be true - I've seen paintings of God with a lesser body. What would happen if you actually get with him, and then it turns out it's just a George Michael Bluth padded muscle shirt? You'd lose your faith in humanity, that's what. Much better to rape Perez Hilton.

And you listen good, you little fucker. I've cut bitches for far less than spilling a white wine spritzer on my white pants. You fuck up my clothes I'll fuck up your face, capice?

Jeremy Feist said...

Believe me, it isn't. IT ISN'T. His chest is real. And gorgeous. And BITCH, I will cut you so bad you'll have a chin! YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!

Tom in COS said...

Marry: Chris Pine (I'm a Trekkie, what can I say)
Fuck: Jake Gyllenhaal
Kill: Chace Crawford

Marry:Katrina Bowden(because 30 Rock is amazing)
Fuck: Blake Lively
Kill: Taylor Swift (Nothing personal, but it will leave Taylor Lautner open to my advances)

Marry: Ryan Kwanten
Fuck: Alexander Skarsgard
Kill: Stephen Moyer (He's just not as pretty as the other 2)

Marry: Felicia Day (Buffy, Bring It On and Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog fuck me sideways she's perfect!)
Fuck: Rashida Jones
Kill: Evan Rachel Wood

Marry: Tristan Jaxx (Cause I'm a size queen and he's got the biggest schlong of the 3)
Fuck: Austin Wilde
Kill: David Taylor

Marry: Gwenno
Fuck: Riotbecki (She did her disertation at university on Hardcore Porn, I bet she can fuck like a champ.)
Kill: Rosay

Kill: Perez Hilton (slowly and painfully. Possibly some form of fast acting anal cancer?)
Fuck: Ben Patrick Johnson (He's so ripped it's scary)
Marry: Guillermo Diaz (because who doesn't love Scarface in Half-Baked. Also i didn't realize he was a 'mo)