#10 – Chris Brown
You’d figure that most people would have the common sense to realize that there is no excuse for beating your girlfriend. Chris Brown is not most people. Rather than owning up to his actions and taking the time to do some soul searching and learning from his mistakes, he instead any and all responsibility for his actions both in interviews and through his music. Not to mention his incredibly bone-headed “Oops!” chain and that the media is ruining his career. Obviously, his acting like a total douche bag has NOTHING to do with it. None whatsoever. The sad thing is, not only did he manage to sell 102,000 albums in his first week, but 46% of teens sided with Chris Brown, proving that children are fucking AWFUL.
#9 – Maine
...Or as I like to call it, California 2: Electric Boogaloo. Because apparently, no one learned anything from Proposition 8, Maine became the second state to vote to take away the results of gay and lesbian couples because it was “unconstitutional”, proving once and for all that Maine does not know jackshit about the constitution. Apparently, nothing would ruin the sanctity of two people entering a life-long loving commitment like two people entering a life-long loving commitment.
#8 – Rush Limbaugh
Limbaugh has been a total douchebag for a long time, and I mean a looooooooooooooong time, but this year he really pulled out all the stops. With the Republican Party without a strong leader, the power vacuum was sufficiently filled with Rush’s fat ass. He proved to be a strong leader, if by “strong” you mean “Completely off his shit”. It’s one thing to dislike the president based on his opinions and views, but when you say that you hope he fails when the country is in the worst recession in decades, that just proves that you love your ideals more than you love your country. I mean really, how would a country benefit if a president failed exactly? Wait to think this one through, dumbass.
#7 – Jim Cramer
Look, it’s great that people want to make normally boring areas fun and exciting for the sake of knowledge. Super. But when it comes to people’s money and lifesavings, having fun usually takes a backseat to being able to pay for a roof over your head and for food on your table. But apparently, Jim decided that fuck common sense! Spend spend spend! Spend money you don’t have because the crazy fuck on TV told you so! Needless to say, watching Jon Stewart absolutely butcher him into a snivelling pile was the most satisfying moment of TV of 2009.
#6 – Sarah Palin
Palin would be a much better politician if she actually imposed her on values on herself rather than others. Want the media to stop spreading lies? Great. Stop saying that Obama is creating a death panel to kill your granny and babies. You say you’re ready to be Vice president? Super. Then why did you ditch your post as Governor of Alaska? Because people were too harsh on you? Of course they were. As opposed to saying that you’re political opponent was a socialist friend of terrorists who wasn’t born in this country. Never has one woman spoken so much yet said so little.
#5 – Joe Lieberman
Here’s a thought right here: If the majority of Americans approve of something that would benefit those too poor to afford health insurance while also keeping the option open for those who WANT health insurance to continue using it, it might not be such a great idea to filibuster the damn thing while the American people become increasingly more irate about how completely and totally useless both the house and the senate has become.
#4 – Glenn Beck
No one quite embodied the absolute feeling of paranoia in 2009 quite like Glenn Beck. He out-crazied even the most batshit insane of lunatic talking heads by crying on television, dousing guests with water poured out of gasoline tanks, pulling random words out of his ass in order to misspell words, an proving that no matter how irrational and emotionally unstable a person is, as long as they spout out keywords that people want to hear, they too can have their own show on Fox News. Also, he raped and killed a girl in 1990 (...Or did he?)
#3 – Bernie Madoff
Most people who want to make money usually just get a job. Some will do something amazing and be rewarded with tons of money for it. Some will go so far as to maybe rob some random bank or store. It takes a special kind of assholeishness to create a Ponzi scheme, scam 4,800 people out of a collective $64 Billion dollars and then rot away in jail while you show absolutely no remorse for your actions. On the plus side, he’s now eating pizza cooked by a child molester, so HA! on that one.
#2 – Nidal Malik Hasan
Non-sensible people should stay as far away from -isms as they possibly can. Case in point: This piece of shit, who killed 13 people in the Fort Hood Massacre. It’s one thing to have religious beliefs, but it’s another to use them as an excuse to go on a shooting spree in a military base. Killing 13 people and injuring 30 more doesn’t make you a man of God, it just makes you some crazy fuck who murdered a bunch of innocent people because of what you thought one old book told you to do.
Was there ever any doubt these guys would be number 1? It’s one thing to douche it up in the confines of your own home, or TV show, or even state. But when you manage to fuck over a collective nation through your own capitalistic greed, that just goes above and beyond the call of douchey. At what point do you stop and go “Maybe rewarding those who managed to run the American Economy in the ground probably wasn’t the greatest idea?” And people wonder why we feel the need for government intervention. For encouraging a society of instant gratification, greed, and petty materialism that tanked the national economy, Wallstreet is The Biggest Douchebag of 2009.
Until next year, seriously; don't be a douchebag.