Sunday, December 20, 2009

The 25 Biggest Douchebags of 2009, Part 1: #25-11

#25 - Kanye West

You all knew this one was coming, right? You don’t just barge onstage, tell Taylor Swift (who despite what you think of her music does seem genuinely sweet) that she doesn’t deserve her award, and expect to get away scot free. Mind you, he wins brownie points for actually seeming sorry for it, but still, it’s just not a list of Douchebags without Kanye West.

#24 - Tiger Woods

Oh Tiger...and to think, all this could have been avoided if you just stuck with putting your balls in 18 holes instead of your...Well, you know where I’m going with this. Point is, if you’re willing to cheat on your wife with at least 8 different women, you totally deserve whatever the hell is coming to you.

#23 – ABC

I know ABC made the list last year for cancelling Pushing Daisies (and I’m still pretty pissed about that), but they made it on this year for an entirely different reason. Namely, for going completely batshit over Adam Lambert’s performance and even going so far as to drop him from interviews in favour of Chris Brown. According to ABC, being gay = Bad. Beating women = A-Okay!

#22 - The Kardashians

Oh fuck did these women ever sneak up on me. They were quietly douching it up for the past couple years, but this year they really hit their stride. Khloe faked a shotgun marriage for ratings on her crappy TV show, Kourtney had a baby despite not even knowing who the father was because she forgot to take the pill, and Kim...Well, Kim just kept being useless. These girls are Klassy with a capital “K”.

#21 - Tareq and Michaele Salahi

Pop Quiz! You want to be famous, but you don’t have any actual talent or common sense. Do you (A) realize that success without effort is a sham and that no decent human being would ever attempt such a thing, or (B) trespass on White House Property in the hopes of making it onto a reality show about stupid spoiled whores? If you guessed B, congrats! You’re probably going to jail.

#20 – Michael Lohan

I honestly could have put any of The Lohans onto this one, but Daddy Lohan wins it for being an outright terrible father. Not only did he leak private phone conversations between himself and his crying daughter for money, he also sees absolutely nothing wrong with wearing a mesh shirt and showing off his moobs and you just puked all over your keyboard on that one didn’t you?

#19 – Perez Hilton

Earlier this year, Perez Hilton forgot the one rule of gossip blogging: That chances are no matter how much you think they do, most celebrities usually don’t really deserve the kind of smack we throw at them (it’s true; even I know this) and that they deserve to throw at least one punch at you. Instead, Perez lost his shit after taking one to the face from the manager of the Black Eyed Peas, despite saying he had no respect for them and calling him a “Faggot”. Seriously, say that to ANYONE and you’d be punched in the face. Common sense, homeskillet.

#18 – Tila Tequila

I should probably preface this one by saying that I hate Tila Tequila more than any celebrity ever, and if it were up to me, she’d be fired. Out of a cannon. Into the sun. But this year she not only proved that she was a vapid, horrid slag, but that she was also COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE by pulling her tampon out on Ustream, getting engaged to a felon and releasing a sex tape because of fucking course she has one.

#17 – Jay Leno

Back when he was on The Tonight Show, Jay Leno was pedestrian at best, and mind-numbingly awful at worst, and just plain unfunny on average. But old people whose sense of humour died during the Reagan days loved him, so NBC decided to nix a whole bunch of legitimately good television in order to give Leno his own show FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK. Remember kids, you don’t need to be funny to be on TV; you just need to have a show that can be funded by pocket change and product integration.

#16 – Carrie Prejean

I could go on and on about Carrie Prejean, but instead, I’ll just list off the many things she doesn’t understand: If you don’t follow your contract, you will be fired; You cannot be persecuted if you are in the majority and are the one who is persecuting; Freedom of Speech applies to both sides of the debate, not just yours; If you make a sex tape, it will get on the internet; Lying that you were 17 when you made the sex tape will not save your ass; There is no same- or opposite-marriage, just marriage; Where the sun goes at night.

#15 – Nadya “Octomom” Suleman

Here’s the thing: You want to be a mother? Great. By all means have as many kids as you want, as long as (and this the important part) you actually have the resources necessary to care for them beforehand, rather than assuming that people will be so flabbergasted by your clown car of a vagina that they will dish out Scrooge MacDuck money bags of cash for your 14 children despite the fact that you have no visible source of income. That is what is known in most circles as being a shitty mother.

#14 – Michael Jackson’s Entourage

Say what you will, but Michael Jackson was, without a doubt, THE entertainer of the generation. So of course it’s only natural that when he died, friends and family would jump on his corpse like those two a-hole kids from Hop on Pop. Doctors weighed in! Kids were pimped out to the masses! Family members created their own TV shows! And Joe Jackson used it as the golden opportunity to garner press for his record company, proving once and for all that you can’t spell ”family” without “my fail”.

#13 – The Heene Family

Along with Octomom and the White House Party Crashers, The Heene Family marks the third entry on the list looking for a reality TV deal, which should probably tip you off as to one particularly awful pattern. After somehow managing to convince an entire nation that their son was carried off in a balloon that could in no way hold him, they took to the morning show circuit where Balloon Boy himself outed them for the famewhoring jackoffs they were, then proceeded to puke on live TV. Combine that with their ignorant rap video, crazy alien theories complete lack of foresight and it’s easy to see why they might be heading to the big house.

#12 – Jon and Kate Gosselin

In the beginning, the Gosselins were just two ordinary people who had a shitload of babies. Then TLC came along, and suddenly Kate turned into the Beldam from Coraline and Jon turned into the Fat Asian Spencer Pratt, albeit with more Ed Hardy clothing. The kids ultimately became second thought as these two pimped out book, milkshakes and shitty hair-dos before divorcing one week before Christmas. Nice to see they didn’t let their fame come before their kids.

#11 – Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag

The absolute goddamn pinnacle of Reality TV trash. Not only did they get rich off the concept of displaying the absolute worst aspects of humanity, they EMBRACED the notion, constantly labelling themselves the villains. Between quitting charitable game-shows, releasing crappy song after crappy song, walking around in public reading Playboy and even going so far as to name himself King of a democratic nation, these two managed to simultaneously disprove both the existence of God and Darwinism.


Robert said...

Merry Christmas Jeremy.
x Robert
PS loved the list and your acid writting.

Anonymous said...

Who the hell is going to come above these people?