If Nobody Listens, Then Who's Gonna Hear? (The Top 10 Canadian Artists You've Probably Never Heard Of)

10. Hot Hot Heat

Okay, well you've probably heard of these guys. They're the guys responsible for two great albums, Make Up The Breakdown and Elevator, and one kinda-really-only-okay album, Happiness Ltd. These guys would be higher on the list, if it wasn't for that last album.

9. Pony Up!

Sure they've only got one album under their belt (2006's Make Love to the Judges with Your Eyes), but to be fair, it's a pretty strong start. And if you don't like The Truth About Cats and Dogs, congratulations! You're dead to me.

8. Classified

A rapper from Halifax? Sure, why the fuck not. To be honest, he isn't that bad, actually. Despite some lyrics that border on completely dumb-fucked, he's really good.

7. Alexisonfire

If you a fan of screamo, you're probably (or at least should be) well acquainted with Alexisonfire. Blame it on my high concentration of emo friends (I'm the perky one. I'm a shitty emo!), but they've grown on me. This is what you listen to when you're about to punch someone's face in.

6. City And Colour

...AKA, Dallas Green, the actual singing part of Alexisonfire. Despite what you might think, no this one isn't another screamo. It's like the male version of Feist, if you want to know. Folky, guitar driven rock. Need I say more?

5. Bif Naked

Oh my god, remember Bif Naked? Hand to god, the best kept secret of the 90's. I mean c'mon, she had tattoos and guitars and banshee death wails for Christs sakes, how the hell did everyone forget her and gibe the Spice Girls a comeback tour?

4. Magneta Lane

If you watch the L Word, you've probably heard their song, The Constant Lover. And if not, it's about time you did. and while you're at it, you should pick up a copy of Dancing With Daggers. Why? Because you just should.

3. Esthero

I have absolutely no problem with saying that Wikked Lil' Grrrls is one of my favourite albums. How it didn't get higher reviews is beyond me. Seriosuly, did everyone sniff glue before they heard it? What the crap. Anyways, if you haven't picked up one of her albums yet, now would be an excellent time to fix that.

2. Emily Haines

Okay, I know. You've heard of Broken Social Scene. You've heard of Metric. But have you heard her solo project? Knives Don't Have Your Back is, to the best of my knowledge, one of the best albums ever made. The entire album is piano driven, the vocals haunting echoes, and the lyrics poetic. You're nothing without this album.

1. Sam Roberts

You know what Sam Roberts is? It's whiskey drinking, hockey playing, pot smoking, poutine eating, Mountie loving, Keg Standing, Gay Marrying, Tim Hortons eating, Much Music watching, "eh" saying, Healthcare socializing, Molson chugging, Stanley Cup yearning Canadian Music. It also doesn't hurt that he went to the same school as me. Go out and buy all his albums or I'll come to your house and kick you in the shins.

Hellooooooooo, Nurse!

A sure sign that school is destroying your social life: Last week, I spent an hour talking to Matt about The Animaniacs. Remember the Animaniacs? Fuck I loved that show. I haven't seen it in years, but thanks to the magic of youtube, I've benn on a bender ever since.











What can I say? I love a good anvil gag.

You Forgot It In People

Now, I'm well aware that there's a high concentration of gay porn stars on my blog. And yes, I'm guessing that some of you don't exactly approve of it. I'm okay with that. That's not what pisses me off. What pisses me off is when people see porn stars as only objects. Look, I've met porn stars. They're some of the nicest people I know. They're incredibly sweet people, and it kills me when people start bashing them for the sole reason that OH MY GOD they're naked on camera. Look, I know it's not for everyone, but fact of the matter is, what a person does for a living doesn't make them any less of a human being.

What sets me off is shit like this. Basically, Kurt Wild, another gay porn star, was recognized and fired from his job at Subway for his work.

Something smells like bullshit here.

Why are people so goddamn stupid? Yes, he did gay porn. Get over it. For god's sake, he's the father of three kids (Surprise! He's straight), are you really going punish him for caring for his family? What he does isn't illegal, it's not hurting anyone, and he keeps it prvate. It's not like he was offering DVDs with the combos (though I kinda wish they did. Though it'd be hard to pick between those and the Macadamia Nut Cookies). Furthermore, would he have been fired if he was in straight porn? Probably not, no.

Fact of the matter is, people are people, no matter the clothing. If you don't like gay porn, don't watch it. Just try to remember that beneath the bad dialogue and bottle-tans, gay porn stars are people. Sexy, sexy people.

Just to end things off, here are some gay porn stars including (Sigh...) Matthew Rush (Sigh...).

Are We Breakin' Up? Is There Trouble Between You and I?

Before I go the article, I'd just like to remind everyone that the cancer walk is coming up, and unless y'all start ponying up here, I'm not taking anything off. And then no one gets the sexy pictures. Is that what you want? Then head over Here and pledge, if you please. I only need $150 more dollars, then I'm taking it all off for you guys. Well, almost all of it. The undies are staying on.

Now, for what the post is actually about. One of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend of two year yesterday, and of course, she was miserable. She's past the sharp pain stage (a fairly quick stage, actually), and she's at the heavy pain stage, where it feels like your hearts been ripped out and replaced with a dumbell. Anyways, I sent her my breakup cure, which I'm hoping helped a bit, and I've decided to throw one up here too. So here it is, your guide to fixing a broken heart.

1: Music

You need weepy ass songs. You need lots and lots of weepy ass songs, actually. And not just one of those lame lil top 40 pieces of shit where they say "Baby" every five words, I mean the real shit. Here's a quick playlist you'll need.

Billie Holiday: Gloomy Sunday
Kate Nash: The Nicest Thing
A Fine Frenzy: Almost Lover
Broken Social Scene: Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl
Sia: Breathe Me
Nicole Atkins: The Way It Is
Fiona Apple: Never Is A Promise
Regina Spektor: Somedays
Stars: Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Modest Mouse: Little Motels
Feist: The Park
Imogen Heap: Hide And Seek
Alanis Morissette: Tapes
Emily Haines: Winning
Rilo Kiley: Does He Love You?
She & Him: Take It Back

2. Movies

Your gonna need a tear-jerker or two in there also. Obviously, you're going to want Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind somewhere in there. While the Notebook has pretty much bought itself a seat in the chick flick hall of fame, you might as well add it in there for Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. And if you want something to perk you up a bit, go fr Futurama's Bender's Big Score, a movie both hysterically funny, but with surprising amounts of heart. And of course, if you need something that'll get your mind off what's-his-name, I might suggest Destination London or One Night with Pierre Fitch.

3. Books

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Please. It is physically impossible to read with a broken heart. Moving on.

4. Drinks

90% of your time during the healing process will be in a drunken stupor. While I swear by Vodka (liquid heartache), I've had suggestions of Boozehound's French .75 (Thanks, MO), either red or white wine (Thanks, Rusty), Tequila (Thanks, Sarah), Gin and Fresca, and even a Nyquil (Thanks, David!). Whatever floats your boat really.

5. Friends

No one ever got through a heart break alone. Surround yourself with them. True friends won't mind picking you up, dusting you off, and (in my case) mopping thrown up Vodka off the floor. So thanks to everyone who left some love while I got over mine.

That's about it. If I forgot anything, leave it in the comments. Happy Healing!

I'm Not Dead

Okay, Labour Day is done. Finished. I had a four day weekend to restress after a week full of school, and guess what? I had to spend it in the woods, away from the internet, cell phones and overpriced coffee. Oh yeah, this is EXACTLY how I wanted to relax. But it's over, and thank Godtopus, there's not gonna be another camping trip until next summer. Woo-fucking-hoo.

Thankfully, I only really have two days of school this week (tomorrow and Wednesday), so yay for that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have certain things to attend to. Certain things that you just can't do when you're surrounded by family, on a constant basis, and the only bathroom is a festering hole unmentionable bodily waste. Yes, that thing. Sorry to be lude, but it's been four days, and anybody who's ever gone four days without ANYTHING knows what kind of a situation I'm currently in.

Excuse me.

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die

You Heard The Crappy Song, Now See The Crappy Video!

Thanks to jM for the heads-up, but the final video for Overdosin' has been released. Because I truly care about you all, and I read and appreciate the living fuck out of your comments, here it is: The review for Heidi Montag's video for the song we shall not name, for doing so would make me go apeshit on small children.

0:01 - Whoopee, ONE second in, and we already have a grauitous ass shot of Heidi Montag. There goes my last ounce of heterosexuality.
0:08 - Oh god, there's even a bad title: "Sweatin' With Heidi". Can I just kick the chair out from under me now and call it a day?
0:13 - you know what this video needs? More Hair Flips...THERE WE GO!
0:20 - Oh sweet Jesus, It's like one of those American Apparel Ads come to life. So...much...spandex. And look, she's doing the running man! And smiling! Somewhere out there, God just killed a puppy as retribution.
0:32 - I'm in love with this guy in the video, who shall now be named "Porn Stache". He is quite literally fucking the camera with his eyes. The most unintentionally funny part of the video by far, and you know what? I fucking love it. And as for Heidi? Fuck it. This bitch ain't even trying to lip-sync, is she? She just keeps making these weird kissy faces, like she's trying to blow Spencer's tiny, disappointing cock.
0:40 - YES! YES! OH, GODTOPUS, YES! PORN STACHE CLOSE UP! OH GOD, RIGHT THERE! And did I neglect to mention head-band girl? She looks like she's trying to shit a full-grown turkey.
0:50 - Apparently, they blew the entire budget on spandex, and then just threw choreography out the window. One of the dancers completely fucked up, and yes, you CAN notice it.
1:00 - Mmmmm...More Porn Stache. I'm I the only one who's reminded of Dov Charney?
1:12 - This is Bob. Bob has Bitch Tits.
1:17 - Oh My God, I found Tingle from The Legend of Zelda. And he's as FABULOUS as ever!
1:27 - Oh look, fattie can't raise a dumbell! Hahah! Laugh at fattie! God, it wasn't funny when Eddie Murphy did it, what makes you think you can pull it off? I'm actually starting to tire of Porn Stache. Yes, we get it, you're a convicted sex offender. Haha, funny.
1:37 - (Projectile Vomiting)
1:49 - Heidi Montag, demonstrating the position that landed her a place on a faux-reality show. Skank.
1:53 - Bitch, pleeeeeease. You think you're hot because you can life a leg over your head? Y'all ain't go NOTHING on me, slut!
2:05 - This is the point of the video when Porn Stache loses all charm, and instead, becomes a permament, terrifyinh fixture in your subconscious.
2:13 - CROTCH THRUSTS! God, you can actually hear the damn thing snarling at you. It's like some horrible, rabid monster waiting to bite your junk off.
2:17 - Oh, Mutton Chops, your my new favourite part of this horrid snuff flick. ta least he won't smother you and rape your corpse, RIGHT PORN STACHE?
2:40 - Ever wonder what happened to the Solid Gold Dancers? Well, they're either dead, or wishing they are.
3:00 - There's a disco ball, and Porn Stache is licking a lollipop. *More Projectile Vomiting*
3:18 - I know I've already made fun of the lip-synching before, but I just want to nail this home for you guys: This is so terrible, it makes me want to jack-knife onto St. Catherine.
3:28 - OH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? SHENANIGANS! I CALL SHENANIGANS! MATT, GET THE TANK!
3:52 - She's actually congratulating herself over this. Yes, she's happy with herself as a human being. I say no, you have absolutely no right to feel even slightly content over what you have wrought upon the world.
4:04 - It's over. The nightmare is finally over. Well, goodbye, Porn Stache, I'll see you everytime I close my eyes.

Anyways, with college starting, my updates will be less frequent from now on. Monday through Wednesday is packed for me, so don't expect much. Thankfully, Thursday and Friday are less busy. Today, for example, I left the house at 7 A.M., and got back at 7 P.M. Yup, my life is awesome. Thankfully, I got a break from 2:30 to 4:00, so I went to meet a friend from out of town, Dave, and Pierre for drinks. Since he was a fan of Pierre's we took a quick picture. Pierre, meanwhile, took the opportunity to feel up my tiny, non-existant tush. Yup, I got felt up by a Porn Star. Go me! At first I thought he was just off the mark a little, but then he actually gave it a lil squeeze. So naturally, I gave his a bit of a pinch in return. Hey, fair game! Anyways, that's how my first week of school turned out. And this weekend, we're going camping. Fuck my life. Anyways, see you all in hell!

I Hope You All Die Of Birdflu: A Real Time Review Of Heidi Montag's New Single

Well, today was my first day of CEGEP (which is basically College's Slutty Cousin who does the weird shit on the first date), and surprisingly, I didn't fuck up quite as badly as I thought. Anyways, I came home and went, after going around a few sites including WIMB and BWE, I suddenly realized that Heidi "Realitard" Montag has finally taken over the internet. Truly, this was a dark day. Apparently, she had apparently shat out some sort of Banshee Death Wail. Now, because I'm a kind and benevolent soul, and also because I really need to do a post that doesn't involve Pierre Fitch, here it is: A Realtime, Unedited Review of Realitard's new single, "Overdosin'".

0:00 - Okay, bland synth-laden pop. Yada yada yada. Not like we haven't heard this before. Could be worse.
0:15 - Fuck me, was I ever wrong. You can literally HEAR the Auto-Tune. It's not pretty.
0:40 - Incredible. The Auto-Tune has turned Realitard's voice into some horrid, incoherent stream of breathy moans. The words are melting together like that disgusting, orangy processed cheese over a steaming shit-burger. But considering who's singing this, perhaps not hearing the lyrics is a blessing.
0:55 - Oh God, I'm smack dab in the middle of the chorus. It hasn't even been a full minute, and I already feel the warm, slow trickle of blood down my ears. The vocals have turned into some smooth paste of mediocrity, occasionally intersected by the word "Overdosing". This is the definition of Verbal Diahrea.
1:15 - Look, Heidi, I know you kissed your brain goodbye long, long ago, but really? You just used the phrase "I can't get enough of you" five times. FIVE TIMES. You honestly couldn't think of anything else, could you?
2:00 - The chorus has risen again. Oh sweet and merciful Godtopus, what have I done to anger you so that you would allow this horrid beast to wander the earth? I can feel the individual lobes of my brain holding a vote to go on strike.
2:30 - The Official "I can't get enough of you count": 10.
2:45 - (Uncontrollable Sobbing)
3:10 - IF YOU SING THAT LINE ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL DESTORY YOU. I WILL CHEW OFF YOUR KNEE CAPS, CUT OFF YOUR TOES, TEAR OFF YOUR ARMS AND RIP OUT YOUR IMPLANTS. THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH YOUR BLOOD. YOUR TERRIBLE, UNHOLY BLOOD. (Frothing at the mouth)
3:30 - The Official "I can't get enough of you count": 15.
3:45 - Oh thank God, it's over. The nightmare is finally over. I'm going to have Vietnam flashbacks of this song.

Well, that's it. I hate you all because you continue to breathe. If you dare take the plunge, the video is below. You have been fairly warned.

I Met A Celebrity!

Guess who saw his first celebrity yesterday? I did! Weee!

Anyways, Blog Fav/Porn Star/Incredibly Nice Guy Pierre Fitch wrote a lil note saying that he needed to get rid of a couple extra DVDs lying around. I decided to help him out because A) I am SUCH a good person, and B) I am completely powerless against a sale. So we arranged to meet in the Village.

So I went down, met him at the cafe, and of course, he's being really sweet, and of course, I begin stuttering like a complete tool. Fuck me. Something about hot guys that immediately turns me into a huge klutz. Anyways, here's a brief sampling of our conversation...

Pierre: Hey, how are you?

Me: (Incoherent babbling)

Pierre: It's great to finally meet you!

Me: (More incoherent babbling)

Pierre: So, you want me to sign it for you?

Me: (Yup. Still an idiot)

Pierre: ...I'm sorry, are you feeling okay?

Me: (Collapse)

Well, mind you, it didn't go THAT badly, I'm just embellishing for the sake of a good story. But still, I felt like a pretty huge idiot afterwards. Thankfully, he didn't even mention it, so THANK YOU for that one, Pierre.

And just to show you how nice he is... Look, he signed it! Yay!


Therefore, all readers are noe required to love Pierre Fitch. I SAID LOVE THE FITCH!

Also, nicest guy ever Matt The Great! has his own blog, which you can (and will) check out Here!

Can I Ask You Guys For A Couple Tiiiiiiiny Little Favours? Pleeeeeeease?

Yay! Thank you! Alright, so the first one is that I decided to do a Cancer Fundraiser Walks here in Montreal. It's for the Segal Cancer Centre, and it's to help fight cancers around the pelvic region. Oh, and one more thing? I have to do it in my underwear. Yup. Anyways, you know what this means: Donations!

Oh come on, I'm not asking you to fork over your life savings, but honestly anything you guys could send would be great. My goal so far is $300, because I'm not sure how good I am at begging for money, but if I see I'm doing well, I'll scootch it up a tad. Anyways, you can send donations Right Here. Thanks a lot!

Alright, number two is only for the gay/bi guys in the house, so all you others don't have to worry about. Anyways, bloggie friend and all around super nice guy Pierre Fitch just started his own social networking site, and I told him and Matt The Great! that I'd help spread the word. Anyways, the site is called http://www.meetpierrefitch.com/, and you can register for free. You don't have to do anything, but if we could up the numbers, I'm sure Pierre would appreciate it. Here's a little promo flyer they sent. I'm putting one up here, but I'm gonna print some others out and hand them out in the Village. Anyways, thanks guys!

Useless Talents #58 and #71: Beer Pong and Flip-Cup

Well, Just got back from my cousin's cottage up north. He's off to the states for college sometime next week, so we sent him off the only way we know how: Massive amounts of binge drinking. Here's the before pic:

And here's the after:

Needless to say, it was a good night. And here's one final pic of me playing some beer pong...