Tuesday, August 26, 2008

You Heard The Crappy Song, Now See The Crappy Video!

Thanks to jM for the heads-up, but the final video for Overdosin' has been released. Because I truly care about you all, and I read and appreciate the living fuck out of your comments, here it is: The review for Heidi Montag's video for the song we shall not name, for doing so would make me go apeshit on small children.

0:01 - Whoopee, ONE second in, and we already have a grauitous ass shot of Heidi Montag. There goes my last ounce of heterosexuality.
0:08 - Oh god, there's even a bad title: "Sweatin' With Heidi". Can I just kick the chair out from under me now and call it a day?
0:13 - you know what this video needs? More Hair Flips...THERE WE GO!
0:20 - Oh sweet Jesus, It's like one of those American Apparel Ads come to life. So...much...spandex. And look, she's doing the running man! And smiling! Somewhere out there, God just killed a puppy as retribution.
0:32 - I'm in love with this guy in the video, who shall now be named "Porn Stache". He is quite literally fucking the camera with his eyes. The most unintentionally funny part of the video by far, and you know what? I fucking love it. And as for Heidi? Fuck it. This bitch ain't even trying to lip-sync, is she? She just keeps making these weird kissy faces, like she's trying to blow Spencer's tiny, disappointing cock.
0:40 - YES! YES! OH, GODTOPUS, YES! PORN STACHE CLOSE UP! OH GOD, RIGHT THERE! And did I neglect to mention head-band girl? She looks like she's trying to shit a full-grown turkey.
0:50 - Apparently, they blew the entire budget on spandex, and then just threw choreography out the window. One of the dancers completely fucked up, and yes, you CAN notice it.
1:00 - Mmmmm...More Porn Stache. I'm I the only one who's reminded of Dov Charney?
1:12 - This is Bob. Bob has Bitch Tits.
1:17 - Oh My God, I found Tingle from The Legend of Zelda. And he's as FABULOUS as ever!
1:27 - Oh look, fattie can't raise a dumbell! Hahah! Laugh at fattie! God, it wasn't funny when Eddie Murphy did it, what makes you think you can pull it off? I'm actually starting to tire of Porn Stache. Yes, we get it, you're a convicted sex offender. Haha, funny.
1:37 - (Projectile Vomiting)
1:49 - Heidi Montag, demonstrating the position that landed her a place on a faux-reality show. Skank.
1:53 - Bitch, pleeeeeease. You think you're hot because you can life a leg over your head? Y'all ain't go NOTHING on me, slut!
2:05 - This is the point of the video when Porn Stache loses all charm, and instead, becomes a permament, terrifyinh fixture in your subconscious.
2:13 - CROTCH THRUSTS! God, you can actually hear the damn thing snarling at you. It's like some horrible, rabid monster waiting to bite your junk off.
2:17 - Oh, Mutton Chops, your my new favourite part of this horrid snuff flick. ta least he won't smother you and rape your corpse, RIGHT PORN STACHE?
2:40 - Ever wonder what happened to the Solid Gold Dancers? Well, they're either dead, or wishing they are.
3:00 - There's a disco ball, and Porn Stache is licking a lollipop. *More Projectile Vomiting*
3:18 - I know I've already made fun of the lip-synching before, but I just want to nail this home for you guys: This is so terrible, it makes me want to jack-knife onto St. Catherine.
3:52 - She's actually congratulating herself over this. Yes, she's happy with herself as a human being. I say no, you have absolutely no right to feel even slightly content over what you have wrought upon the world.
4:04 - It's over. The nightmare is finally over. Well, goodbye, Porn Stache, I'll see you everytime I close my eyes.

Anyways, with college starting, my updates will be less frequent from now on. Monday through Wednesday is packed for me, so don't expect much. Thankfully, Thursday and Friday are less busy. Today, for example, I left the house at 7 A.M., and got back at 7 P.M. Yup, my life is awesome. Thankfully, I got a break from 2:30 to 4:00, so I went to meet a friend from out of town, Dave, and Pierre for drinks. Since he was a fan of Pierre's we took a quick picture. Pierre, meanwhile, took the opportunity to feel up my tiny, non-existant tush. Yup, I got felt up by a Porn Star. Go me! At first I thought he was just off the mark a little, but then he actually gave it a lil squeeze. So naturally, I gave his a bit of a pinch in return. Hey, fair game! Anyways, that's how my first week of school turned out. And this weekend, we're going camping. Fuck my life. Anyways, see you all in hell!


Ze said...

...4minutes and 4seconds of my life down the crapper. oh well, at least you got felt up by a porn star!!

Rusty said...

I'm actually just a little bit jealous that you get to start classes and aren't stuck in the hell where you have earned a diploma but have not yet been granted one.

And that you got your ass felt up by a porn star, but I'm guessing you mean gay porn star and that wouldn't do much good for me.