Well, today was my first day of CEGEP (which is basically College's Slutty Cousin who does the weird shit on the first date), and surprisingly, I didn't fuck up quite as badly as I thought. Anyways, I came home and went, after going around a few sites including WIMB and BWE, I suddenly realized that Heidi "Realitard" Montag has finally taken over the internet. Truly, this was a dark day. Apparently, she had apparently shat out some sort of Banshee Death Wail. Now, because I'm a kind and benevolent soul, and also because I really need to do a post that doesn't involve Pierre Fitch, here it is: A Realtime, Unedited Review of Realitard's new single, "Overdosin'".
0:00 - Okay, bland synth-laden pop. Yada yada yada. Not like we haven't heard this before. Could be worse.
0:15 - Fuck me, was I ever wrong. You can literally HEAR the Auto-Tune. It's not pretty.
0:40 - Incredible. The Auto-Tune has turned Realitard's voice into some horrid, incoherent stream of breathy moans. The words are melting together like that disgusting, orangy processed cheese over a steaming shit-burger. But considering who's singing this, perhaps not hearing the lyrics is a blessing.
0:55 - Oh God, I'm smack dab in the middle of the chorus. It hasn't even been a full minute, and I already feel the warm, slow trickle of blood down my ears. The vocals have turned into some smooth paste of mediocrity, occasionally intersected by the word "Overdosing". This is the definition of Verbal Diahrea.
1:15 - Look, Heidi, I know you kissed your brain goodbye long, long ago, but really? You just used the phrase "I can't get enough of you" five times. FIVE TIMES. You honestly couldn't think of anything else, could you?
2:00 - The chorus has risen again. Oh sweet and merciful Godtopus, what have I done to anger you so that you would allow this horrid beast to wander the earth? I can feel the individual lobes of my brain holding a vote to go on strike.
2:30 - The Official "I can't get enough of you count": 10.
2:45 - (Uncontrollable Sobbing)
3:10 - IF YOU SING THAT LINE ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL DESTORY YOU. I WILL CHEW OFF YOUR KNEE CAPS, CUT OFF YOUR TOES, TEAR OFF YOUR ARMS AND RIP OUT YOUR IMPLANTS. THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH YOUR BLOOD. YOUR TERRIBLE, UNHOLY BLOOD. (Frothing at the mouth)
3:30 - The Official "I can't get enough of you count": 15.
3:45 - Oh thank God, it's over. The nightmare is finally over. I'm going to have Vietnam flashbacks of this song.
Well, that's it. I hate you all because you continue to breathe. If you dare take the plunge, the video is below. You have been fairly warned.