I said I would, so hear it is: The Realtime Review of Katy Perry's "Hot n Cold" video. Just a quick warning, but the next five minutes contains large amounts of waist-high booty shorts and dumbfuckery most foul. Consider yourself warned.
0:11 - Soooo it starts out in a church. Apparently, we havin' a shotgun wedding y'all! At least, I'm assuming so, since obviously, no one in their right mind would voluntarily get hitched to this dumb tramp. Moving along, now...
0:22 - Uuuuuuh-oh! Looks like the groom has cold feet. Wacky hijinx to ensue in 3, 2, 1...
0:32 - His cold feet does not please Katy Perry, and she rolls her eyes just to show how displeased she is with this.
0:40 - Funny how quickly this bitch can go from "So in love" to "I'm gonna tear your balls off and swallow them whole". Hooray fr traditional marriage! No on Prop 8, people.
0:53 - Oh my God, I love how the priest is just kinda leaning over to the side. Leaning: It's like dancing for fat people!
1:08 - The groom finally does the only intelligent thing in the video, and begins running like hell from the crazy Bitch who thinks she's Betty Boop
1:20 - Remember kids, when chasing after people to force them into marrying you, make sure you tear off all your clothes!
1:30 - This scene reminds me of back when I use to watch Family Guy: "Why is there always a fruit stand?"
1:45 - Oh look, the lil hipster kids are offering the groom for Human Sacrifice to their Slutty godesse. Is it just me, or does she look like she's trying to rip off the Webster's Dominatrix?
2:15 - In the space of a minute, Katy has managed to steal a car, get some baseball bats, and assembled a troupe of gilted dancing brides. And you wonder why MTV stopped playing music videos.
2:32 - Well, they've surrounded him now. Get ready for the second most violent circle jerk you've ever seen!
2:45 - "GRAHHHHHH! FEAR US AND OUR WELL CHOREOGRAPHED BIKING!"
3:06 - You know, if you're trying to convince a guy to like you, videophoning him in a state of near suicidal hysterics might not be the best bet, here.
3:17 - Look kids! It's "Ghetto Attention Whore Barbie"! Now on sale at Target for $19.99!
3:35 - KATYS! DANCING KATYS EVERYWHERE! Oh God, this must be what the deepest circle of hell looks like.
3:43 - And just for shits and giggles, let's throw some prostitots hula-hooping in there. Why the fuck not?
4:10 - Ummmmm...So Katy just came in with a zebra, and her ex-fiancee is lying on his back. You know what? It's too easy. I'm just gonna let you guys throw your own jokes in here in the comments.
4:15 - Oh wait, it was all just a dream, and he's still at the church. Don't you just hate when that happens?
4:23 - Oooooo, everyone's leaning in now. You know this shit's about to get REAL!
4:30 - I DO! HE SAID I DO! WE'RE FINALLY RID OF THAT CRAZY BETTY BOOP WANNABE! OH HAPPY DAY!
4:45 - Various festivites, and then tunnel to black. Goodbye five minutes of my life! Not like I could be doing anything better with my time than watching some two-bit prostitot running around on my computer.
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Anybody else want to sign a suicide pact with me? No? Well, watch the video, then come and talk to me.