Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Jeremy Feist For President



Oh, fuck it. I'm officially completely bored with all the bullshit flinging about of the mud down in the States. If I've learnd anything from the current ballots, it's that anybody really can be president. And you know what? Why the hell not. With less than a week left until the elections, I'm throwing my name into the race. That's right, bitches:

JEREMY FEIST '08

And as for my Platform?

1. Taxes

A necessary evil, but taxes help make sure that the many of the basic necessities of society remain constant. However, if the $700 billion bailout taught us anything, it's that the government has no idea how to properly spend taxes. We need to cut spending on corporate bailouts and instead spend more on creating anti-zombie programs. I also hereby call for a douchebag tax: basically, a tax against useless celebrities that annoy me. Consider yourself warned, Tila Tequila.

2. Healthcare

Obesity is a serious problem in the states, which is why I am putting into action my new plan, tentatively called "Put Down The Twinky And Run, Porky!". Also, since the current image of beauty is fucked up, I'm also creating a new program called "You're hot, they look like they're dying". Also, since almost one in four people will be affected by cancer and HIV/AIDS rates are on the rise, we need to spend more money on research for these terrible diseases.

3. Education

Fact of the matter is, there is a shitload being taught in school that isn't needed. Kids do need to learn about Language and Math and Geography. But kids also need to learn other things. Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide will therefore be required reading for all children. The sooner american children learn how to drive a crowbar through a zombie's brain matter, the better.

4. Seperation of Church and State

No one religion can ever truly encompass all religions, nor should it. That being said, as a follower of the Holy Godtopus, I firmly believe that the American people need a Murdertank with a working whiskey fountain and a Scarjo-head hood ornament so that we may rid the rule of Rainbow Killers everywhere.

5. Gay Marriage

Yeah fuck you, we're getting married whether you like it or not. Eat it.

6. Freedom of Speech

People deserve to say what they want. However, I also have the right to say what I want. For example, if I think you're an idiot, or your passing off total bullshit as fact, I will impose a "Bullshit Fine", which basically means, if you're going to bullshit the american public, we get to take some of your money and call you a twat.

Well, that's my platform. Now I just need a VP. Anybody interested?

4 comments:

Rusty said...

I'd volunteer, except that you are missing the only two legal requirements to running for president in the US:

1. You are not at least 35 years of age.
2. You are not a US citizen who was born in country.

Basically, this means that while you can't legally run for president, anyone meeting these requirements (and ballot requirements for individual states) can. Bottom line: Dane Cook is eligible to run for president, but you and I are not.

Makes one want to drink drain cleaner.

Marra Alane said...

I wouldn't worry too much about the requirements...because if we've learned anything from the past three elections, it's that you don't have to be qualified to convince the American electorate that you are qualified. Just forge some documents and create a few 527s that insist that you are legitimate and anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist. Problem solved.

Jeremy Feist said...

Rusty: I know, I know. Just a lil joke nom is all. But dear God, are you serious? The fact that theoretically, Dane Cook can be runnin this country fills me with Bile.

Marra: Also, if both Sarah Palin and those Obama beach pics have taught me anything, it's that you can slut it up for votes, and NO ONE will call you on it.

Robert said...

I'm pissed at the Australian media who blanket their products with news on the US elections while hardly mentioning elections that are running at the same time in Canada and New Zealand.
Anyway, rather than be your VP - I'll be your press secretary!