Jeremy Feist For President

Oh, fuck it. I'm officially completely bored with all the bullshit flinging about of the mud down in the States. If I've learnd anything from the current ballots, it's that anybody really can be president. And you know what? Why the hell not. With less than a week left until the elections, I'm throwing my name into the race. That's right, bitches:

JEREMY FEIST '08

And as for my Platform?

1. Taxes

A necessary evil, but taxes help make sure that the many of the basic necessities of society remain constant. However, if the $700 billion bailout taught us anything, it's that the government has no idea how to properly spend taxes. We need to cut spending on corporate bailouts and instead spend more on creating anti-zombie programs. I also hereby call for a douchebag tax: basically, a tax against useless celebrities that annoy me. Consider yourself warned, Tila Tequila.

2. Healthcare

Obesity is a serious problem in the states, which is why I am putting into action my new plan, tentatively called "Put Down The Twinky And Run, Porky!". Also, since the current image of beauty is fucked up, I'm also creating a new program called "You're hot, they look like they're dying". Also, since almost one in four people will be affected by cancer and HIV/AIDS rates are on the rise, we need to spend more money on research for these terrible diseases.

3. Education

Fact of the matter is, there is a shitload being taught in school that isn't needed. Kids do need to learn about Language and Math and Geography. But kids also need to learn other things. Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide will therefore be required reading for all children. The sooner american children learn how to drive a crowbar through a zombie's brain matter, the better.

4. Seperation of Church and State

No one religion can ever truly encompass all religions, nor should it. That being said, as a follower of the Holy Godtopus, I firmly believe that the American people need a Murdertank with a working whiskey fountain and a Scarjo-head hood ornament so that we may rid the rule of Rainbow Killers everywhere.

5. Gay Marriage

Yeah fuck you, we're getting married whether you like it or not. Eat it.

6. Freedom of Speech

People deserve to say what they want. However, I also have the right to say what I want. For example, if I think you're an idiot, or your passing off total bullshit as fact, I will impose a "Bullshit Fine", which basically means, if you're going to bullshit the american public, we get to take some of your money and call you a twat.

Well, that's my platform. Now I just need a VP. Anybody interested?