You know what I haven't done in a while? Made fun of videos in a real-time review. And you know who I hate? Fall Out Boy. And do you know who has a new video? Fall Out Boy. You can see where I'm going with this, can't you? Well, for your viewing pleasure, here's the real time review of "I Don't Care".
0:15 - Alrighty, so, the band apparently finished playing to a crowd twelve year-old lobotomy patients who shop at Hot Topic (the only excuse for why there is applause instead of the much more accurate throwing of Molotov Cocktails). A musician with questionable taste in facial hair asks "What the hell happened to rock and roll?" I know this is meant to be ironic, but fuck you, I'm gonna take this at face value.
0:23 - "I've taken shits with bigger rock stars than them!" Excuse me while I go build a time machine so I can go back a thousand years to when this joke didn't completely suck.
0:28 - And now they're onstage, and they're TOTALLY ROCKING OUT!!! That, or they all seem to be suffering from simultaneous seizures. The lines are blurry. And please, all black clothing? Waaaaa, we're misunderstood! Shut your goddamn whinehole, emo.
0:31 - Pixelated mangina in three, two, one and gooooooooooooooooooooo...
0:40 - Oh, snap! The doughy lead singer just pushed over that old guys walker because he DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! Please. Shouldn't you be off somewhere, giggling while people poke you in the stomach?
1:00 - Which is more pretentious and annoying: Pete Wentz or a mime? Hmmmmmmm... Gonna go with Pete on this one. At least mimes can keep their goddamn mouths shut.
1:12 - Oh my God, the Pillsbury Doughboy is totally going up against that creepy old Six Flags Guy! Oh come on, you just know they look alike too.
1:27 - The one who kinda looks like Animal from the Muppets (sorry, Che) just took a lil girls ice cream cone and smashed it on the grounf because he DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! The only thing missing is a pencil moustache he can twirl in his fingers and some rope so he can tie her to the train tracks.
1:50 - Emo Mcshutyourfuckingfacealreadypetewentz and Animal rob a girl busking for quarters. You know what? I love the buskers. They're fucking adorable, and I will destroy anyone who steals from them. Something about the glazed look in their eye and the fact that their breath smells like Jack Daniels that reminds me of home.
2:02 - And now for the only redeeming part of this video: SPAGHETTI CAT! EEEEEE! I love you, Joel McHale!
2:10 - The band is now throwing water balloons at random people. Nice to know they're on the same IQ level as their fans.
2:33 - Gasp. Obvious Paris Hilton reference. Oh wow, not like this hasn't been done to death almost FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO.
2:55 - Oh God, why the fuck do I do this for you people? Can I just skip to the ending? I better get a freaking medal for this.
3:26 - Fake Paris Hilton takes off a mask to reveal that he is in fact... PETE WENTZ! Oh god, I said it once, I'll say it again, people: Pete Wentz has had more pricks in his ass than Barry Bonds.
3:40 - And the Doughy Fat One who sounds like he's six inches dilated is actually Pharell from N.E.R.D. Somewhere out there, M. Night Shyamalamadingdong is having an orgasm. WHAT A TWIST!
3:50 - I'm not even gonna try to guess who this guy is. Somehow, taking off the mask has let him grow six inches in the space of a second. This is completely logical.
4:04 - And who's this guy noOHMYFUCKINGGOD! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
4:09 - Someone has finally knocked the skinny-ass poser right the fuck out. Truly this is a grand day, up there with the destruction of the Berlin Wall and Deep Fried Twinkies.
4:13 - Oh wait, it was actually Spencer's flesh coloured pedo-beard from The Hills. As much as I enjoy seeing him in pain (real or fake), the sheer fact that I'm forced to look at him fills me with Bile.
4:21 - We're back to the opening scene now. Oh look, it's Sarah Palin. Maverick, motherfucker (*takes a shot of drain-o*).
4:26 - Sarah: *wink!* Jeremy: *drain-o!*
Well, there you go, assholes. Other than a two second bit of Spaghetti Cat, there was not a single redeeming feature to this video. At least with that Heidi bitch, there was a kind of self-awareness of the fact that we all hated her. Fall Out Boy seems to be under the delusion that they're actually legitimate Rock Stars, and that a crappy video full of dated jokes somehow makes them relevant. Pass. To quote Toot Braunstein, "HOLY CRAP! THAT SUCKED MY BALLS!"
For those of you brave/stupid enough to wade through it, here's the video. Choke on it, bitches.