Thursday, October 9, 2008

Paula Deen is Trying to Fucking Kill Us

Alright, confession time: I love watching the Food Channel. I just finished my midterms, which consisted of six tests in the space of two days, so I'm currently watching to unwind a little. And I have to admit a certain fondness for Paula Deen. I love her accent, and she actually seems to enjoy cooking, as opposed to the Everyday Italian girl, who seems intent on pushing Feminism back a good thirty years or so. That being said, PAULA DEEN IS TRYING TO FUCKING KILL US. Seriously, I just watched the bitch instruct her audience on how to make Deep-Fried Macaroni wrapped in Bacon (which sounds both delicious, but will probably land you in the big house for a triple-bypass). Considering her taste in cooking, I figured I'd offer her a couple other recipes to try out in the near future.

Bacon Doughnut Cheeseburger
Fry a burger patty in bacon fat, sandwich in between two Krispy Kreme dougnuts and top the patty with cheese, bacon and a stick of butter. Afterwards, top the doughnut with chocolate sauce, marshmallows and some whipped cream if you're feeling sassy


Oreo and Mayonnaise Omelet
Fry an omelet made of twenty egg yolks in pig lard. Once both sides are grilled, fold over a cup of mayonnaise, a scoop of butter pecan ice cream, and handful of pork rinds. Once rolled, slather it in butter, and cover in crushed oreo cookie pieces.

Fattening Mushy Shit
Mix five pounds of flour, five pounds of sugar and five pounds of butter together. Deep fry, then force feed it to the first person you see. Don't stop until he/she stops breathing.

Instant Death
Fill a large syringe with melted butter, hot fudge, lard, dishwasher detergent, caramel, mayonnaise and five raw eggs. Inject directly into the heart. Bon Fucking Appetite.

3 comments:

Rusty said...

When I was at University I was kind of obsessed with Food Network too. It's amazing.

That said, when I make cookies from scratch I have a REALLY hard time not eating all of the butter mixed with sugar before I add other ingredients. It's really delicious. I have some sympathy for Paula Deen and her butter-love.

Sarah said...

My dearly beloved Jeremy,

You do realise that, minus the deep-frying, your recipe for "Fattening Mushy Shit" is the exact recipe for a bigass batch of shortbread biscuits? Except, again, rather than frying the goo you would roll it out, cut it into pieces and bake it.

Think about that the next time you eat some delicious, delicious shortbread. You'll totally hear your own arteries clogging, and if there's not too much background noise, you'll also hear your pulmonary and tricuspid valves seize simultaneously!

You're welcome!

Love and myocardial infarction,
Sarina

Jeremy said...

rusty: I love me some dough, too. The best is when you save some cookie dough, you mix it in with some vanilla ice cream, and you got yourself some delicious, delicious cookie dough ice cream. Mmmmmm... But seriously, as much as I love her, the bitch made deep fried butter balls for christ's sake, she needs to take it down a peg.

Sarah: Oh dear God, you're kidding me. I was just going for the most fattening combination of baking ingredients I can think of, and I inadvertently create shortbread cookies. Are you serious? Jeebus, I'm not sure whether to categorize this under "ironic" or "sad".