It's October, and you know what that means! Well, aside from Black & Blue. And the Canadian Thanksgiving. It's Halloween! That magical time of year where you can beg for candy dressed like a total skank and no one will make you feel guilty for it!
But of course, aside from dressing up like a sexy nurse/flight attendent/witch/serial arsonist, it's also a pretty easy excuse to go on a horror flick binge. So in honour of Halloween, here are the ten movies you have to watch for Halloween.
10. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
Or as I like to call it, "The Peanuts special where Linus fucks up and ensures that he'll die a virgin". Seriously, the poor kid had to deliver one of the most well known dialogues in the history of Christmas just to make up for this clusterfuck. The Great Pumpkin?! Really? Sweet merciful Godtopus. And for that matter, who the fuck gives out rocks on Halloween? The parents in this town are total assholes.
This is kind of a given, isn't it? And of course, I'm talking about the ORIGINAL Halloween, not the forgetably Rob Zombie remake. Sure, the name of Michael Meyers may be ruined thanks to Mike Meyers and his knack for making completely shit movies, but he's still creepy as fuck.
8. The Blair Witch Project
With Cloverfield no longer topical and the likely soon to flop Quarantine coming out, it's nice to look back at where the fourth wall first got it's ass handed back to it. Compared to the new generation of horror, where movies are only scary if they feature one of the characters drinking an intestine smoothie, it's good to look back on subtlty. Remember subtlty? It's dead now.
7. The Excorcist
This is why I'm getting a v-sec. No child of mine is getting demonically possessed. Fuck that shit. But yeah, Linda Blair freaked my shit out. Seriously, did you SEE how far around her head can go? And the puke! Holy shit, I do not want to deal with that.
Something I should probably tell you right now: I grew up on movies from the 90's. I love 90's movies. And I love Scream. What can I say? It was the first horro movie to realise how stupid it was. And you know what? It was pretty good!
5. Final Destination
Oh my Godtopus, did I ever love this movie. Take a bunch of teens,have them avoid horrible accident, then have death pick them off in the most cartoony way available. Sure, it's repetitive as hell, but a shit-ton of fun.
4. Friday the 13th
I've never been to summer camp. My kids (knock on wood) will not go to summer camp. And assuming the world hasn't been overrun by zombies, my grandkids aren't going to summer camp. You know why? Because the counselors are idiots who let children drown and routinely get killed off by old people while having sex. Also, Kevin Bacon goes there. So yeah, it's not happening.
3. Nightmare on Elm Street
I know everyone falls between team Freddy and team Jason, but I have to side with Freddy on this one. Sure, he wears a Christmas sweater, but have you seen his kills? Each one is tailor made to fit each person's vice. Now THAT's just good business. The original still stands as the best, though if you can throw the third one in for good measure. And while you're at it, you might as well watch the second too. The second movie was GAY GAY GAY. Get on it.
2. Night of the Living Dead
ZOMBIES. IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT GODDAMN ZOMBIES. This is pretty much required viewing if you plan on living through the Zombie Apocalypse. This is one of the first and arguably the best zombie movie ever made.
1. Everything Tim Burton Ever Made
Nightmare Before Christmas. Edward Scissorhands. Corpse Bride. Sweeney Todd. Mars Attacks! And of course, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Enough said.