5 Ridiculous Things That Will Turn You Gay

1. Video Games!
Because the "Tingle is a Fairy" jokes just weren't easy enough, you can thank The Timothy Group for blowing the big, gay whistle on video games. Their job is to basically suck all the fun out of video games by listing all the video games with objectionable content, their theory being that no one ever did anything violent before TV or Video Games (*Cough*The Crusades*Cough*). Sorry about that. I have bullshit induced asthma.

High up on their list of video games that will turn you gay: Grand Theft Auto IV, Saints Row 2, Bully, Mass Effect, Fable II and Army of Two, which apparently means that everyone in the western hemisphere has gone the way of musical theater and flannel shirts. Although noticeably absent from the list: Super Smash Bros Brawl. Seriously, have you SEEN Snake's ass? You can bounce quarters off that thing.

2. Soy!
If you were to believe World Net Daily's Jim Rutz, professional Windbag/Crazy Person, the reason kids these days are turning gay is because of...Soy. Yes, the weird, squishy white shit that doesn't actually taste like fucking anything is trying to turn your kids into homos. EVERYBODY FUCKING PANIC.

According to Rutz, soy contains estrogen, and if you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. Truth is, yes, soy does contain estrogen, although you'd be hard-pressed to find a legitimate scientific study that actually proves soy will turn you gay. Baby carrots, on the other hand, are definitely trying to make you switch teams.

3. Straight Porn!
See if you can follow this logic: If you love vaginas too much, it will make you want to sleep with guys...Wait, huh? "What the fucking cocks is that shit supposed to mean?" you may ask yourself. Well, according Sen. Tom Coburn (R-etard), porn makes you jack off, and if you get pleasure from jacking yourself off, you'll get pleasure from jacking OTHER people off. I wonder if his wife actually bought that load of horse shit too.

Although it could make sense. Look how many straight porn stars have gone gay! Because obviously appearing in gay porn makes you gay. Just look at Simon Rex. Or Jason Adonis. Or pretty much every single model from Randy Blue. Surely they're all gay, right? Oh, wait, no they're not. Well this throws a wrench into things, doesn't?
4. Kids Shows!
If Jerry Falwell is to be believed, on top of being pants-shittingly terrifying, the Teletubbies are also totes mcgotes gay. Sure, they don't actually have any discernible sex, but look at that purple one! He/She/Whatever the fuck that thing is is carrying a purse! Lock up your kids before the gay radiation (Gaydiaton, if you will) from the TV turns your kid into a quiche-eating fairy!

Or if that bit of nonsense didn't quite fill you with enough irrational hatred, Spongebob is also gay! Why, might you ask? Because he appeared in a video promoting love and tolerance, and as we all know, only gay people can feel love and tolerance. Which, come to think of it, really doesn't say much about your straight people, does it? Thanks a heap, James Dobson.

5. Music!
A couple years ago, Donnie Davies jokingly released a list of bands that would turn you gay if you listened to them, which ranged from pretty obvious (The Gossip, Elton John), to the somewhat more obscure (Fleet Foxes, Vampire Weekend) to the just plain implausible (Toby Keith, Beck). Even funnier was his list of Safe Bands, which included Cyndi Lauper and The Dresden Dolls.

This would all be much funnier if people didn't actually fucking believe him. Whoops. All in all, the lists are both pretty random (Sufjan Stevens makes the safe list by the request of his editor), although the fact that there are people out there so devoid of a sense of humour that they can't even get the joke scares me a little.