Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I Will Keep You In My Heart

I'm starting to feel like I'm coming back to myself. The past couple days have been an out of body experience. Everything just sort of blurs in everything else; your eyes refuse to focus, sounds and music bleed into each other, and the chill makes you shiver but you're never really cold.

But now the dust is settling, albeit rather slowly. It's sort of like piecing together a puzzle, only the pieces don't fit together as well as you would hope, and you're not quite sure you really want to see what the big picture is at the end. Eventually, you'll have to, but that really doesn't keep it from hurting like hell, does it?

I've started searching for things to remember him by, and I put them in a box so that I can always have some small part of him, something to tell me that he'll never really be gone. It's not much, but it's something. It's like how you take all the memories of those you lost and keep them in a place in your heart. It helps you remember them, even though remembering them hurts like hell and reminds you of what you lost. On some sick, masochistic level, you want it to hurt, because the pain means that what you had was real, and that it meant something. It wasn't what you wanted it to be, and it never will be, but you learn to appreciate it for what it was instead of what you wish it could have been. The pain is almost unbearable, but it means you're alive. It'll never go away, but neither will your love. And that more than makes up for it, doesn't it?


Ammos said...

Lovely put. Clear-headed, eloquent and strong. I'm impressed. Be proud of yourself.

Mareczku said...

That was beautiful, Jeremy. Robert just got home to Oz so he should be checking in with you soon. Stay strong, my friend, love and prayers are with you. Sending you big hugs from PA.

All my love - Mark

Foster said...

Jeremy like I said hang in there. You will get through this and it will always be a part of your life. I know Clyde will always be part of you. You will see that things happen that make you remember him so he will never leave you but I am sure he would want you to go on. I still wish I could hug you.

Drake said...

So sad that this has happened to you Jeremy. Hang in there, please. Big E-hug.