Friday, October 23, 2009

$ex (Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Fourgies)

A quick rundown of things I accomplished in Toronto this week:
  • Learned that Spectrogel looks alarmingly like semen, though should not, under any circumstance, be consumed.
  • Stopped by GoodHandy's for a quick visit, by which I mean I ended up doing shots with Billy Bronco for two hours and flashing my junk onstage.
  • Invented a sex position...Possibly.
  • Finally managed to finish off Daniel Handler's The Basic Eight, which was actually pretty good, although the plot twist at the end was a bit nonsensical.
  • Pulled off my first group sex scene with minimal fuck ups on my behalf.
That being said, Mom, if you're reading this, now would be a good time to stop. It pretty much goes down hill from here.

This week's trip to Toronto was at the request of (not to be confused with, especially since the former pays better. ZINGER!), which is sort of like Manhunt, only more Canadian and therefore more awesome, i.e. every profile must include five uses of the word "eh".

This one was a little different than my previous scenes, since this one had an actual script, wardrobe AND a makeup artist who spent the entire goddamn day covering my pasty Irish skin. Sorry about that one. Needless to say, this one was professional as shit. This also marked the third time I worked with Sam Swift, which means if I do one more scene with him, I get a free six-inch sandwich, because gay porn works like Subway.

The scene started off with Sam in a webchat room, trying to get guys over to his apartment and yadda yadda yadda buttsex. The only problem was in order to pull this off, we had to log on to one of their actual chatrooms, thus giving the good customers of Squirt a free show, as well as behind the scenes footage. Just one of the many perk of being a member of You should sign up for that shit, yo.

Anyhoodle, after that, in walks me playing the precocious skater boy who proceeds to go down on Sam then gets fucked stupid. Honestly, at this point Sam and I are of the understanding that he will fuck the sweet holy bejeezus out of me and administer as much pain as humanly possible, and I will take it and love every minute of it. Which I suppose makes me something of a masochist, but let's face it, that was fairly obvious, wasn't it?

So Sam is fucking the daylights out of me, and in walks in Johnny Maverick (who I'm assuming picked out the name before Palin turned it into a shot-inducing one-liner), who plays the guy who's all gooey for Sam. Sam's character, of course, is having none of this, so he sends him over to the other side of my digestive track.

Here's where it gets interesting. The director figured that since I weigh roughly about as much helium, that Sam and Johnny should fuck me in middair. What followed was what can only be described as the greatest sex position EVER. I don't actually have a shot of it (that will be released when we're damn good and ready), but I do have this crudely drawn MS Paint sketch.
This position is precisely as awesome as you would think it is, meaning VERY. Although over the course of receiving an aerial skull fuck from Johnny, his balls did end up blocking my nose pretty much the entire time, so breathing was a little hard. But who am I kidding, I loved it. Somewhere in between the hammering on both ends, the director thought it would be funny if they dropped me on the futon. I agreed of course, because let's face it, that's hysterically funny. Although my agreement of "Sure, that sounds pretty kickass" came out more as "Mmf, mmm mmmmm mmmffmm mmmffmmfff", as my face was lodged pretty firmly in Johnny's scrotum. When you have a mouth full of dong, everything comes out as a bunch of M's and F's.

And so they dropped me, and I landed on the futon safe and sound. And then they decided to drop me again. And again. Three friggin' takes. Honestly, I am so proud of my performance. If we don't win a GayVN for this awesomeness, I'm playing the "RIGGED!" card.

And then of course, for part two we brought in Ryan Russell, who I'm pretty sure must be off his fucking gourd. Getting fucked by Sam is fucking feat in itself, but taking two dildoes up the ass? My God, what a trooper. That or he's crazy. Both are entirely possible. Once again, if we don't win a fucking GayVN for this, someone's getting shanked.

After all was said and done and wiped off, I decided to head over to GoodHandy's for a quick visit. Although anyone who knows me knows that I can never go into a place with alcohol for a "quick visit". Naturally, I ended up doing shots with Mandy and Billy Bronco, showing off my junk onstage, and basically releasing some of that latent alcoholism we all know I'm hiding from the world. All in all, a fun fucking trip.


Alec Sarkas said...

Only you can make a stick figure sketch hot! Which just goes to show, it's not the tools you use, it's how you use them. Awesome.

meaux said...


That is all.

DeWayne In San Diego said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeWayne In San Diego said...

One of your better posts and I can't wait to see this, one of the hottest positions possible!

Your illustration was perfect and I posted to Gay Porn Gossip an excerpt.

Rae at 24:01 A.M. said...

"When you have a mouth full of dong, everything comes out as a bunch of M's and F's."

That made me laugh so hard. You're a really good writer though. Very descriptive, which isn't bad at all.


Figgylicious said...

I like that I can read entire descriptions of gay porn scenes without batting an eye.

No, really, I love these stories and your writing is just freakin' hilarious. Particularly the inclusion of drawings. Best gay porn blog ever! OK, only one I've ever read but I do love it. Keep it up! (hyuck hyuck see what I did there).

yolandesa said...

I can't believe I'm delurking for this, but that position is called "el pollo asado" or roasted chicken in some Latinamerican countries....

Foster said...

Those stick figures are really hot. Just imagine how hot they would be if we could see their big sticks sticking up.

Nick Starr said...

Great story....I'm heading to Toronto this coming Sunday thru Friday. I can only hope my adventures are 1/2 as much fun.

Nick Starr said...

BTW, I totally love the Stanley Kubrick homage in the title of the post.