Sunday, October 11, 2009

When 'Good' Stops Being Good Enough

Don't let 'em say I didn't try my hardest to be good. Honestly, I really did. I paid my bills on time, I tried to not bother anyone, I was polite and respectful...but hey, apparently that's not good enough anymore, is it?

You do all you can, and for what? To wake up one day and find out that the man you love is gone? No, not just gone, but erased. Like God himself shook some big Etch-a-Sketch in the sky and he disappears without a trace. Do you know what I have to remember him by? A shirt, some empty beer cans and some cigarette ashes.

Did you know his funeral is tomorrow in Windsor, Ontario of all places? Tomorrow, and there's absolutely no way I'll be able to go. None whatsoever. Honestly, the smallest thing I could even ask for was one last goodbye and apparently I can't even get that. I just give him his sunglasses, close the door and he's out of my life, never to come back ever again.

Somehow, this is what the universe thinks I deserve. Oh I tried to be good, I really did. Ask anyone. But good isn't good enough. You know what happens to good people? They get used and then thrown away like they're made of tissue paper. It seems the only way to get anything these days is to be a raging asshole.

Well, maybe that's the game I should be playing then, huh? I tried to be nice, I really did, but if this is what nice gets you, then obviously I'm playing for the wrong team here. Well fuck that noise, I may not be able to bring my love back, but I can still settle the score with a world that seems content to take him away from me. I may be pushing my luck on this one, but luck pushed me first. Consider this my way of evening the score.

7 comments:

guiltypartner said...

your rant is understandable, but universally flawed.
people don't die to fuck with you.

when you love someone, and that person is taken from this world, the greatest respect to thier memory you can give is to NOT let it turn you into this raging asshole. working through these feelings is important to your growth as a whole person. this isn't just random gp psycho-babble. i have been through EXACTLY what you are going through (right down to the missed funeral).

remembering the good times right now is hurtful because you accept that you won't have the opportunities to make more with clyde. that hurt is completely rational. but facing those lost possibilities and knowing that this hurt (while always present) WILL lose some of its heart-tearing edge will eventually be what helps you to heal.

you should cry. you should scream. you should shiver and shake and sob and wail.
but you should also know that ALL of this IS a part of life. and you WILL feel better and you WILL be alright.

you are a smart, wonderful person
and these feelings may seem insurmountable, but they aren't.

Mareczku said...

Jeremy, guiltypartner said good things here. You said that Clyde died of a drug overdose. So this was not your fault and it was not God's fault. Clyde was a human being and he made mistakes and sadly this cost him his life. If his story can help others from making the same mistake then something positive can come from this horror. It is a hard lesson. I think you need to lean on your family here. You need their love and support and their hugs. You need shoulders to cry on. Don't go through this alone. I think it is good that you share your pain here but share it also with those that you know. Lots of love and hugs to you. Mark

meaux said...

Oh Jeremy, with friends like you to remember him, Clyde will never be erased.

Listen to gp and Mark, they speak the truth more eloquently than I can hope to--and know that we all are here for you. I can't pretend to know what you're feeling right now, but please don't let this terrible loss discourage you from being the wonderful, funny, lovable and loving person that you are.

Robert said...

My esteemed previous bloggers have all hit the nail on the head. Your greatest gift to Clyde is to fight the fight and come out the other end with a smile. Deep down Jeremy you know that you are bursting with creative talent. Explore your gift and if it helps your grieving process, do it for Clyde – just do it babe.
X Robert

James said...

Snap the fuck out of it. Stop trying to martyr yourself. Mourn the loss and the remember the guy, but stop beating your self up over something you had no control over. And stop trying to place blame on something when by all accounts this was an unfortunate accident. It's normal to want to be angry at someone or something when a bad thing happens to you, but you're grasping at straws when you try to use this death as a reason to be an asshole.

I get that you loved him very much and I'm not discounting that your feelings were real and stong, but you're too young to be proclaiming him the love of your life. You can count the number of boyfriends you've had on one hand. There is a lot of world out there to explore. A lot of loves to be had. A lot of freinds to be made. Don't make the mistake of hardening yourself up before you've even really had a chance to truly experience life.

Yes, life is hard and we don't always or ever get the things we want. But, what you do when the chips are down is what defines you. It's up to you if you want to become some douchebag who people generally dislike and don't want to be around. Or you can rise above this, learn the lessons that this tragic event has to offer, become a stronger person, and continue to grow. This is my first post, but I've been reading your blog for some time now. I don't want to see the idealistic and fun boy that you are slowly wither away because you choose to take this death as a personal attack on you. That's the easy way out and you know it. Don't fuck this up. Learn from this death. Consider the things that made this situation happen. He didn't die trying to cross the street or because of some heart attack. You're trying you're hardest not to consider how much of this was his fault. Which is fine, because I know how hard that is to think about. But, sooner or later, you need to think about the fact that this was a drug overdose. While I am far from the perfect person and have dabbled in drug use, I am not stupid enough to think that a person who dies from a drug overdose is blameless. And I know first had that a person battling an addiction can sometimes be like a drowning ship. There is only so much that can be saved. Don't be another casualty. If he truly loved you, he would not want his death to be the last time you cared about anything.

Hope I'm not being too harsh. Sorry if I am.

Drake said...

Jeremy,

I hear your anger and sadness. And it does suck so much.

But, it will get better.

Something similar happened to me in college. I had just started seeing a guy. He was SO beautiful, inside and out. I was so in love with him that it was hard to breath.

He was supposed to take a weekend trip with some friends, and I worried a little when I didn't hear from him the following Monday. Then I saw the newspaper, and read that he had been killed by a drunk driver in an accident on the way back home.

Everyone who could have called me and let me know were still hospitalized, so I had to find out in a fucking newspaper. I literally collapsed on the sidewalk.

His parents took him off to NJ for his funeral, so I didn't get that closure either. And, I cried and raged for a long, long time. And it slowly got better.

And, I still feel sad sometimes. I'll see someone who's eyes are the same vivid blue, or something that we had shared together. And I cry.

But, I kept plugging along, not always sure why. And it got better.

You're a great guy, smart, funny, articulate, cute-as-fuck. And young. Keep plugging along. It will never be completely OK again, but it will get better.

Mareczku said...

Jeremy, I went to Mass tonight and I said a few prayers for you so know that you are in my heart. Perhaps it hurts too much for you to pray but maybe you can ask you mom or other family members to pray for you and for Clyde. Try to get comfort from knowing that others care. Big hugs as always, my friend.

Love - Mark