Anybody who knows me is well aware of the fact that I am a lil ball of neurosis. You'd figure having three brothers would have toughen me up/dumbed me down, but not so, apparently. Since it's Halloween, I figured I'd go through some of my weirder fears.
My Alarm Clock
This may just be the innate slacker in me, but nothing scares me quite like the sound of my alarm clock. The weird thing is, I have two different alarm clocks (one for each house), but only one of them is capable of filling me with gut-wrenching terror. Hear me out on this one: I'm in the dark, sound asleep, when suddenly, the soft buzz/beep. And it just keeps getting louder and louder like one of those horror movie monsters that just endlessly shuffles towards you while you lay bleeding in a ditch with both your legs broken. Now, imagine this five times a fucking week. Now THAT is fucking horror.
Zac Efron
Holy Christ, does he ever scare me. Now, for any of the lil tweener girls/twink-loving men out there still writing "Mrs. Zac Efron" on their trapper-keeper, please don't come banging on my door with pitchforks and torches, please don't twist my words around here; He could be the nicest guy in the world for all I know. It's just that, well, when I was a kid, I had these nightmares of Mannequines coming to life, and ever since, I've been terrified of them. Zac Efron just happens to be the physical mannifestation of all me childhood fears. Coincidently, I'm also pants-shittingly afraid of Brent Corrigan. Although there are a few other reasons for that.
Spiders
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD DO THESE THINGS SCARE ME. I have no idea what it is exactly. I mean, there are the legs.
And the eyes.
And the fangs.
And the hair.
And that weird lil hissy thing they do where they rear back and raise their evil little spider arms and bare their fangs.
Seriously, why the hell did God make spiders?
Meh. To lead you out, here's the Marylin Manson cover of "This is Halloween", which I've listened to something around 97 times today. Happy Halloween, y'all!
I'm feelign especially random Today. So here's the top 10 fictional bands. Why the fuck not? (Note: for the sake of fairness, the results were decided based on an enctirely scientific formula involving a monkey, a dartboard and a bottle of Jack Daniels)
10. Foxxy Five
A parody of Josie and the Pussycats, Foxxy Love tried to reunite the band with booze and spontaneous lesbian orgies, only to kill them all by running them over, then cashed in on the tragedy. They never actually made any music, but Foxxy did make this loving ode to a certain part of the va-jay-jay.
9. Flight of the Conchords Their official title is "Formerly New Zealand's fourth most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo". That title is made of win.
8. Barry Jive and the Uptown Five
The band from the great book and the subsequent great movie, this one of the reasons why I continue stand by Jack Black, even though he feels the need to shovel loads of shit down my throat.
7. The Jerk-Offs
A queercore band with Michael Cera on guitar? Yes please. Sure, they don't actually have a drummer, but who cares?
6. Finger Bang
There are no words to explain how hilarious this band is. Cartman's blatant attempt to make money off the boyband craze results in a boyband with an unintentionally sexual name, a dead Kenny, and the best sendup of crappy, overproduced pop ever made.
5. The Commitments
A Soul Band hailing from Ireland, it was fronted by Glen Hansard, singer of Irish Rock Band The Frames, and who would later go on to win an Oscar for 2007's Once. He should really consider becoming a fulltime movie singer, huh?
4. The Blues Brothers
Let's try to remember a time when Jim Belushi didn't make According to Jim, Dan Aykroyd didn't fade into obscurity, and SNL could be funny without Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Good times...
3. Spinal Tap
Oh Spinal Tap...I defy you to name a more influential mockumentary. The weird thing is, before I saw the movie, I thought they were a real band. I'm smart.
2. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem THEY ARE A ROCK BAND. A ROCK BAND OF MUPPETS. AND ANIMAL IS THE DRUMMER. WHAT PART OF THAT DO YOU NOT FIND TO BE BRICK-SHITTINGLY AWESOME?
1. Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band Solution
If you don't know about this band, congratulations! You're dead to me. A folk-band created by the wonderfully unself-aware Tobias, the entire act was a shill for The Natural Life Food Company. If the idea of David Cross, Amy Poehler and Michael Cera singing folk songs about health food doesn't give you a screaming orgasm, you obviously don't have a pulse. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a video on youtube of the performance. Take my word for it here.
Oh, fuck it. I'm officially completely bored with all the bullshit flinging about of the mud down in the States. If I've learnd anything from the current ballots, it's that anybody really can be president. And you know what? Why the hell not. With less than a week left until the elections, I'm throwing my name into the race. That's right, bitches:
JEREMY FEIST '08
And as for my Platform?
1. Taxes
A necessary evil, but taxes help make sure that the many of the basic necessities of society remain constant. However, if the $700 billion bailout taught us anything, it's that the government has no idea how to properly spend taxes. We need to cut spending on corporate bailouts and instead spend more on creating anti-zombie programs. I also hereby call for a douchebag tax: basically, a tax against useless celebrities that annoy me. Consider yourself warned, Tila Tequila.
2. Healthcare
Obesity is a serious problem in the states, which is why I am putting into action my new plan, tentatively called "Put Down The Twinky And Run, Porky!". Also, since the current image of beauty is fucked up, I'm also creating a new program called "You're hot, they look like they're dying". Also, since almost one in four people will be affected by cancer and HIV/AIDS rates are on the rise, we need to spend more money on research for these terrible diseases.
3. Education
Fact of the matter is, there is a shitload being taught in school that isn't needed. Kids do need to learn about Language and Math and Geography. But kids also need to learn other things. Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide will therefore be required reading for all children. The sooner american children learn how to drive a crowbar through a zombie's brain matter, the better.
4. Seperation of Church and State
No one religion can ever truly encompass all religions, nor should it. That being said, as a follower of the Holy Godtopus, I firmly believe that the American people need a Murdertank with a working whiskey fountain and a Scarjo-head hood ornament so that we may rid the rule of Rainbow Killers everywhere.
5. Gay Marriage
Yeah fuck you, we're getting married whether you like it or not. Eat it.
6. Freedom of Speech
People deserve to say what they want. However, I also have the right to say what I want. For example, if I think you're an idiot, or your passing off total bullshit as fact, I will impose a "Bullshit Fine", which basically means, if you're going to bullshit the american public, we get to take some of your money and call you a twat.
Well, that's my platform. Now I just need a VP. Anybody interested?
Yup, another complaint post here. I'm sorry, but as of late, I've been given plenty to complain about here. As in, we're moving again for the second time in a year. Yup, I'm currently knee deep in the suck over here. The house isn't bad, but since the housing market is currently in a state of utter fuck-uppery, the only way we can afford living there is to have my Mother's-boyfriend's-mother move in with us.
Oh, and you all remember Andrew, right? He left, I got all weepy and Emo for like a month? Well, we're next-door neihbours now.
Can you FUCKING believe it?
To be completely honest with you guys here, I'm honestly completely confused as to how I feel right now. I mean, I feel ecstatically happy right now, but at the same time, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like something bad's about to happen. Anyways, y'all better prepare for many a weepy, rambling blog posts while I try to figure it out. Consider yourselves warned here.
Anyways, now for something upbeat here. Last night was my brother's birthday party, so we celebrated the only way we know how: Binge Drinking and Keg Stands. I actually did my first ever keg stand last night, and I didn't even throw up. Go me! The only bummer about all this is that when I was lifting a guy up, I got kicked in the eye, and I now have a decently-sized bruise over my eye. And also, my dad drove came home drunk, which I wouldn't totally mind if it wasn't for the fact that he was the one driving. Yeah, my Dad drunk and drove. How the fuck I turned out relatively normal is beyond me.
Today, I was forced to go through the wonderfully awkward proceedings of watching my Dad break up with his girlfriend. Normally, this wouldn't be too bad, if it wasn't for the fact he was doing so to be with his OTHER girlfriend. As in, he was dating two women simultaneously. The fact that, as of yet, I haven't packed my shit up and run off to New York is in itself a fucking miracle.
I talked with Matt about it, as these days, it seems he's one of the few people I can talk to capable of rubbing two brain cells together to light a match. We touched on pretty much every family member available, when I came to the horrid realisation that my family is a member by member replica of the Bluths.
That's right. My life IS Arrested Development.
Don't believe me? Well, my father is an egotistical womanizer, mo mother is manipulative and overly dependent, my older brother is self-absorbed and has false notions of self-entitlement, and my two younger ones are both immature even for their age. And so for me? Obviously, I'm Michael, the only one who actually DOES anything around the house apparently. And I mean BOTH houses here.
Although to be fair, I am Lyndsey sometimes. What can I say? I'm a tramp. I've long ago come to terms with that.
The worst part about all this is that, for the time being, I'm stuck like this. There is no possible way for me to bail on this Titanic. Even if I wanted to, if I ever did leave, the house would turn in to a pit of squalour and dirty hockey bags. So I suppose I can suffer the fools gladly for another two years until my college time is up. Just three more semesters, three more semesters...
Anyways, moving along here, in order for me to avoid the full scale blowup of half my Dad's girlfriends, I went to see Saw V. Don't judge me here, bitches, I only enjoyed it half-heartedly. Was it entertaining? In a way, it was. If the Nightmare on Elm Street Series taught me nothing, it's that gory, cartoony and personalised death sequences does the super-happy-fun-times make, even if I was watching it with my feet curled up onto my chair, and my hands over my eyes when they weren't busy popping Reese's Pieces and Diet Pepsi into my mouth.
My one huge complaint about is that, well, the whole Saw franchise has become pretty paint by numbers, where the whole picture is painted blood red. Imagine that past four Saws, only with different people and different various ways with which to repaint the rooms in mismatched shades of bodily fluid. There's a storyline, sure, but it's so thin you could pretty much cut it with safety scissors. And as for the twist ending? Not so. The conclusion is so blindingly obvious, it's like picking Chi Chi Larue out of a group of Almish folk. No more metaphores, I swear.
Is it worth seeing? Well, if you want to go to the theatres on Halloween, I'd say it's a step above High School Musical 3: Having a Screaming Bitch Fit Until Your Parents Give You Money, though you may as well wait until Zack and Miri Make A Porno if enjoy watching anything woth two shits.
Seriously, I can't be the only one who finds these guys to be boring and pretentious, am I? Yes, I bought the album back when it came out last spring, it's been on my iPod since then. I tried to like them, I really did. Christ almighty, with all the hype these guys got, I thought my iPod would explode out of sheer awesome. But no, all I got was a bunch of preppy ivy league kids singing adequite pop-rock songs. Yes, A-Punk was pretty good, but I don't care.
Prop 8
You know, last time I checked, when you wanted to get married, weren't you supposed to ask one person, instead of, oh I don't know, 36, 553, 215 people? Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong here. I mean really, it's 2008 here, there really is no excuse for people being this stupid. No on Prop 8 people. NO ON PROP 8.
Jensalecki Bashing
If this is wrong, I don't want to be right. Choke on it, Dustin.
Watching people get hurt makes me laugh. Does that make me a terrible person? Yes, yes it does. That being said, before you judge me, watch these videos.
I said I would, so hear it is: The Realtime Review of Katy Perry's "Hot n Cold" video. Just a quick warning, but the next five minutes contains large amounts of waist-high booty shorts and dumbfuckery most foul. Consider yourself warned.
0:11 - Soooo it starts out in a church. Apparently, we havin' a shotgun wedding y'all! At least, I'm assuming so, since obviously, no one in their right mind would voluntarily get hitched to this dumb tramp. Moving along, now...
0:22 - Uuuuuuh-oh! Looks like the groom has cold feet. Wacky hijinx to ensue in 3, 2, 1...
0:32 - His cold feet does not please Katy Perry, and she rolls her eyes just to show how displeased she is with this.
0:40 - Funny how quickly this bitch can go from "So in love" to "I'm gonna tear your balls off and swallow them whole". Hooray fr traditional marriage! No on Prop 8, people.
0:53 - Oh my God, I love how the priest is just kinda leaning over to the side. Leaning: It's like dancing for fat people!
1:08 - The groom finally does the only intelligent thing in the video, and begins running like hell from the crazy Bitch who thinks she's Betty Boop
1:20 - Remember kids, when chasing after people to force them into marrying you, make sure you tear off all your clothes!
1:30 - This scene reminds me of back when I use to watch Family Guy: "Why is there always a fruit stand?"
1:45 - Oh look, the lil hipster kids are offering the groom for Human Sacrifice to their Slutty godesse. Is it just me, or does she look like she's trying to rip off the Webster's Dominatrix?
2:15 - In the space of a minute, Katy has managed to steal a car, get some baseball bats, and assembled a troupe of gilted dancing brides. And you wonder why MTV stopped playing music videos.
2:32 - Well, they've surrounded him now. Get ready for the second most violent circle jerk you've ever seen!
2:45 - "GRAHHHHHH! FEAR US AND OUR WELL CHOREOGRAPHED BIKING!"
3:06 - You know, if you're trying to convince a guy to like you, videophoning him in a state of near suicidal hysterics might not be the best bet, here.
3:17 - Look kids! It's "Ghetto Attention Whore Barbie"! Now on sale at Target for $19.99!
3:35 - KATYS! DANCING KATYS EVERYWHERE! Oh God, this must be what the deepest circle of hell looks like.
3:43 - And just for shits and giggles, let's throw some prostitots hula-hooping in there. Why the fuck not?
4:10 - Ummmmm...So Katy just came in with a zebra, and her ex-fiancee is lying on his back. You know what? It's too easy. I'm just gonna let you guys throw your own jokes in here in the comments.
4:15 - Oh wait, it was all just a dream, and he's still at the church. Don't you just hate when that happens?
4:23 - Oooooo, everyone's leaning in now. You know this shit's about to get REAL!
4:30 - I DO! HE SAID I DO! WE'RE FINALLY RID OF THAT CRAZY BETTY BOOP WANNABE! OH HAPPY DAY!
4:45 - Various festivites, and then tunnel to black. Goodbye five minutes of my life! Not like I could be doing anything better with my time than watching some two-bit prostitot running around on my computer.
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Anybody else want to sign a suicide pact with me? No? Well, watch the video, then come and talk to me.
Well, I caved in and added blogger. I guess it had to happen eventually, huh? This means you can now read about every single meaningless, insignificant event in my dull ass life. Yay?
Oh, and hi to my two new followers, Jamiepants and Julie. Hi guys!
And here's Katy Perry getting a face full of hubris. Eat it bitch!
This made me laugh. Also, plan on reading a severe trashing of the dumb bitch's new video sometime this weekend. I must admit, they're fun to do, even if the videos in question do make me wanna stick forks into my ears. Anyways, until then!
You know what I haven't done in a while? Made fun of videos in a real-time review. And you know who I hate? Fall Out Boy. And do you know who has a new video? Fall Out Boy. You can see where I'm going with this, can't you? Well, for your viewing pleasure, here's the real time review of "I Don't Care".
0:15 - Alrighty, so, the band apparently finished playing to a crowd twelve year-old lobotomy patients who shop at Hot Topic (the only excuse for why there is applause instead of the much more accurate throwing of Molotov Cocktails). A musician with questionable taste in facial hair asks "What the hell happened to rock and roll?" I know this is meant to be ironic, but fuck you, I'm gonna take this at face value.
0:23 - "I've taken shits with bigger rock stars than them!" Excuse me while I go build a time machine so I can go back a thousand years to when this joke didn't completely suck.
0:28 - And now they're onstage, and they're TOTALLY ROCKING OUT!!! That, or they all seem to be suffering from simultaneous seizures. The lines are blurry. And please, all black clothing? Waaaaa, we're misunderstood! Shut your goddamn whinehole, emo.
0:31 - Pixelated mangina in three, two, one and gooooooooooooooooooooo...
0:40 - Oh, snap! The doughy lead singer just pushed over that old guys walker because he DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! Please. Shouldn't you be off somewhere, giggling while people poke you in the stomach?
1:00 - Which is more pretentious and annoying: Pete Wentz or a mime? Hmmmmmmm... Gonna go with Pete on this one. At least mimes can keep their goddamn mouths shut.
1:12 - Oh my God, the Pillsbury Doughboy is totally going up against that creepy old Six Flags Guy! Oh come on, you just know they look alike too.
1:27 - The one who kinda looks like Animal from the Muppets (sorry, Che) just took a lil girls ice cream cone and smashed it on the grounf because he DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! The only thing missing is a pencil moustache he can twirl in his fingers and some rope so he can tie her to the train tracks.
1:50 - Emo Mcshutyourfuckingfacealreadypetewentz and Animal rob a girl busking for quarters. You know what? I love the buskers. They're fucking adorable, and I will destroy anyone who steals from them. Something about the glazed look in their eye and the fact that their breath smells like Jack Daniels that reminds me of home.
2:02 - And now for the only redeeming part of this video: SPAGHETTI CAT! EEEEEE! I love you, Joel McHale!
2:10 - The band is now throwing water balloons at random people. Nice to know they're on the same IQ level as their fans.
2:33 - Gasp. Obvious Paris Hilton reference. Oh wow, not like this hasn't been done to death almost FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO.
2:55 - Oh God, why the fuck do I do this for you people? Can I just skip to the ending? I better get a freaking medal for this.
3:26 - Fake Paris Hilton takes off a mask to reveal that he is in fact... PETE WENTZ! Oh god, I said it once, I'll say it again, people: Pete Wentz has had more pricks in his ass than Barry Bonds.
3:40 - And the Doughy Fat One who sounds like he's six inches dilated is actually Pharell from N.E.R.D. Somewhere out there, M. Night Shyamalamadingdong is having an orgasm. WHAT A TWIST!
3:50 - I'm not even gonna try to guess who this guy is. Somehow, taking off the mask has let him grow six inches in the space of a second. This is completely logical.
4:04 - And who's this guy noOHMYFUCKINGGOD! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
4:09 - Someone has finally knocked the skinny-ass poser right the fuck out. Truly this is a grand day, up there with the destruction of the Berlin Wall and Deep Fried Twinkies.
4:13 - Oh wait, it was actually Spencer's flesh coloured pedo-beard from The Hills. As much as I enjoy seeing him in pain (real or fake), the sheer fact that I'm forced to look at him fills me with Bile.
4:21 - We're back to the opening scene now. Oh look, it's Sarah Palin. Maverick, motherfucker (*takes a shot of drain-o*).
4:26 - Sarah: *wink!* Jeremy: *drain-o!*
Well, there you go, assholes. Other than a two second bit of Spaghetti Cat, there was not a single redeeming feature to this video. At least with that Heidi bitch, there was a kind of self-awareness of the fact that we all hated her. Fall Out Boy seems to be under the delusion that they're actually legitimate Rock Stars, and that a crappy video full of dated jokes somehow makes them relevant. Pass. To quote Toot Braunstein, "HOLY CRAP! THAT SUCKED MY BALLS!"
For those of you brave/stupid enough to wade through it, here's the video. Choke on it, bitches.
Well, what a weekend it's been. To the canadians who read this, hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving! And to the americans, Happy (*snort*) Columbus Day (*snicker*). Anyways, let's go through my weekend, shall we?
Well first off was Pierre's release party for "One Night With Pierre Fitch" at the Skye Restobar. Mind you, I just finished my midterms, so I hadn't had a drink in damn near FOREVER. So to make up for lost time, I decided to get drunk off my ass in the first, oh, say, twenty minutes. One cosmo, two Coke and Rums, Three Jack and Cokes, and one mysterious shot Pierre gave me. I'm stil not sure what was in it, but really, who cares? Anyways, Jeremy Hall showed up, and after getting off the guys from mancandy.com, I stumbled over to introduce myself. All I can say is, THANK GOD for Jeremy Hall, who kept me from falling face first on the floor and who bought me a red bull.
And we kinda made out.
Yeah.
I wasn't going to tell you guys, mostly because I try not kiss and tell, but Pierre kinda let it slip already. Not that I mind, of course. What can I say? I went downstairs to the bathroom, and he was upstairs making sure I was alright and I didn't pass out in the bathroom. Then he pulled me over behind the curtains, and well...
That's all you fuckers are getting. Sorry, but I'm not going into detail. All I can say is, Jeremy was a complete gentleman, and he was incredibly sweet to me.
The day after that was Mom's Thanksgiving, which I had to weather with a pounding headache, and the day after that was Dad's birthday/Thanksgiving. Of course, once again, I was the only one who bothered getting him a gift, so of course, they all signed the card. I mean my God, you know when it is, would it kill you to pick up something? ANYTHING?! Jeebus, we've been doing this for almost twenty years now, and not ONCE have they ever picked up a birthday gift for EITHER parent. Yeesh, what these three would do without me is completely beyond me.
Anyways, that's my weekend. If I can find any pics from the party, I'll steal them and put them up here. Lates, bitches!
(P.S., Matt the Great has another interview up from Roman Heart, which you can read Here. Actually, he sent the questions last night, and Roman answered the day after. Quick huh? Thanks Roman!)
Alright, confession time: I love watching the Food Channel. I just finished my midterms, which consisted of six tests in the space of two days, so I'm currently watching to unwind a little. And I have to admit a certain fondness for Paula Deen. I love her accent, and she actually seems to enjoy cooking, as opposed to the Everyday Italian girl, who seems intent on pushing Feminism back a good thirty years or so. That being said, PAULA DEEN IS TRYING TO FUCKING KILL US. Seriously, I just watched the bitch instruct her audience on how to make Deep-Fried Macaroni wrapped in Bacon (which sounds both delicious, but will probably land you in the big house for a triple-bypass). Considering her taste in cooking, I figured I'd offer her a couple other recipes to try out in the near future.
Bacon Doughnut Cheeseburger Fry a burger patty in bacon fat, sandwich in between two Krispy Kreme dougnuts and top the patty with cheese, bacon and a stick of butter. Afterwards, top the doughnut with chocolate sauce, marshmallows and some whipped cream if you're feeling sassy
Oreo and Mayonnaise Omelet Fry an omelet made of twenty egg yolks in pig lard. Once both sides are grilled, fold over a cup of mayonnaise, a scoop of butter pecan ice cream, and handful of pork rinds. Once rolled, slather it in butter, and cover in crushed oreo cookie pieces.
Fattening Mushy Shit Mix five pounds of flour, five pounds of sugar and five pounds of butter together. Deep fry, then force feed it to the first person you see. Don't stop until he/she stops breathing.
Instant Death Fill a large syringe with melted butter, hot fudge, lard, dishwasher detergent, caramel, mayonnaise and five raw eggs. Inject directly into the heart. Bon Fucking Appetite.
Fanny Packs What do you think is going through someones head when they throw one of these on? "Hmmmmmmm, my gunt isn't that noticable. Maybe if I throw this completely useless lump of fabric on my fupa...oh yeah, that's in no way completely repulsive. Come on kids, get in the minivan! We're going to Walmart to buy some Hannah Motana CDs!" Is it weird that everytime I see one of these, I'm reminded of that fake Tracy Jordan movie from 30 Rock? "You kids better stop...'CAUSE THIS HONKEY GRANDMA BE TRIPPIN'!"
Barebacking
Oh come on, it's 2008 for fuck's sake, haven't we realised that shit like this is the reason why HIV/AIDS is considered a global pandemic? Get your head out of your ass already. There are over 50,000 new cases of HIV per year in the US alone, and your complaining about one freakin' condom? Grow a pair. If you really think safe sex is boring, it's probably because you're doing it wrong. (For a better and sexier argument than mine, you can head over to How I Roll for more info.)
Megan Fox
Don't get me wrong, I don't really have anything against Megan Fox, but then again, I don't have anything for her either. I mean whoopee, you have a great body and you can hand in an average performance. But I mean really, I can't be the only one with Fox Fatigue here, can I? The girl is just so...boring, really. And is it just me, or does she always look like she's been covered in a thin layer of pam? She just has a weird sheen to her, I find.
It's October, and you know what that means! Well, aside from Black & Blue. And the Canadian Thanksgiving. It's Halloween! That magical time of year where you can beg for candy dressed like a total skank and no one will make you feel guilty for it!
But of course, aside from dressing up like a sexy nurse/flight attendent/witch/serial arsonist, it's also a pretty easy excuse to go on a horror flick binge. So in honour of Halloween, here are the ten movies you have to watch for Halloween.
10. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
Or as I like to call it, "The Peanuts special where Linus fucks up and ensures that he'll die a virgin". Seriously, the poor kid had to deliver one of the most well known dialogues in the history of Christmas just to make up for this clusterfuck. The Great Pumpkin?! Really? Sweet merciful Godtopus. And for that matter, who the fuck gives out rocks on Halloween? The parents in this town are total assholes.
9. Halloween
This is kind of a given, isn't it? And of course, I'm talking about the ORIGINAL Halloween, not the forgetably Rob Zombie remake. Sure, the name of Michael Meyers may be ruined thanks to Mike Meyers and his knack for making completely shit movies, but he's still creepy as fuck.
8. The Blair Witch Project
With Cloverfield no longer topical and the likely soon to flop Quarantine coming out, it's nice to look back at where the fourth wall first got it's ass handed back to it. Compared to the new generation of horror, where movies are only scary if they feature one of the characters drinking an intestine smoothie, it's good to look back on subtlty. Remember subtlty? It's dead now.
7. The Excorcist
This is why I'm getting a v-sec. No child of mine is getting demonically possessed. Fuck that shit. But yeah, Linda Blair freaked my shit out. Seriously, did you SEE how far around her head can go? And the puke! Holy shit, I do not want to deal with that.
6. Scream
Something I should probably tell you right now: I grew up on movies from the 90's. I love 90's movies. And I love Scream. What can I say? It was the first horro movie to realise how stupid it was. And you know what? It was pretty good!
5. Final Destination
Oh my Godtopus, did I ever love this movie. Take a bunch of teens,have them avoid horrible accident, then have death pick them off in the most cartoony way available. Sure, it's repetitive as hell, but a shit-ton of fun.
4. Friday the 13th
I've never been to summer camp. My kids (knock on wood) will not go to summer camp. And assuming the world hasn't been overrun by zombies, my grandkids aren't going to summer camp. You know why? Because the counselors are idiots who let children drown and routinely get killed off by old people while having sex. Also, Kevin Bacon goes there. So yeah, it's not happening.
3. Nightmare on Elm Street
I know everyone falls between team Freddy and team Jason, but I have to side with Freddy on this one. Sure, he wears a Christmas sweater, but have you seen his kills? Each one is tailor made to fit each person's vice. Now THAT's just good business. The original still stands as the best, though if you can throw the third one in for good measure. And while you're at it, you might as well watch the second too. The second movie was GAY GAY GAY. Get on it.
2. Night of the Living Dead
ZOMBIES. IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT GODDAMN ZOMBIES. This is pretty much required viewing if you plan on living through the Zombie Apocalypse. This is one of the first and arguably the best zombie movie ever made.
1. Everything Tim Burton Ever Made
Nightmare Before Christmas. Edward Scissorhands. Corpse Bride. Sweeney Todd. Mars Attacks! And of course, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Enough said.
Hello, I'm Jeremy Feist, and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. For now, I'm juggling my family, my life, and my new career as the world's most unlikely gay porn star. It's complicated.
