Monday, December 15, 2008

The 20 Biggest Douchebags of 2008, Part 2: 10-1

Today, Stacey linked to Part 1, saying: "Damn Jerms, save something for Part II, will ya? Using all the best douchebags in the first half of the list? Rookie mistake." Well, Stacey, never doubt people's ability to be truly, truly awful. Don't believe me? Read on...

10. Katy Perry

Remember that girl at parties who gets drunk, smokes the wrong end of a cigarette, makes out with a poster of Orlando Bloom, then collapses in the drive way in a puddle of her own puke? Give her a recording contract and you have Katy Perry, who spent a good year ripping off Zooey Deschanel's look, spouting off random shit to anyone who would listen and trying way to her hard to be sexy. I'm sure we'll be seeing mor of her next year, when she's pissing on Bettie Page's grave.

9. Elizabeth Hasselbeck

With Rosie gone, the title of "Most Completely and Totally Out Of Their Fucking Skull" went to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and boy did she fulfill her duties. The only thing funnier than how completely off her shit she'll go over anyone disagreeing with her is the fact that her only notable achievement before the show was being kicked off of Survivor.

8. The Hogans

As much as I complain about my family, I thank Godtopus every freaking day that at least I'm not a Hogan. Following son Nick's DUI which landed a friend in hospital, where he's currently brain dead and MISSING HALF OF HIS GODDAMN HEAD. The not completely horrible thing to do would be to do all you can to help the victim's family, but nope. Daddy Hogan said God wanted him in a coma "to make him a better person", Momma Hogan started dating a guy one third her age, and Nick and Brooke went around showing how falsely self-entitled they were. Funny how the entire family combined still has less brain cells than a guy missing half his skull.

7. Sarah Palin & Joe Biden
I was actually pretty optimistic about the elections before these two showed up. Both the Democrats and the Republicans chose what are arguably their best candidates, so I figured after the clusterfuck that was the primaries, we might actually get some civilized campaigning. And then these two showed up, and it all went to hell. Really? You both could have chosen anyone, and you chose the shopaholic, helicopter-hunting Barbie and the guy who couldn't string together a single sentence without shoving his foot so far down his throat he pooped a shoe? You betcha!

6. Prop 8 Supporters

Yeah, in all honesty, 2008 was really not a good year for us. It looked vaguely promising at first with The Supreme Court giving us the okay to marry in California. But of course, people are Douchebags. Enter Prop 8, the first of its kind to actually TAKE AWAY given rights. But it gets worse: in order for it to pass, supporters used every bullshit scare tactic in the book to convince people we were going to rape their children and marry their dogs. And of course, it gets even worse: People bought it. Yup, just goes to show, people really, truly are pretty horrible.

5. Fred Phelps
As head of the First Family of Crazycakes, Fred Phelps and his clan of wacky relatives tried to picket everything from the crazy asshat who beheaded a guy on a bus, to Heath Ledger's funeral. Honestly, they actually ASKED for an invitation, saying that Heath wanted them there. But all in all, you have to give them credit where credit is due. They stripped homophobia of its PC coating and showed it for what it really was: Hate, plain and simple.

4. Sally Kern
I could go on about how this bitch is obviously nutters, how she twice carried a loaded gun into the Oklahoma State Capital Building, and how back-asswards she is about society, but to use fancy lawyer speak, res ipsa loquiter, motherfucker:

"Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. So it's the death knell of this country. I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam — which I think is a big threat, okay? Cause what's happening now is they are going after, in schools, two-year olds...And this stuff is deadly, and it's spreading, and it will destroy our young people, it will destroy this nation."
-Sally Kern, Member of Oklahoma House of Representatives, Crazy-ass Cuntnugget

And just to rub it in, here's everyones other favourite lesbian (Cheers, Rachel Maddow!) literally calling her out on it.

3. Eliot Spitzer
Let's get one thing straight: Prostitutes are people too, they're providing a service just like everyone else, and if what they do makes people happy, then it's a legitimate job. However, people who publicly condemn prostitutes, then spend $80,000 worth of tax-payers money are gigantic fucking tools.

2. John Edwards
He probably could have made the list based on expensive, Ken Doll hair cuts and
having the same name as The Biggest Douche In The Universe. But he makes it all the way to number two for this sparkling jem of fucktardedness: He cheated on his wife, who has breast cancer, while he was campaigning to be the president of the United States of America. His excuse: SHE WAS IN REMISSION. Really? Nice job, asshat. Now, are you all ready to see who douched their way to Number 1?

1. Rod Blagojevich
That's right! In the space of a week, Rod Blagojevich has been douched it up harder than any of the assholes above him! He plotted to sell Barack Obama's senate seat! He tried to have the editors of the Chicago Tribune fired! He even tried to extort money from a CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is The Triple Fucking Lindy Of Douchebaggery!

Yes, for showing us how truly, God-awfully, Soul-Rottingly terrible people can be, Rod Blagojevich, you are THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG OF 2008!


meaux said...

Oh good grief, Edwards' excuse was "She was in remission"?

And why do I picture him delivering that line as Ross from Friends..."We were on a break!"

Matt the Great! said...

Good job again! You nailed it. I completely agree.

Robert said...

You forgot George W! Bugger that Iraqi reporter missed him by that much!

Drake said...

Great list Jeremy. Now I need to go listen to some Mozart to remember why all humankind shouldn't be wiped out by some emotionless alien.

TK said...

Jeremy, you know I love ya, but I just can't agree. Fred Phelps should be on the top of every list, every time, every year. No questions.

MelodyLane said...

I hate Fred Phelps. The bastard came into my state/city to protest the funeral of our state Democratic party chairman who was shot by a crazy pants man.

Fred Phelps is the king of asshats. Blag-whatever-ovich is an idiot.

You did a very nice job dear.

Meaux, his excuse was exactly that. Lovely guy ain't he?

Jeremy Feist said...

Meaux: I shit you not, that was his excuse. I know, what a dickhead. Is there some unwritten rule that says that everyone named John Edwards has to be a colossal fuckoff?

Matt: Thanks Matt! Great minds think alike. Pun not intended.

Robert: Nah, I think GWB has kinda bought himself onto the all-timer list. Plus, at this point it just feels to easy. Like fishing with Dynamite in a barrel.

Drake: I listened to Santogold, which has convinced me that all of humankind should not be wiped out. Because Santogold is the tits.

TK & Melody: It would have been very easy to put him on top, but at the same time, he's been doing this stupid sit for years. He's a consistent Douchebag, but in all honesty he's been rather quite this year. Honestly, at this point, you could douse him in gasoline, light him on fire, and I could sit back and watch the life drain out of his eyes with a smile on my face. But still, it's the same thing he's been doing for years, so the reason he's been surpassed is because those acts are somewhat more unique and special. It's really just a formality.

Audrey said...

No Michael Phelps in the Top 20? As far as I'm concerned, he's King Douchebag.