Friday, December 12, 2008

Boys Who Like Boys Who Like Joysticks

I was thinking about this one all day at work for some reason. The top 10 video game characters you never thought were gay, but probably are.

5. Zelda

Why You Probably Never Noticed: To put it bluntly, Zelda is in what can only be described as the gayest video game series ever. Seriously, the hero is a blond twink in a tunic! And don't get me started on Tingle.

Know How I Know You're Gay?: In order to talk to Link during Ocarina of Time, she disguises herself as Sheik. Sheik is a guy. She could have disguised herself as a woman, but maybe this is her way of matching her outside with who she is on the inside. You go, man!

4. Captain Falcon

Why You Probably Never Noticed: Come on, he's Captain Falcon! He's the manliest man whoever maned into a man video game! MAAAAAAAAN!

Know How I Know You're Gay?: Two words: Bat Nipples. Yup, that swanky racing gear comes with little circles where his areolas should be. Not to mention the ascot. If my Hanky Code reading is correct, he's a piss queen. And it also doesn't help that he's named after a gay porn studio.

3. Tyson Rios and Elliot Salem

Why You Probably Never Noticed: Because you never played Army of Two. Not that I blame you, that game kinda sucked it hard. Even then, they're just two guys wearing way too much armour and giving each other fist bumps after slaughtering massive amounts of people. Nothing gay about that, right?

Know How I Know You're Gay?: It is. It's REALLY gay. Have you ever seen those Frat boys who are so obviously gay for each other, but they act all macho to hide it? Seriously, they act like a married couple, assuming you gave a married couple guns. Hell, they even parachute in tandum, which really just looks like midair buttsex.

2. Luigi

Why You Probably Never Noticed: Because it's always Mario, Mario, Mario, never Luigi. Seriously, poor guy is like the Jan Brady of Video Games. He's had all of two video games, and one of them was an infotainment game.

Know How I Know You're Gay?: In his first truly legitimate game (infotainment is not, nor will it ever be, entertainment), his main weapon is a freaking vaccuum cleaner. And in Smash Bros, he has a tendency to spontaneously combust, becoming a flaming missile...of FABULOUSNESS! Although I may just be stretching. I want Luigi on our team, dammit!

1. Banjo

Why You Probably Never Noticed: Well for starters, he's a cartoon bear. And it doesn't really help that, thanks to Rare's split with Nintendo, they haven't been in a game in eight years.

Know How I Know You're Gay?: Believe me when I say, the evidence is SUBSTANTIAL. He's a bear, the only thing he wears is a pair of bright yellow short-shorts and a tasteful necklace, and his best friend is a sassy, brightly-coloured bird-girl. And come on, he's a BEAR. If he were real (and, you know, human), he's probably have signed a contract with Raging Stallion by now.


Matt the Great! said...

OMG, you are so right about every one of them. Tingle, um, don't we know him? HAHA

Good job!

Rusty said...

I thought Zelda got pretty well lampooned by the extraordinarily gay "Zander" on "Drawn Together" but since like, six people watched that show I guess it doesn't matter.

Robert said...

Hysterical! Now I am off to get off on my PS3 lol!
x Robert
PS love the music man.

Drew said...

I'm with you in general, but less so on the Zelda part. Yes, it's a mystery as to how her chest vanishes in the transition to Sheik, but I'm guessing it has something to do with all that body wrapping she's wearing beneath her outfit. As for the deeper voice, I think she's just playing the part. In short, until Sheik whips it out on screen, I'm assuming that the alternate persona is just a pretty lady trying her best to look less girly.