Friday, December 5, 2008

The Memory Of Our Sacred So And So

Alright, so I started working on getting gifts for everyone in my family and friends. Which is more than a little difficult since last year I got both sets of parents a cappuccino maker, and I got my brothers an Xbox 360, which I saved for MONTHS to afford. This year, however, since I spent all my goddamn money on "my" car, let's just say that everyone will be getting something...smaller.

I started off by going to Chapters to get some books for my mother and her boy-toy. Matt's trying to get me to be more assertive, so I decided to test it out by asking one of the clerks what she might recommend.

It took everything I had not to rip the book out of her hands and beat her with it. If one more person tells me to read Twilight, I swear to Godtopus I'll eat my own ass. And not in the fun way either, I mean I will literally digest pieces of my own ass.

Anyways, I asked her if she had anything that didn't completely suck. We went on one of those little computer kiosks they have littered all over the place and five minutes later, I've got a copy of Diablo Cody's Candy Girl. Now my mother isn't one of those serious readers, although I did lend her The Time Traveller's Wife, and she loved that, so she's not completely beyond help. So i figured, she loved Juno, therefore, she wuld like this, and it would help her out when I, ummm...well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there, really.

I also picked up Men With Balls (Thanks, Dustin!) for Mom's boy-toy. It's about football, although I'm not entirely sure how well he'll take getting a book called "Men With Balls" from his girlfriend's gay son. Mind you, he's very open minded, but he also thought my skull tattoo was a penis, so there's no telling how he'll interpret this one.

I also decided to get my brothers a new fish for Christmas, since Mr. Fish is no longer with us. If you'd like to suggest a name for the fish, fell free to leave it in the comments. Dad isn't exactly the smartest being on two legs, so I figured I would get him Wanted, since it has enough violence and boobage to appease him, and if Dustin's review is any indication, it won't make me wish for forks to become animate and jump into my eyes.

I also decided to get something for Pierre and Matt. I've already figured out what to get for Matt (but i'm not saying anything, because he might be reading this for all I know), but what the fuck am I supposed to get Pierre? Seriously, he has freaking EVERYTHING, what the crap can I get him that doesn't involve taking out a loan? And no, I am not getting him a sex toy. It's too obvious, and I imagine it would be akin to getting someone a toaster as a housewarming gift: It's nice, but there's no thought to it, and you already have like three of them and you would just end up taking it back to the store except then you find out they have a no return policy and you argue with the manager for thirty minutes until he agrees to give you store credit which is TOTAL CRAP because I don't need anything from this crap shack are you high, I mean come on...whoops, kinda let that one get out of hand, huh?

Point is, I have no idea what to get him. You can leave a suggestion for that in the comments too. But no gift cards. The idea of buying a gift card just seems wrong to the shopaholic in me.

Anyways, to lead you out, hears TV On The Radio with Family Tree. Snootches.


David said...


Name the fish Samuel L. Jackson.

Get Pierre a Skip-It.

I doubt he has that.

I'd like a pony.

Robert said...

Oh I can't beat David's Skip it with a counter for Pierre other than perhaps you could get him a boyfriend for Christmas.
And from you I just want your respect - in the morning! lol

Sarah said...

What kind of fish is it? And what kind of tank do you have it in? I have tons of fish. No, seriously, I have, like, a bunch of fish tanks. I love fish. It's possible you might not want to talk to me about fish, because you will probably get about 815% more information than you're really looking for. But, you know, if inundation is your scene, call me!

Jeremy Feist said...

David: Seems kinda random, unless it's a reference to the whole "OH SHIT MOTHERFUCKER SAMUEL L. JACKSON JUST GOT EATEN BY GIANT MOTHERFUCKING SHARK OH FUCK" thing. And skip-its were AWESOME, although Pierre is a boxer, so unless we lit the the rope part on fire, it might not hold his interest for too long.

Robert: Good idea, although it would be kind of hard to find someone up to Pierre's standards. And even then, there's that thing with the wapping and if he's be willing to go without food, water or air until Christmas. Apparently, some people need those things, the greedy bastards!

Sarah: Actually, this is a rather lazy gift, since we already have a fishbowl and everything we need to care for it. It's probably gonna be one of those Japanese Fighting Fish, which we've been getting since I was like twelve, although any information you can give me to keep the poor bloke from dying an early death would be wonderful, thank you.

Sarah said...

Well, Step #1: Throw out the fish bowl. Preferably smash it first. Fish bowls make good candy dishes, but a habitat for a living thing? Not so much.

Step #2: If you mean a Siamese Fighting Fish, which is actually a Betta, then I'd recommend a 5g tank. You could get away with a 2.5g if you really want to keep it small, but you need to be extra diligent about maintenance. It will need a filter, because it's just nasty keeping a fish without a filter, and you'll be lucky if they live a year without one. Bettas also need a heater, because I don't care WHAT people tell you, they're tropical fish and they need the heat. If you don't want a heater you could get a Paradise Fish, which is a coldwater relative of the Betta, but they need more space (preferably 10g or larger).

If you really don't want anything bigger than a 5g, you actually still have some options besides just a Betta. Send me an email or text me or something if you want me to keep babbling about it.