Sunday, December 14, 2008

The 20 Biggest Douchebags of 2008, Part 1: 20-11

20. ABC

It takes a lot to wrestle the crown of douchebaggery away from Fox, but congrats to ABC on pulling it off! In one year, you've cancelled Pushing Daisies and Dirty Sexy Money, kept Private Practice and According To Jim on the air, and fired a cast member on Grey's Anatomy for playing gay. Way to ruin television, jackoffs.

19. Purity Ring Wearers

First off, scientific studies have already shown that abstinence-only programs only increase rates of unsafe-sex, and have very little realistic or healthy impact on attitudes toward sex (Google it if you doubt it). Second, there are few people more self-important and up their own ass than people who wear these. Case in point:

But she's right: it isn't wrong to wear a promise ring. It IS, however, bad to be a pretentious, self-righteous cunt about it. Considering her attitude, I wouldn't be surprised if she remains a virgin until death.

18. Katherine Heigl

Here's to you, Skank Cancer, on another year of rainbow killing, puppy eating, chain smoking and hand biting, ya friggin' dickhead!

17. Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

You gotta hand it to them: never has there been such a strong argument against Darwinism than these two. How neither of them haven't died in a horrific, stupidity-related accident is a mystery on par with The Bermuda Triangle, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop.

16. Stephanie Meyers

I'll level with you here: I never read through a single one of these books. I got through twenty pages of Twilight, only to close it back up, throw it in the fireplace, and curl up in the fetal position. I can honestly say that I've never read through such a disastrously written book. And I've read The Da Vinci Code, for eff's sake!

15. Miley Cyrus

Remember that bitchy girl from high school who had her daddy buy her everyting she wanted and fucked anything with two legs and a schlong? Imagine her as a celebrity, and you got Miley Cyrus. So here's to you, Miley, and all your backwoods, nude photo taking, Selina Gomez and Demi Lovato bashing fabulousness!

14. Prioleau Alexander

A while back, Sarah did a review of his book, You Want Fries With That? for Pajiba. Now, the site advertises itself as "Scathing Reviews For Bitchy People", so you have to figure what you're getting into here. So of course, it wasn't exactly glowing. Now, he could have taken the whole thing in stride, been a good sport about it, and taken the review for what it was: subjective opinion meant to express a well-thought out view point. But no, he threw a hissy fit, and Sarah got over 35 calls, in which she was threatened, and told strangled, run over in a humvee, and sodomized with a shotgun. Maybe if you learned to laugh at yourself, you would be able to write better humour.

13. The Ladies of Jezebel, Tracie Egan & Moe Tkacik (And Lizz Winstead)

There's a fine line between being subversive and just being an idiot. Case in point: The Jezebel girls' appearance on Lizz Winstead's Thinkin' and Drinkin', where they extolled these Feminist jems:

Tracie: "...I know it's an irresponsible thing to day, but it's (Pulling Out) The Most Fun Way Not To Get Pregnant"

Or how about this one:

Moe: "I guess third guy, I ever had sex with, date raped me, and I got very mad at him, but I wasn't gonna fucking like turn him in to the police and fucking go through shit..

Lizz interrupts: "Why not, you see that's the problem, why not, I am just curious?"

Moe: Because it was a load of trouble and I had better things to do, like drinking more."

Sex is a part of being a woman, but the way they discuss it makes me think that these girls may be little more than Chauvinists in Women's clothing.

[Update (7:56, December 14th): Alright, thanks to Pants for the second story. What Winstead may have been rather baiting and reprehensible, but fact of the matter is, Moe and Tracie are role models for young women. They should have known better than to wander on stage as drunk as they were (I find a slight buzz usually puts me at ease for debate) and talk about such a weighted topic in such a state. Although to be fair, Winstead knew they were in no position to give a lucid, valid argument. With this information, I've decided to add Lizz Winstead in with them at #13, for inciting a petty, juvenile catfight.]

12. Sean Avery

How can someone so hot be such a douche? I never actually watch hockey (unless The Canadians look like they might win The Cup), but even I know that when they actually have to create a rule over some dick move you pulled on the ice, you've fucked up. And just to top that one, he recently approached some reporters and referred to his ex-girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert as "Sloppy Seconds". As you can see, there's a reason why he's a hockey player and not a writer.

11. Tila Tequila

Jeebus, I really do hate Tila Tequila. It's bad enough that she's worming her way through the interwebs, but I also have to sit through the dreck she shovels onto us on MTV (3 brothers, one TV, do the math). Why anyone would give a fake-bisexual woman her own show in a just universe is beyond me, so I can only conclude that this is, in fact, one fucked up universe.

(Tune in tomorrow for Part 2, where the ten biggest douches of '08 will be revealed!)


Matt the Great! said...

Damn, you were dead-on with this one. Maybe after part 2 you can post some honorable mentions :)


Pants said...

Great list, although I feel you might be a bit harsh on Tracie Egan & Moe Tkacik. What they said was obtuse and incredibly stupid, but I don't feel they really deserved that big of a beating. Of course it doesn't help that those girls know how to dish it out themselves, but still...

Pants said...

Hmm, I think I have to break the link up in order for it to be readable...



meaux said...

Great list--looking forward to seeing the Top 10! Man, I wouldn't have guessed that 10 people more annoying than Tila Tequila actually exist....

Jeremy Feist said...

Matt: Why thank you! And just to let you all know, I'm currently accepting noms for DIShonourable mentions. Kudos to Matt for the idea.

Pants: Thanks for the heads up, my luv. I've decided to add Lizz, since what she did, in my mind, though understandable wasn't very professional.

Meaux: Believe me, Momo, there are people far worse than she. Tila is annoying, but the Top 10 is more about being just flat out horrible human beings rather than just annoying. Although there is a certain fake-bisexual up there...

Rusty said...

Honestly, I do understand where Moe's coming from. Rape convictions, particularly for acquaintance rape, are appallingly low, and everything and everyone in your sexual history gets turned over and examined by the police, your lawyer, their lawyer, a judge, a jury, and anyone else who happens to be in the courtroom at the time. Nevermind if your local newspaper or television affiliate decides to take an interest in the case. The best outcome you can hope for is that the scumbag goes to jail after you've been torn apart and humiliated in front of all of those people. At worst (and far more likely), you've been torn apart and humiliated in front of all those people and he goes free, lending credence to the idea that you're just a lying slut.

According to RAINN, only 6% of rapists ever serve jail time, and since it's estimated that 60% of rapes go unreported (see above for why) that number is probably lower. I can understand why a rape victim would choose to work on rebuilding their life rather than putting themselves through the emotional trauma of a rape case.

Of course, Moe definitely could have expressed herself better.

Jeremy Feist said...

Rusty: I can't say I've ever been raped, so I don't knoe what any part of it is like, so I won't fault her for not going to the authorities, since the legal system, especially on women's rights, is for the most part of fucked up. I'm just saying, she could have used that to better inform women. She could have said what you said, but instead, she made it sound like one big joke. Then again, shame on Lizz for bringing it up in Moe's state. All I'm saying is, maybe Lizz should focus less on the drinkin' and more on the thinkin'.

CantoErgoSum said...

Madonna's getting pretty douchey lately. I worship her and her fierceness but she needs to PUT HER VAGINA AWAY and ditch the 13-year-old rock climber/tranny look, stop the organic panic bullshit, and look like a PERSON again.

Tom Cruise, because, well... yeah.

Kanye West... voice of this generation my classically-trained ass. What a tool. His whole album is the same damn gimmicky beat. And that flashing heart pin?

ANYONE from The Hills, the new 90210 (DEATH TO THEM), or Twilight. Seriously.

I do agree with the Katherine Heigl one. Damn, I was so disappointed to find out she's such a heartless bitch. She came off so cool and laid back in Knocked Up.