Sunday, January 3, 2010

Dear Science

You suck.

Sorry, that wasn't very well explained at all, was it? Let me try that again...

You REALLY suck. Suck suck suck suck suck. If there was a prize for sucking, you'd suck it into the big, gaping hole of suck that you are. Wear you're sucky crown with sucky pride, Mr. Suck.

Here's the thing: It's 2010. We're so far into the new millennium that we don't even have consecutive zeros anymore. And you know what? We don't have any of the totally bitchin' gadgets you said we would have. We don't have cures for HIV or Cancer, we don't have flying cars that run on water, and robot monkey butlers? Don't even get me started.

And worst of all? We STILL don't have free downloadable pizza. I mean really, it's not that hard. You go on the internet. You go to You download your free delicious pizza. You eat your free delicious pizza. It's not that hard! Mind you, pizzas are disks, and the internet is a series of tubes (If you happen to be an Alaskan Senator charged with making false statements concerning gifts received from VECO Corporation, but that's neither here nor there.) That can make free downloadable pizza distribution difficult. The solution is simple: Just roll it up into a little tube and then you can just put it online. Come on, science, you guys need to get on that shit yo.

But here's the thing: You can't just say you're going to be giving someone something really cool and then just not follow through, completely ditching them without a reason. Because that's a totally dick move. You guys have totally just been slacking off. You guys dropped the ball on this one. Run some laps and think about how much you guys totally failed.

I mean really, do you know how much cool shit from 2001: A Space Odyssey we have? None of it. And that was theoretically nine years ago! What the crap? You know what we have instead?

Seriously, this is like promising someone to take them out for lunch, then running them over with a pizza delivery truck; I can see how you might see a connection between the two, but you're still a total D-Bag who didn't fulfill their promise.

Point is, Science, you shit the bed on this one. I expect a full apology and my free downloadable internet pizza by tomorrow morning. And if I don't have either one of those things, I'm gonna gaysex your mom.


In your bed.

Also, I will kill this cat.

Consider this a warning.

Xox, Jeremy Feist


Anonymous said...

This made me laugh. Great post :)

James said...

Why harm the cat? Not called for. Gaysex my mom all you want but leave the cat alone.

Gemma said...

Are you sure about the gay thing? Otherwise I would so marry you, it's like we're soulmates! This is what I've been telling everybody the last couple of days, but replace the downloadable pizza's with the flying skateboards in Back to the future 2.

I downloaded some of the moveies you gave awards to, they were really good. Also I stole your joke about Spencer Pratt and Tila Tequila's douchy love child, my friends now think I'm funnier than I was in 2009 and have good taste in movies. So thanks!