Sunday, January 17, 2010

Jeremy Feist Eats A Hat, And Other Golden Globes Moments

8:00 - Ricky Gervais is onstage, and GASP. He's making fun of the American version of The Office! Yes, we get it Ricky, Steve stole your thunder. Boo freakin' hoo. Also, does Ricky Gervais remind anyone else of a grownup version of Bat Boy?
8:05 - Call it people: We have our first Jay Leno joke. Wow, only five minutes? Did that seem kinda short to anyone else? Oh well, Nicole Kidman is out now, wearing a ribbon you can barely seen so that the nominees can feel like they've actually done something worthwhile with their lives. Way to make a difference!

8:06 - Mo'Nique, to the surprise of absolutely no one has picked up the first award of the evening. Apparently, Mariah Carey never quite learned to clap. Poor girl looks like she's about to pull a cranial hernia slapping one hand against the other.

8:10 - We are now moving onto Best Actress in a TV Series. No jokes, no stilted jokes between the presenters, just going right into it. Apparently, they're worried that at any given moment Jeff Zucker will burst into the room and have them all moved back to 12:05.

8:13 - Toni Collette won for United States of Tara, because of fucking course she did. No offense, but if it's a Diablo Cody vehicle that is NOT Juno, my give-a-shit-o-meter runs pretty low.

8:18 - Best supporting Actor in a TV series goes to John Lithgow, who I actually thought died after 3rd Rock from the Sun. I would make a joke saying "It was just his career", but considering he just picked up a trophy, I can't exactly use that one anymore. Also, poor Michael C. Hall...I know he's in remission, but seriously? Cancer smells and has fat ankles.

8:20 - Paul McCartney is out to present an award for Best Animated Theater, and God help me, the man could charm the bitchface off of Gwyneth Paltrow.

8:22 - Ummmmm...gasp? Pixar won another award. In related news, the Earth continues to revolve around the sun, chocolate is still delicious, and Tila Tequila's vagina can still be used to house the entire Duggar family.

8:28 - Kate Hudson, who is a great rom-com actress but absolute shit in everything else that isn't Almost Famous, is here to pimp out Nine....And it's over. Moving on!

8:30 - Felicity Huffman is here to give a speech about how The Golden Globes staff is compromised entirely by angels who feed the homeless and sing orphans to sleep. And she fucked up ROY. ALL. EE. Yowza.

8:32 - Neil Patrick Harris and Jane Krakowski are onstage and are so far proving to be the only watchable parts of the show. Well, that and Michael C. Hall finally winning a long-awaited award for Decter. Seriously, Golden Globes? Took you fucking long enough, you fucking assholes.

8:36 - Aaaaaaaaaand moving right along to Best Actress in a Dramatic TV Series. Seriously, they're probably backstage just going "You know what? Fuck it. Let's wrap this up before NBC fires us". Also, who is this woman and what in God's name is she wearing? She looks like the top of her dress is made out of red masking tape. Although I do give her props for one very subtle jab at NBC. Nice job.

8:42 - Harrison Ford is onstage, looking crotchety as hell. Honestly, he sounds like the old guy who yells at you to get off his lawn.

8:44 - Cher is seriously rocking the Morticia Adams get up, while Christina Aguilera looks like she was just hit by a truck carrying cotton candy and sluttiness.

8:46 - Crazy Heart just won for best song, so, you know, yay for them. I bet a certain Miss Beckyloo must be quite happy right now. Score one for you, doll.

8:48 - Karen O did not win for best score. Therefore, this awards show is stupid and whorish and has no friends. Fuck you Golden Globes. You suck donkey chode.

8:56 - Grey Gardens won for something or another and oh my god who even gives a shit? For a category I honestly couldn't care any less about, these people will just not stop talking.

8:58 - Here's Tom Hanks going on about Julie & Julia, A.K.A. Meryl Streep in two hours of food porn.

9:00 - Colin Farrell is onstage to give out the award for Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical, and it's taking every ounce of willpower not to assault my television screen with my penis. Anyway, Meryl Streep and her two hours of food porn wins it, which saves me from having to eat a delicious piece of hat. And of course, she's charming as hell and she's making me laugh my ass off.

9:09 - Ho. Lee. SHIT. Seriously, Helen Mirren has got it going on in ALL the right places. Girl's got more curves than a winding road. Rrrrrrrrrowr.

9:11 - Sam Worthington is onstage, and once again I am poking my TV with my boner.

9:14 - Drew Barrymore won an award, and why the fuck does she have what appears to be a giant pipe cleaner on her shoulder? Oh who am I kidding, she's gorgeous and I love her. Take notes Lindsay; It's not too late.

9:21 - The announcer guy just said the words "The star of Shrek Fourever After", and I just tried to kill myself. There is no God.

9:23 - Here comes Racel from Friends and that bloke from 300. Oh God, if I have to watch King Leonidas in an on-again/off-again relationship, someone is getting shanked. Also, Gerard Butler needs to fuck me already.

9:26 - Oh joy, Ashton Kutcher is onstage. I thought we banished this asshole to the internet? Wasn't he sacrificed to the Fail Whale? Oh well, Alec wins, although kudos to him for blowing off the Globes for a charity event, and Maggie Gyllenhaal looks pretty goddamn amazing.

9:32 - Samuel L. Jackson (The biggest badass on the face of the earth) is here to talk about the most badass film of the year (Inglourious Basterds).

9:33 - Sophia Loren ladies and gentlemen. What's with the bad glasses? They look like something even Elton John wouldn't wear.

9:35 - A film you didn't watch won an award you don't care about. What do you want from me, this thing is moving so fast my fingers are cramping.

9:38 - Amy Poehler and Zachary Levi are onstage to give out the award for Best Television Drama and to ensure that Zachary Levi will never again know the touch of a woman. Or a man for that matter. Mad Men wins it because Jon Hamm's jaw/Christina Hendricks' boobies are in it and because rich white people love Mad Men.

9:45 - Next onstage: Taylor Lautner, who is far too hot to be 17. To be fair, he'll be 18 in less than a month, but I still feel kinda weird for finding him attractive. Ew. Anyway, he presents (500) Days of Summer, which I love more than life itself.

9:47 - The award for Best Supporting Actress in a TV series goes to...WHAT THE FUCK?! CHLOE SEVIGNEY? You know what? Fuck it. Meet me at Camera Three, Golden Globes.
...Her? Realy? Jane Adams was easily the most vicious, brutally hilarious woman on television, and you gave it to the woman wearing a giant Maxi Pad? Nuh-uh. No. You do not do that because that is fucking STUPID. Seriously, all of you need to just jump off the tallest building you can find. Soon.

9:50 - Christopher Waltz and his many flawless accents wins Best Supporting Actor. Nice to see that Swastika on his head healed up in time for the show.

9:56 - Robert Deniro and Leonardo DiCaprio are here to give the Cecil B. Demille Award and oh my God, they're discussing his sex with a film roll. I just puked all over the fucking place. Anyway, from here on out it's pretty much going to be the closest thing to a reach-around the HFP will ever air, so settle in.

10:15 -Alright, we seem to be back now. And here's Mel Gibson, who looks AND sounds massively drunk right now. If this surprises you, you might be surprised that fire is hot and can burn you alive. Go ahead, try it out now. Anyway, James Cameron wins best Director for a movie that was 95% CGI because of fucking course he did.

10:20 - I know I should be aware of who exactly the fuck Olivia Wilde is, but honestly? Who the fuck is this bitch? Anyway, Glee won Best TV Comedy or Musical, which makes me ridonkulously happy. I love 30 Rock as much as the next guy, but Mark Salling totally makes me pop a stiffy.

10:25 - Hear to present The Hangover is, appropriately, the case of The Hangover...Only instead of Zach Galifianakis, we have Mike Tyson for some reason. Sure, why not. At least Tyson is easier to spell the Galifianakis.

10:27 - Reese Witherspoon is presenting the award for Best Movie - Musical or Comedy and it goes to...The Hangover? Really? Fuck man, I liked it as much as the next guy, but saying The Hangover is better than (500) Days of Summer is like saying that Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive; I can see where you might get the idea, but you're still a fucking idiot.

10:34 - When the fuck did the Governator win a Golden Globe? Was it for Jingle All The Way? Also, we're two and a half hours in and Mariah Carey still hasn't figured out how to clap. Seriously, ever see someone embarrass themselves so badly that YOU actually start to feel embarrassed for them? And then you sort of cringe visibly? Exactly.

10:36 - I said on Twitter that if Sandra Bullock won I would eat my hat...

10:39 - Still trying to get the taste of fabric out of my mouth. The Golden Globe for the Best Actor (Comedy or Musical) goes to Robert Downey Jr. for gaying it up in Sherlocke Holmes. If you play him off, he will fucking kneecap you.

10:46 - And we're back with Kate Winslet, here to give out the award for Best Actor in a Drama. Jeff Bridges wins it, which makes him the second Iron Man star to win a Best Actor award tonight.

10:55 - Here to finish finish this thing off like a pillow over the face of your sleeping Grandmother is Julia Roberts' gigantic mouth. Oh God, she will stop at nothing to drag this thing out...Anyway, Avatar wins it, despite Hurt Locker being the objectively better movie because of course it did. Well, whatever, it was entertaining and worth the money but BEST movie? Not so much.

1 comment:

iain said...

Dear Jeremy if you ever decide to forego the porn career you'd make a great comedy writer, I havan't laughed so much for weeks. Keep up the god work