Friday, January 22, 2010

It's Nothing But Time And A Face That You Lose

It's currently something like 2:20 in the morning right now, and I can't sleep. Actually, make that 2:21. It's not for a lack of effort either; I've been lying down for almost half an hour so far and so far, nothing.

I'm not by any stretch of the imagination an insomniac or anything. Usually by two I'm out like a light. It's just that I made the very, very, very stupid mistake of listening to Esthero's "Bad Boy Clyde" to try to lull me asleep, and it's had the exact opposite effect on me: Now I can't.

It's just that for the first time, when I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep, usually Clyde will cross my mind, but tonight, I've started noticing that I can't remember him as well as I used to anymore. I mean, I can still remember his face and his voice, the tattoos and the things we did together, but now it's getting hazy. I'm forgetting him, and quite frankly, that scares me. I don't want to forget him.

But part of me knows that that's not possible, because eventually it's just going to be too long. I'm going to lose pieces of him whether I like it or not (probably the latter) and I'm not ready for that. I've been having some pretty massive mood-swings lately, and the result (or cause, I'm not sure which) has been the fact that I'm thinking about him more and more.

The worst part is, I'm starting to feel like I'm running out of words here. There just aren't enough out there to even begin to describe what this is like. I want to move on but I don't want to forget him. I told myself that I couldn't live without him, but I am. He said he would never let anything happen to me, but I couldn't do that for him; if anything, I sometimes wonder if maybe he'd still be alive if I just did something differently. Maybe if I kept him at home the night he went off, or if I hadn't been there the night he cut open his foot and had to go to the hospital. I know it's a stretch, but maybe it's not so crazy. Maybe this is my fault. And now I just want it to stop hurting, but I'm afraid that if it ever does it won't mean anything.

I recently got asked the question about if there was a fire and you only had a minute, what would you save? All I could think about was the box of little things Clyde left behind in the closet. Collectively the entire thing is probably worth ten cents. I have a standing mixer worth almost $500 for Christ's sake, and the only thing I would take with me is worth about as much as a coin you find on the ground. But other than my memories of him, that's all I have left of him. And now my memories are fading. So...What now?


Diesel Washington said...

Hey Bro,

This was such a great post, I really love how u express yourself. First off the bat, stop blaming yourself. Things happened beyond your control, blaming yourself just brings the pain. You couldn't predict what would happen, so stop putting the blame on yourself. Secondly, memories don't fade or disappear. We keep them inside and continue our daily routine, we have to or we get lost and stuck in that state of sorrow. I have lost loved ones, and kept reminders of them. There is nothing wrong with grabbing that reminder and having a good cry.

Lastly the pain never goes away, I won't lie to you. I'm 40yrs old and each person that I have lost I think about to this day. But I can't let the pain cripple Me and prevent Me from living..

I don't think Clyde would want you to suffer for him......

And what you should do??? Take it day by day, month by month. Your keeping his memory alive(Tats, reminders)but you have to keep living at the same tme...

Keep the memories of him close to your heart but at the same time you have to have room for new thoughts and new memories.

Thanks for this post, it made think of my lost people. It brings Me to tears(of joy)that I get to remember the good times with good people.

Robert said...

The one thing that I can categorically guarantee, Jeremy, is that it wasn’t your fault. The only thing that we are individually responsible for is our own actions.
X Robert

meaux said...

Diesel and Robert are right, Jeremy--you really can't blame yourself. Depression is depression; it's ugly and cruel and frustrating and you just can't fix it in someone else--you can be there for them when they come to you, but that's it.

Although I know how it' hard not to think about the "what-ifs," remember that they don't do a damned thing but make you hurt, and I'm sure Clyde wouldn't want that.

What do you do now? Keep expressing yourself. Writing all of this down is a beautiful way to remember him. What else? You need to keep living your life and being your wonderful self--I know you know this, but I also know that it can be a hard thing to remember in the bleakest hours of the night. Try to remember that it will seem a little more bearable in the morning.