Tuesday, January 5, 2010

How To Make A Crappy Album

Step 1: Find a Producer

Most people and common sense would tell you that the first step would be to learn how to sing, take a couple classes on the various components of music, maybe learn how to play an instrument. But fuck those people. Just find someone with auto-tune and watch as your completely talentless voice is spliced and diced into a barely recognizable husk of it's former self while it is drowned in crappy instrumentals.
Step 2: Write Crap Out a Bunch of Songs

Now comes the hard part: You're going to have to write at least ten different songs about varying themes with recognizably unique melodies. But who has time for that? Here's what the basic track list should look like:
  1. Your first major hit.
  2. Your second single, which should be so similar to the first that most people won't even notice that the last song ended.
  3. Terrible song you spent all of 15 minutes creating.
  4. Another shitty song. Someone will eventually find some glaring similarities between this and a more popular song, resulting in a lawsuit.
  5. Your third single, indistinguishable from the first two. This is placed here as a sort of rest for the second half of the album, else the listener kill themselves.
  6. We now return to our regularly scheduled helping of auto-tuned vocals over an old sample from the Sonic 3 soundtrack.
  7. Shit once again, but at this point, it's to be expected.
  8. The fourth single. From an objective standing point, it's pretty solid considering, but since it strays from the first three singles, no one will give two fucks.
  9. The moment you lose all hope for modern music. Listening to this will only cause you to load your iPod with the sound of screaming babies, if only to drown out how just fucking awful this song is.
  10. The closer. Usually, they try to go for something "subdued", which is slang for "fucking boring." Some artists will proceed to add on a five minute delay along with a crappy bonus song, which is not only pointless in the age of MP3 players, but was fucking irritating back when people still bought CDs.
Step 3: You Need Album Art
  • Male Pop/R&B Artist: White shirt with a pair of jeans, a leather jacket, and a sexy-yet-non-threatening facial expression.
  • Female Pop/R&B Artist: A cocktail dress, after-sex hair, a barely-covered vagina, cleavage
  • Male Rap Artist: T-Shirt two sizes too big, necklace worth roughly the GDP of Africa, look of smug superiority
  • Female Rap Artist: TITS OR GTFO
  • Male Country Artist: Wife-beater, strategically torn jeans, a guitar you have never and will never play, Cowboy boots and hat, an American flag.
  • Female Country Artist: Sundress, sunset, countryside, an "Aw, schucks, I'm just a smalltown girl at heart!" smile.
  • Rock Album: The group members standing in a row, none must be looking at the camera, a city street, the lead singer in the center because absolutely no one cares about the bass player. He's only fooling himself.
Step 4: Promotion

You could let your music speak for itself, creating some initial-prelease buzz. Or you can go to parties, get arrested for a petty crime, date Tila Tequila, get into a feud with an artist with a similar style to yours, use derogatory slurs in public, storm onstage during an awards show, feud with members of your band, break up, get back together, announce a hiatus, slap your name on a product in no way affiliated with your album, and just generally act like a total D-bag.

Step 5: ???

Beats the fuck outta me.

Step 6: Profit!

Congratulations! Your album is #1 on both Billboard AND iTunes charts despite the fact that your talent couldn't fill a shot-glass. Enjoy your riches while objectively better artists languish in obscurity.

1 comment:

James said...

"Enjoy your riches while objectively better artists languish in obscurity."

Isn't this the nature of the music business though?