Monday, November 17, 2008

Pretty Hate Machine: The 10 Stupidest Sex Symbols

10. Will Smith

Okay, so granted, if you've seen I, Robot (which I REALLY don't recommend), you'd know he has a pretty good body. But my Godtopus, that face. He literally looks like a caricature of himself, doesn't he? Have you seen those ears? Does he get HBO on those fuckers?

9. Pamela Anderson

I remember reading somewhere that if you were to create a life-size Barbie Doll, she would have the tater-tots of a grown woman, the waist of child, and the hips of a teenager. That's pretty much what Pamela Anderson has turned into: some sort of Frankenstein mashup of women. It's not a good look for her, to be honest.

8. Mick Jagger

I don't CARE how good you think the Rolling Stones are, Mick Jagger looks like a baseball mitt on top of a broom with a pair of Hot Lips glued to it. If this thought turns you on, please start taking whatever the doctor perscribed you.

7. Kate Moss

Remember a few years ago when no one gave two shits about Kate Moss? She was just another forgotten super model, and no one had to hear about her whiney, skinny self. Then she did a line of coke, and then everyone cared about her again, and I realised how much the skinny lil wench with the car-headlight eyes.

6. Rod Stewart

Rod Stewart is pretty much the earlier version of Clay Aiken, only minus the gayness. Seriously, the guy looked like the baby of a porcupine and a Vegas Show girl. Yet still, women and like-minded men from all over wanted to get up in that. Why that is, is completely beyond me.

5. Zac Efron

Okay, this one may be more about my fear of mannequines than anything else, really. I mean hey, if you want to get your rocks off by fucking a piece of waxy plastic, by all means, go right the fuck ahead.

4. Shia Laboeuf

Why? Why do people find him attrative? His head looks like an egg! He has the facial scruff of a teenager who glued pubes to his face on a dare! He made Transformers for Godtopus' sake. TRANSFORMERS! A movie that featured robots running around a garden for twenty minutes while Shia's parents lectured him about masturbation! How do you guys get off on that?

3. Tila Tequila

Fuck Tila Tequila. Tila Tequila uses the tears of slaughtered baby orphans to lube her vagina, which bites off the penises of all men who enter her. And every year, a virgin girl born on the first day of spring must be sacrificed, or else Tila Tequila's Vagina will rampage through the streets, leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake.

2. Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton is everything that is wrong with society. There is nothing more to be said about this sad lil taint on humanity. Moving on.

1. Prince

Why on EARTH could anybody find the delusional, egotistical piece of overrated fluff to be sexy? The man looks like he can be blown away by a light wind, and he dresses like a Pride Parade exploded on him. He also changed his name to a symbol, sued fans who used his music in a video about their newborn baby, and makes overrated music. But hey, is you want to fuck some tiny lil ego machine, go right ahead. I'm not stopping you.


Robert said...

Ok I agree with all of those but I am even more impressed with your acid comments!
x Robert

meaux said...

I'm with you on all of them except Will Smith. The man has beautiful eyes, and seems to have a sense of humour. Although, if he keeps up with this borderline Scientology nonsense, I may have to reconsider.

Seriously, what is up with the unnatural appeal of Pammie? She used to be lovely enough before the enhancements, but now? Scary!

*heehee* I'd never noticed the Rod Stewart/Clay Aiken similarity, but it's so freakin' true!

Marra Alane said...

I gotta go with Meaux here. Will Smith is goofy hot, especially now that he has a sweet body. I like to imagine that his ears are the male equivalent of pigtails on women - they make great handlebars.

And who the hell thinks Tila Tequila is sexually attractive?

Jeremy Feist said...

Robert: Yeah, I've got an Acid Tongue. Jenny Lewis ain't got shit on me.

Meaux & Marra: Will Smith is hot, as long as you ignore the butterface. Honestly? Paper bag over the head, a condom, and I'd totally be willing to do the nasty. And for some reason, people really DO find Tila attractive. Why else do you think she's the most popular lil ho-bag on Myspace? It sure as hell isn't her winning personality.

Sarah said...

Well, MySpace is for retards and 12-year-olds, so that's probably why Tila Tequila is so popular there, since both of those demographics are dumb as hell.