Sunday, November 9, 2008

My Own Personal Ten Commandments For Drinking

1. Thou Shalt Hide All The Phones

I have a bad habit of drunk dialing. And I mean real bad. It usually involves someone with whom I've done the horizontal tango and never called me back, and it usually follows the process of righteous anger, hysterical crying, and the declaration that I am so much better off without the stupid asshat. Therefore, all phones must be hidden, and cell phones must be left with trusted parties.

2. Thou Shalt Take Off Your Clothes

This is pretty much a given. Getting drunk is a perfectly logical excuse for getting naked. The sooner, the better really. Clothes are a barrier between you and your true naked self. They have to come off.

3. You Will Lipsync Every Song That Comes On, And Fail Miserably

One of the strangest effects of alcohol is that it leads me to believe that (A) I'm not a completely awful singer, and (B) that I know the words to every song. This is a deadly, though oddly fun, combination. And the best part is, anything can be used as a microphone. Beerbottles, hairbrushes, dildos, you name it, there's a chance I've sung an off-key version of "Bleeding Love" into it.

4. Thou Shalt Constantly Be Hugging Something

I have this weird habit of hugging things when I'm drunk. Throw pillows are usually a good one, because no one actually cares about them, and they're roughly the size of your torso. I also have a thing for clinging to people, which is both a sign of friskiness as well as a desperate bid not to fall on the floor.

5. Thou Shalt Find Jeremy Hall

See that fucker right there? Find him, and hold on for dear life. He will be the little floaty ring in a sea of alcohol. And if you play your cards right, you might even get to first base with him. (Hint: he seems to have a thing for skinny, neurotic white boys who can't hold their liquor, slur their words and stumble around like they have an inner ear infection)

6. Thou Shalt Tip $20, No Matter How Much You Actually Bought

This is more a matter of decency then anything. What can I say? I was brought up in a restauraunt, people who don't tip well deserve to be kicked in the balls until they turn into ovaries.

7. Thou Shalt Take Blurry-Ass Pictures That Look Like Crap

Obviously, there's no way in hell I'm gonna remember anything, so the next best thing is to get pictures so I can figure out why there's a mysterious rash on my fun stuff. Further more, all of these pics should look like movie stills from Cloverfield.

8. Thou Shalt Not Break The Seal

Honestly, as soon as I pee once, I'm in there every fifteen minutes, really. You pee once, your never coming out of there ever again. This one pretty much applies to everyone: Don't break the fucking seal.

9. Thou Shalt Get Drunk As Hell Early, Then Keep The Levels Up With Shots All Night

I'm not what most people would call a "social" person, and I've been known to "assault" people for being jerk, assholes, or if I just haven't had coffee that day. So getting drunk is usually a sure fire way to make me sociabale. And the drinking of shots spaced out through the evenning makes sure that I keep my level of drunkness steady.

10. Thou Shalt Know When To Hit The Sack

There comes a time when enough is enough, and falling asleep is a must. At this point, it's best to call a cab, get on a bus, and get home before I completely pass out. It's always good to know your limit, even if it's not terribly high.

Safe Drinking, bitches!


meaux said...

Awesome list!

Oh good grief, I'm so with you on #3. I know better than to sing in front of people when sober, but when I'm not, for the love of pete, cover your ears....

Hmm, the Other Jeremy really is a nice-looking specimen!

Jeremy Feist said...

Meaux: Oh, the pitfalls of drunken karaoke. I do not sing well period, and I certainly do not sing well when I can't even speak right. And for future reference, in order to avoid confusion, Jeremy Hall will be refered to as "Good Jeremy", I'll be refered to as "Evil Jeremy". This seems appropriate.