Monday, August 31, 2009
10 Things You Didn't Know About Glenn Beck
#1: Every time Glenn Beck smiles, a puppy dies violently while an orphan is forced to watch at gunpoint.
#2: Even the little voices in his head that tell him to burn things think he's completely fucking bonkers.
#3: Glenn Beck has a rare form of Tourettes Syndrome which leaves him incapable of going 26 seconds without screaming "SOCIALISM!", "APOCALYPSE!" or "CONSPIRACY!" at the top of his lungs.
#4: Glenn Beck cannot spell 'Oligarchy'. That, or he somehow waded through a sea of crazy to come up with a word with no actual meaning whatsoever.
#5: He was recently served with a subpoena from Carrot Top.
#6: If you say his name in the mirror thirteen times, he will appear, yell at you to GET! OFF! HIS! PHOOOOOOOOOONE!!! Then drag you to Hell.
#7: Remember that show Wonderfalls, where stuffed animals told the protagonist to do things? Well, same deal, only instead of vague (though meaningful) instructions, they just constantly scream "FUCKING LIBERALS!" at him.
#8: Every New Moon, Glenn Beck will immolate his guest in order to appease the dark lord Kromdor, from whom he gets his power.
#9: Whenever he plays Mario Kart he always picks Wario, because everyone knows only douchebags pick Wario.
#10: He and Ann Coulter have a secret love child who, on the final day, will rise up and enslave humanity under his supreme 'Oligarhy'.