How's this for ironic: It's Pride Week here in Montreal, and I'm not feeling too prideful. Nope. None whatsoever. My little pride reserves are currently running at a low right now, and the entire fucking city decides that now is the perfect time to bring it out on full display. Well hoo-fucking-ray, that's just wonderful isn't it?
Not that I hate Pride and everything it stands for. I'm just in one of those pissy moods where I hate everyone around me and kinda wish that they would die already. I'm assuming that other people get these moods too, although I think that may be more wishful thinking that I am not in fact a person inclined to homicidal tendencies.
Although once again, wishful thinking, so that's something of a bummer right there.
Of course, it didn't help that upon entering the lobby of my apartment, I stumbled upon a group of very tall drag queens who looked like they were about to ask if I wanted a Fanta. Instead, she asked me why I wasn't at the Parade.
"I don't know, I'm just a little busy right now," I responded. And I was! I had to go buy some DVDs to distract me from my own over-whelming sense of self-loathing. That's some hard work right there.
"Oh come on, how can you be too busy for Pride? You're like The Grinch who stole Pride. Ba-humbug!" Said one of the Drag Queens, this one bearing an eerie resemblence to a stalk of celery.
"But The Grinch never said 'Ba-Humbug', that was Scrooge," I muttered, inexplicably hung up on this woman's inability to keep her Christmas special references straight.
"Whatever. Point is, you should be out there!"
I gave the group some bullshit excuse about taking a shower, then ran upstairs to watch The Muppet Show. It was at this point I realized that she was right. I was The Grinch who stole Pride and said Ba-Humbug. Well, fuck. Maybe one day end up on the news when they find my corpse after three weeks when they smell the decay, and low and behold, my face has been eaten by my 37 cats. Whoopee.
It also doesn't help that when I was actually out of the house, I got a shitload of free condoms I'll never use, since my actual sex-life is more or less non-existant. Honestly, I can barely remember the last time I had sex that didn't involve a paycheck (no, I don't consider blowjobs as sex. That's like the gay version of the handshake, really). Anyway, I can't tell which is stronger: my general hatred for people in general, or my desire for a fucking boyfriend. We'll see how this plays out I suppose.
9 comments:
Jeremy, I want you to look up "The Wild Reed." This a journal written by Michael J. Bayly. He is Australian but lives in Minnesota. He is coordinator of a Committee on Sexual Minorities. In particular I want you to read from August 14th, his post, Remembering a Very Special Time. I think the comments that he made were so heartfelt that I felt myself welling up. You really need to feel good about yourself, my friend, but at the moment with everything going on in your life it is difficult. I think reading some of what Michael Bayly has to say could touch you and give you a little strength for your journey.
Peace and love to you always - Mark
I am NOT going to try an cheer you up or tell you Jeremy cant have a Fucky Funk day, cause I have had plenty days like you had today.
So I will just say this,,dont OBSESS over not having a BF!
I didn't get a decent relationship till I was over 30 (depressing huh)
Serious most gay men your age all the way to 30 cant HANDLE a Monogamous mutual relationship, we just don't come wired that way!
What you need is some gay friends,and they DON'T all have to be someone you would have sex with.
Build the personal network and the relationships as a young gay man FIRST.
You might find that will lift your mood and it will sure as hell give you plenty to write about.
Let the Quest for the Unholy Grail come later when you are emotionally capable of truly sharing yourself with another man.
And being mentally prepared for some bad emotional wrecks from a failed relationship or two,(WE ALL Have them) that takes time.
(no, I don't consider blowjobs as sex. That's like the gay version of the handshake, really).
Yep but sometimes that is ALL we are in the mood for. Right?
Some can have monogamous relationships in their late teens and 20's, but I'll say don't think it's the most important thing. We all have your shitty days, I tend to get more pissy with kids being loud in nice restaurants and shitty mini van drivers in the left lane going under the speed limit
Jeremy,
I think DeWayne has made some good points. Whether you care or not, people are with you and are sending positive thoughts your way.
Robert
Not to take the side of the drag queens or anything, Jerms, but you're not going to find a boyfriend by holing up inside and feeling sorry for yourself. I used to have this argument with a straight friend of mine all the time. He wanted a girlfriend, but was completely unwilling to take any steps towards finding one other than post lame profiles on dating websites. And he spoke like, fluent klingon. You've got a helluva lot more going for you, trust me.
Like Maude from Harold & Maude (my all-time favorite movie) said:
Reach out! Take a chance! Get hurt, even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE!
Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.
Oh God Harold and Maude had such a profound effect on me.
Masterpiece of Twisted Black Comedy!
Harold & Maude and Heathers altered my life! Long live film noir.
Wanna Fanta! Don't ya wanna! Wanna Fanta! Don't ya wanna!
I loathe you for getting this stuck in my head but I cracked up at the reference. :)
Sorry, nothing inspirational or helpful here, just letting you know the Fanta queens amused me.
Oh, and PS, I agree with Stacy.
Post a Comment