Yesterday was the last day of a job I've had for three years now. The place where I earned my first paycheck, where I've met some of my best friends, and where, last year, I felt what it was like to have your heartbroken for the first time.
Yes, another Andrew post. With any luck, this'll be my last post on the subject. Or at least, I hope it will be. Anyway, on my way out the door for my last time, I stopped inside the men's bathroom, and looked inside the urinal stall. There, on the corner of the door, were the words I had written in pencil a year ago:
"Everyone you love will leave you"
Depressing, isn't it? But that's what it's like the first time. I'm sure it gets easier after a while, but the first time? It's the worst goddamn feeling in the world, and nothing will ever be able to prepare you for it.
Well, I suppose this is sort of my way of closing the door on him. But not really. As much as I'd love to have the Eternal Sunshine treatment and have all my memories of him wiped away, you don't. You suck it up and keep moving, or else you end up curling up and dying.
But still, I can't help but wonder whether or not I was right. "Everyone you love will leave you"...Well, can't say I've been proven wrong so far.
2 comments:
Even if it's true, would it make it any easier knowing in advance? Maybe I have a problem (entirely possible) but I'm still not totally over someone from 3 years ago. It was this crazy and awesome thing, and the deepest I've EVER connected with another human being. Could almost read each other's minds; it was so insane. I actually (and I fucking hate to say it) felt like she filled in the parts that were missing and complimented me so well it was scary. And then: POOF! Gone. And no recourse. It's just done. I want so badly to be done with that feeling but it still crops up. So there's my novel. Basically...try to move on, but it won't work til you're actually ready to, I guess.
But hey, at least you're not an irredeemable prick. So you've got that going for you.
I'm sure it gets easier after a while, but the first time?
It doesn't really get easier so much as you get used to it. I still think of an x from five years ago, and one from a year ago. Losing your first love is hard, but its always going to be hard. It seems to me that every time I fall in love I give more and more of my heart only to have it crushed up, spit out, and thrown away. That's what we do though right? We want to love, and we want to be loved. Its the price we pay.
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