Thursday, August 6, 2009

Top 10 Biggest Dealbreakers

#10: A Fondness for Nickelback

Admitting you like Nickelback is the equivalent of saying that you have no taste in music and that you enjoy having me brain you with a brick until you stop twitching. There really is no excuse for listening to Nickelback, and there's even less logic in your telling me this. Unless of course you really do enjoy said bricking, in which case, go right ahead.

#9: An Inability to Drink Anything That Is Not a Bright, Pretty Colour
Even High School students can do shots of vodka. HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. If we go out and you spend the entire night drinking Bacardi Breezers, Appletinis, or others of their like, it's pretty much over. If you can't at least shoot whiskey, there's no future for us...Probably because you didn't have balls to begin with.

#8: You Can't Pick Up a Check
I'm not cheap or anything, but I'm not exactly Daddy Warbucks either. I'm more than willing to pay for dinner or for a movie, but if you're not going to at least offer to pony up some dough, well, then you can just go suck a hot cock, can't you? How about you go get a freaking job, mooch?

#7: You're a Dick to Waiters

Considering I was more or less raise in a restaurant, this is more of a personal matter than anything. Well, that and the fact that if you piss off the staff, chances are they might spit on your food, and there is no way in hell I'm taking that bullet for you, shit-for-brains.

#6: I'm Your Rebound

Hate to break it to you emo, but I don't to be the placeholder for whoever you were dating before. Do I look like your Plan B? How about you go get some therapy, or maybe eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's while watching rom-coms, instead pretending you give a shit about me. I refuse to be the goodie bag at your pity party.

#5: You're Jealous About the Porn Thing
Oh fuck off, you knew exactly what you were getting into when you jumped on the band wagon. If you're gonna turn into some raging psycho just because of my work, then I will dump your sorry ass. And believe me, it IS you, not me.

#4: Your Clothes Make You Look Like a Huge Tool

This includes any of the following: "Clever" Slogan T-Shirts, anything found in GQ, Sunglasses in doors, skinny jeans, clothing five sizes too big, and of course, Ed Hardy. I don't care who you are, Ed Hardy can make ANYONE look like a tool. Even Mother Teresa couldn't get away with it.

#3: You Make Fun of my Family

Let's get one thing straight: The only person allowed to make fun of my family is me and me alone. That's because I love them, and also because they've given me years of ammunition to use against me (not to worry, I've given them plenty of ammunition too). You don't like them? Well fuck you, you judgmental sack of burning ass hair.

#2: You're a "Metrosexual"

A Metrosexual is really just an over-grown Ken Doll. If you use make-up, spend over an hour getting ready to go out, or generally spend way too much time obsessing over yourself, I'm out. Sorry, but I'm not about to go steady with a guy who's more in love with himself than he is with me.

#1: You Obsess Over Food And Calories

Oh cry me a fucking river. There are carbs in your fries? Too fucking bad. If I ever hear you bitch about "carbs", "cals" or "my ass is SO fat", I will fucking end you. I will grab the salad fork and shiv you in the jugular for being such a whiny little pussy. Eat your goddamn food and stop being such a douche already.


Robert said...

Different things piss different people off I guess - but yours are all a kack! (maybe Aussie for "laugh" but not sure and I can't be bothered checking it).
x Robert

DeWayne In San Diego said...

hmm I cant Stand the Ken Dolls and I agree with #1 obsessing with food, I will warn you Jeremy when u hit 30(or 29) you will suddenly have the urge to eat lean chicken,fish no fast food and run 6 to 7 miles a day.

I dropped to 144 on a 6'2" frame I had those cut abs I always drooled over!

Then u hit 35 and you just want the fucking PIZZA!

Seriously for a moment #7 on the first date if he was rude or disrespectful to the wait staff no matter HOW he treated me,,

There was no Second date!

How you treat people is paramount in my book!

My drink of choice is Vodka something smooth lke Titos Texas Vodka ;)

maybe Cran or OJ sometimes a Sierra Mist.

The only fancy drink I can handle is a Cosmo

Its Fancy cause its in a tini glass not a highball ;0

phquaryn said...

Yeah, if someone is mean to waitstaff? It is a no-go. And, I mean, I am obsessed with calories? But at least I have the decency not to *talk* about it on a *date*, damn. Did you ever date someone who talks about how many reps they do at the gym? Yawn.

Jeaux said...

I don't know Nickelback enough to dis them. I don't know if that's cool but probably not.

I have to admit - I was really rude to a waiter a couple nights ago. Not to worry, it was Matthew. ,-)

Fun blog. I'll be back...

Jeremy Feist said...

Robert: And now you realize why I never fact check ANYTHING.

DeWayne: Awwww, why the hell can't I want things that I will at 30 now? Boooooo.

phquaryn: Can't say they've ever talked reps no, but guys seem to have a pretty easy time turning me off.

Jeaux: How could you not know about the suck that is Nickelback? I'm envious right now.

Lord Thundercox said...

You would hate me.