Now that I have my own place (Read: I have an apartment AND cable. Spiffy!), it's time to air out some...personal matters. Ah hell, let's just call a spade a spade: I'm about to bitch out someone who ACTUALLY deserves it for once. And I'm gonna enjoy every word of it.
Hey Matthew, remember how I lost my virginity to you? Well, hate to break it to you, but it was pretty much the worst sex of my entire life. Not only were you disgustingly picky about making sure I shaved almost every inch of my body while you yourself looked like someone stapled shag carpeting to every piece of exposed flesh on you (and considering your weight, there was a LOT of it, fatty), but your cock was embarrassingly small. Seriously, my dong isn't exactly Antonio Biaggi-esque here, but my God, that was just pathetic.
To make matters worse, actually finding the damn thing in that wig you call "pubic hair" was like playing Where's Waldo with an Imax screen. I'm not telling you to shave the whole thing bald, but my God, have you never heard of a trimmer?
Not only that, but you are quite possibly the single most vanilla person ever. Seriously, are you straight or something? You were such a little pussy in bed (well, technically, it was the couch in your parents basement). Next time you land a guy, try not being such a whiny little bitch in the sack.
And one last question here: If you had so much experience with your ex-boyfriend, why the hell did it take all of two minutes for you to cum? No, seriously, two minutes? Do you have ED or something? That's just pitiful. You got off so fast, I almost didn't have time to fake it. Oh well, I suppose that's what I get for banging someone with a blog devoted to the Pussycat Dolls Present Girlicious.
I would probably feel bad about airing this out to everyone if it weren't for the fact that you never called me back afterward. It takes a special kind of asshole to not call someone back when you take their virginity. But whatever, your loss. I'm a pornstar now, and you're still a dorky sack of crap who lives with his parents. By the way, in case you're wondering, yes, I was talking about you when I talked about my first-fuck being hung like a hamster in my first two porn scenes. Isn't that nice? Now hundreds of people know what a terrible fuck you were.
Oh, and just to really rub it in there, I told everyone you had syphillis.