Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Here's How A Real Bitch Does It...

Now that I have my own place (Read: I have an apartment AND cable. Spiffy!), it's time to air out some...personal matters. Ah hell, let's just call a spade a spade: I'm about to bitch out someone who ACTUALLY deserves it for once. And I'm gonna enjoy every word of it.

Hey Matthew, remember how I lost my virginity to you? Well, hate to break it to you, but it was pretty much the worst sex of my entire life. Not only were you disgustingly picky about making sure I shaved almost every inch of my body while you yourself looked like someone stapled shag carpeting to every piece of exposed flesh on you (and considering your weight, there was a LOT of it, fatty), but your cock was embarrassingly small. Seriously, my dong isn't exactly Antonio Biaggi-esque here, but my God, that was just pathetic.

To make matters worse, actually finding the damn thing in that wig you call "pubic hair" was like playing Where's Waldo with an Imax screen. I'm not telling you to shave the whole thing bald, but my God, have you never heard of a trimmer?

Not only that, but you are quite possibly the single most vanilla person ever. Seriously, are you straight or something? You were such a little pussy in bed (well, technically, it was the couch in your parents basement). Next time you land a guy, try not being such a whiny little bitch in the sack.

And one last question here: If you had so much experience with your ex-boyfriend, why the hell did it take all of two minutes for you to cum? No, seriously, two minutes? Do you have ED or something? That's just pitiful. You got off so fast, I almost didn't have time to fake it. Oh well, I suppose that's what I get for banging someone with a blog devoted to the Pussycat Dolls Present Girlicious.

I would probably feel bad about airing this out to everyone if it weren't for the fact that you never called me back afterward. It takes a special kind of asshole to not call someone back when you take their virginity. But whatever, your loss. I'm a pornstar now, and you're still a dorky sack of crap who lives with his parents. By the way, in case you're wondering, yes, I was talking about you when I talked about my first-fuck being hung like a hamster in my first two porn scenes. Isn't that nice? Now hundreds of people know what a terrible fuck you were.

Oh, and just to really rub it in there, I told everyone you had syphillis.


Jeremy Feist


Matt the Great! said...

In case any one is wondering, he's not talking about me!

Flygal said...

haha sounds like a douchebag!

Anonymous said...

Jeremy that picture is sexy. I am sure Matthew is ready to shot himself.

Brandon Baker said...

Ouch, that's hot.
I love it when you get all riled up. *wink*
*rubs hands together*

GorgeousBoys said...

Another awesome post. Poor Matt got really dragged thru the mud there.LOL I never fail to get a good laugh reading your posts!

Robert said...

Wow - the power of the internet! You have done Bette Davis proud. Obviously it is not the go to muck with Mr Feist! Hope you have had more memorable fucks to compensate lol!
x Robert

DeWayne In San Diego said...

"My First Gay Sex"

The reality show version LOL

Nothing like the porno fantasy they try to project.

Great post and damn that pic, not shaving just amps up your look.

And you discovered the great benefit of having an apt and no roommates.

You can be nekid all day!

Lord Thundercox said...

Glad you're over it.

Tracer Bullet said...

Mental note: Buy new personal groomer.

Jeremy Feist said...

Matt: Not to worry, it was a different Matthew...

Flygal: Believe me, he IS.

Anon: I really hope he is :P

Brandon: I'll have to get riled up more often

GB: Awww, why thank you! Yeah, I had fun dragging him through it too!

Robert: I've had many more memorable fucks, don't you worry!

DeWayne: Glad to know the whole "Not shaving" thing is working so well for me :D

Thundercox: I'm not over it, per se, but I DO feel better.

Tracer: Nothing wrong with hair, but you know, keep it maintained is all.

meaux said...

Whew...Jeremy, I hate to sound like a misdirected cougar here but...damn, my friend, anger agrees with you. That is one freakin' hot picture!