A Guide To Writing Gay Porn Scripts

While some are admonishing the death of scripted XXX movies, I say fuck these people. Now more than ever in these difficult times, people need to know how to craft a good fuck flick. Therefore, I take time out of my busy schedule of not actually doing anything to provide you with this handy guide to writing a gay porn.

1. The Plot

For the most part, all porn tends to work the same basic way: Take a 10-minute movie, and stretch it out goatse-style (DO NOT GOOGLE THAT) to two hours in length by adding in completely random (and occasionally just fucking nonsensical) sex scene.

2. Characters

This one is pretty easy, since you can add the word "sexy" in front of any profession and BAM! You got a character. A couple quick examples from: Sexy policemen, sexy firefighters, sexy cult leaders, sexy psychiatric patients, sexy reporters, sexy janitors, sexy interns, sexy lawyers, sexy tattoo artists, sexy corpses...There is literally no job out there that can't be sexualized in some way.

3. The Setup

There is none. None whatsoever. Much like that scene from When Harry Met Sally, people can apparently start having random orgasms in public during a conversation. Talking about the weather? Gay sex. Asking someone to pass the salt? Gay sex. Discussing whether or not Shakespeare was actually Bacon? Gay sex. The exception to this rule is the "Gay-for-Pay" scenario, in which the scene is set up as such:

Straight Guy #1: I'm not gay.

Straight Guy #2: Me neither.

Straight Guy #1: Let's show how not gay we are by whipping out our pork swords and fucking.

Straight Guy #2: (Sticks it in) I LOVE VAGINAS!!!

This is also the formula for every Apatow Comedy ever.

4. Setting

This is based primarily around what sexy profession you have going for you. You usually want to shoot for some place that at least has furniture or a waist-high ledge. Gay guys will fuck just about anywhere as long as they have some KY and a condom handy, so feel free to take some creative liberties with this.

5. Title

This is where you want to go for the sexual jugular. Your title should be some sort of terrible pun or play on words that alludes to what you're selling without stating it out right. Basically, something like Taking One For the Team works, but Gay Men Having Anal Sex For Two Hours won't.

And there you have it. Follow these simple steps and you to can write your very own gay porn, which will be made fun of on crappy, mediocre blogs...Much like this one! Lucky you.