Thursday, August 20, 2009

Your Heart Is A Strange Little Orange To Peel

I've learned something very important today: Hearts (or at least mine anyway) are spiteful, evil little creatures with suicidal tendencies, just waiting for you to break them. They are completely devoid of logic, rationale, and apparently, schadenfreude. Generally speaking, hearts are total dicks. You hear that Heart? YOU SUCK!

I'm not sure what it is about me, but I have a bad habit of falling for guys who obviously don't want me. This usually means straight guys (USUALLY, anyway). For some unexplainable reason, my Heart will actively seek out whatever will destroy it, blow it up, crush it into a million little pieces and scatter them in the wind, never to be seen again.

Hell, in the past summer, I've had two guys with whom I could have had (if not a fairytale romance) a somewhat adult relationship. They liked me. Hell, one of the guys even walked me home with his arm slung around my shoulder.

My instinct was to run. Run as far as humanly possible in the opposite direction. Maybe move to some part of the U.S., change my name and work in a charmingly quirky diner with sassy waitresses and gruff but lovable trucker patrons.

There is something fundamentally wrong with me as a human being. I think I'm defective, and I'm pretty sure I'm not under warranty.

Okay, weird ass rant over. Feel free to go about living your lives, listening to your non-fucked up hearts. I will attempt to keep my strange little Heart under control, and maybe keep it from making me do stupid shit.


Rusty said...

For what it's worth, I don't think there's anything unusual about you. It's easier to fall for those who are unattainable, because you never have to truly fear rejection. It's not a question of them rejecting you, because you know there's no hope from the outset and you can live a romantic vision of unrequited affection. With someone who genuinely likes you, that you could have a relationship with, it's scary because if you allow yourself to be vulnerable to them you can end up hurt far worse. You can be rejected by someone who sought you out, you can be rejected because of YOU rather than circumstances beyond your control. That's scary.

You just have to reach the point where the fear of loneliness outstrips the fear of opening yourself up to a relationship. A place where you understand that even if things go badly, you'll be a better person for opening your heart and letting some of the bitterness out.

… says the girl who's been basically celibate for about 20 months now. Take what I say with a grain of salt. But know that you're not alone in your misdirected affections.

debachle said...

while this may be of little comfort... there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you! love the honesty of your posts and the humour of your posts... love, love, love. I have never been wrong and I surely do not intend to start now... love, love, love... lb

Robert said...

If your heart was rational - the ride would be boring. The gig's got to have no rhyme or reason - otherwise "love" would predictable and not be such an incredible roller coaster. In my humble opinion, not getting on the ride is the sad option.
x Robert

Deistbrawler said...

Move to GA if you come to the states. We have plenty of truckers. Even straight if you work at the stripclub here in Atl called Swinging Richards, I'll come see ya.

Anna von Beaverplatz said...

Oh, sweetie, as they've already said, it happens to everyone. I've fallen in love in the complete and utter wrong circumstances, and then learned to accept that it was never going to be anything, only to have it turn around on me. (I was with Someone, fell in love with Someone Else, Someone Else had no interest in me except for what I could do for him, i.e. sex + help with stuff, I gave up & slowly fell out of love with Someone Else, AND THEN Someone Else (realized? decided?) he was in love with me. Too late.) It hurt like hell. It always does. Poor dear. You're not defective, just human.

Oh, I just want to give you a big hug!

Jeremy Feist said...

Rusty: Well, I kinda figured I had rejection issues, but my God if you didn't just hit the nail on the head. Thanks!

debachle: Well, thanks for the love love love!

Robert: Well, then I guess I need to get on then, huh?

Deistbrawler: Swinging Richards? BEST. NAME. EVER.

AVB: I think that's what I'm worried of: Falling for Someone Else.