Saturday, August 29, 2009
How To Survive A Modern Horror Movie In 8 Easy Steps
#1: Don't Have A Vagina
I can not stress this one enough. Honestly, today's filmmakers must have had their entire families wiped by some sort of roaming band of feral vajooters, because they flat-out DESPISE them. If you have a vagina, you will probably be tortured to death. Sorry, but that's just how it works nowadays.
#2: Never Go To A Foreign Country
It's a fact: All other countries are home to sadistic torture chambers that enjoy nothing more than seeing Americans (preferably of the blond, female variety) brutally murdered. That's why you should never travel out of the country, and only buy American. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
#3: Always Take What The Killer Has To Say In Its Most Literal Sense
Chances are, when the tape recorder or TV or what the fuck ever comes on, telling you that something is "Shocking", there's a good chance you're about to die of electrocution. Likewise, if they say something like "Put peg A into hole B", you better fucking do it, unless you want to have your head explode everywhere.
#4: Visions Are Bad. Never Listen To Them
If Final Destination has taught me anything (aside from the fact that the entire world is one big Rube Goldberg machine of decapitating elevators and intestine sucking pool vaccuums trying to kill you), it's that visions are bad. Very, very bad. It's like a get out of jail free card, only if you use it, the Universe will burn you alive in a tanning bed.
#5: Zombies Move REALLY Fast Now
Seriously, have you SEEN some of these new zombies? These guys are like an army of Usain Bolts, all hoping to devour your brain. The best advice I can give you is to get a motorcycle. Or a really fast Segway.
#6: Kids Without Parents Are EVIL!
Hey, remember Little Orphan Annie? She sure was cute, wasn't she? Well what if I told you she was secretly planning on pinning you down and running you over with a riding lawn mower? Because all Orphans are either psychopathic dwarves or hellspawn. Either way, unless it has either a mommy or a daddy, don't trust anything that comes out of its adorable orphan mouth.
#7: Apparently, Jason Is Fucking MacGuver Now
No offense, but I think I missed the part of Jason's childhood where he figured out how to set up complex systems of levers and pullys for the sake of offing stupid teenagers.
#8: Old People Are The Fucking Devil
Honestly, when they're not knitting sweaters or sending you a check for $12 for your birthday, old people are playing fatal, mind warping games with others or cursing them to spend an eternity wallowing in hell. Seriously, what the fuck AARP?