Ten "Great" Movies That Really Kinda Sucked
10. The Lord Of The Rings
Yes, I'm aware that the battles were "Epic", but that doesn't excuse the amout of suck thrown into the script, now does it?
9. Shakespeare In Love
If only for Gwenyth Platrow's completely ass-backward win. What the crap?
8. Titanic
True Story: My Dad went to see this movie, fell asleep an hour in, then woke up an hour later. When he realised the boat was still above water, he screamed "SINK ALREADY!".
7. The Last Samurai
Do you honestly expect me to buy Tom Cruise as an ancient Japanese Warrior? Please. At most, I can see him as the last butt-pira...Hmmm, it appears I've been served a subpoena. Son of a nutsack.
6. Passion Of The Christ
I know I'm going to get angry Godwads telling me off for this one, but really: Where the crap is the message in all this? Yes, Jesus suffered, but he did a whole bunch of other stuff too. Does "Love your neighbour" ring any bells? Also, Mel Gibson is a fucking nutjob.
5. Oliver!
Fact: Movies based on musicals always suck.
Also Fact: Movies with unnecessary punctuation are equally terrible.
4. Ordinary People
Oh, the tragic lives of self-entitled WASPs. Cry me a freakin' river.
3. Napoleon Dynamite
Oh, where to begin...Unsympathetic characters, thread-bare plot, emotionless performances, the inundation of this load of crap into popular culture, the fact that Jon Heder apparently can't say "Damn", but calling someone a retard is a-okay...Honestly, I could go on about the movie and all those involved in it ALL DAY LONG.
2. Scarface
This is mostly just a big FUCK YOU to all those on MTV Cribs who had a lifesize portrait of Al Pacino in their house and thought their shit didn't stink. Congratulations, you're idolizing a psychotic coke addict. Dumbass.
1. Crashed
How the Brokeback Mountain lose to this? A hamfisted attempt at analyzing prejudice that reinforced more stereotypes than it actually shattered. And what, there are no gays in LA? Choke on a bag of shit, Paul Haggis, ya fuckin' schmuck.
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4 comments:
I'm loving the lists, keep 'em coming! Man, I tried to watch Napoleon Dynamite and couldn't be bothered to pay attention.
Also, I'm pretty sure that if he's up there, the Big Guy himself would fully agree with you on his portrayal in the Passion. I mean, really--torture porn in the name of religion? Mind you, my mom loved it...she's old-school Catholic. *sigh*
Your funniest list yet man! and your dad has taste! Well of course he has - he produced you, didn't he?
x Robert
Movies with unnecessary punctuation are equally terrible.
What about Saved!?
I'm with you on Scarface - in high school, a guy I dated had this as his third date movie, and I died inside.
Also, your dad is my hero.
"True Story: My Dad went to see this movie, fell asleep an hour in, then woke up an hour later. When he realised the boat was still above water, he screamed 'SINK ALREADY!'"
Awesomeness
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