Monday, March 9, 2009

The 10 Dumbest Celebrity Tattoos

#10 - Francois Sagat, Scalp

While there are about a million and one really stupid porn tattoos out there, I’m really only going with this one because it looks it probably hurt like a BIIIIIITCH. It would probably be a little higher up on the list if it wasn’t for the fact that when my hairline starts receding, I’m probably gonna be the first in line for a full scalp tattoo. Hey, when it comes to baldness, there is no way in hell I’m going gentle into that good night.

#9 - Amy Winehouse, Daddy's Girl

I have to admit, Ii actually kinda like Amy’s tattoos, but when you have to start drawing bras onto your tattoos for a live telecast, that’s where I draw the line. And I mean really, Daddy’s Girl? Those are some issues I don’t even wanna go into.

#8 - David Beckham, Brooklyn


IF you can pry your eyes away from Beckham’s super happy fun land for all of two seconds, you might notice the fact that he tattooed his sons name OVER HIS ASS. Is it hotter than sweet holy fuck? Yes, yes it is, but having your son’s name six inches from your asshole is fucking WEIRD.

#7 - Pete Wentz, The Nightmare Sleeve

Fun fact of the day: Pete Wentz is such a complete fucking tool, that he even makes a sleve tattoo inspired by The Ngithmare Before Christmas look insanely douchetastic. So yeah, fuck you Pete Wentz for ruining The Nightmare Before Christmas. Asshole.

#6 - Steve-O, Steve-O


What’s dumber than getting a tattoo of a celebrity? A celebrity getting a tattoo on himself. Steve-O is practically a spring of stupid fucking ink, but the self-portrait on his back makes me want to punch him in the throat until he stops breathing.

#5 - Jessica Alba, Ass Bow

Ladies and gentlemen, Alba’s Ass! It slices, it dices, and it now comes wrapped up with a bow for your viewing pleasure! Supplies are limited, so call now! Alba’s Ass! Have you got yours today?

#4 - Brody Jenner, Jenner

In case you’re wondering, no, that’s not a symbol of narcissism on Brodie Jenner’s side. That was actually drawn on in case he ever forgot his name. Eh? EH? Cuuuuuuuuuz he’s stupid! Thank you, I’m here all week.

#3 - Boy George, Scalp Clusterfuck

What better way to convince the jury at your trial that you are completely innocent of kidnapping and beating a rentboy than by showing up with a clusterfuck of tattoos on your head? Yeah, that’s really gonna sell your defense. Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you go ahead and eat a baby while you’re on the stand? That’ll REALLY show ‘em! (Edit: Whoops! Sorry, when I was writing the article, I couldn't access the pic, so I was going on memory here. Thank Tamatha for the catch! Seriously, open mouth, insert big stupid foot.)

#2 - Mike Tyson, Face


It’s a tattoo. That takes up half his fucking face. ‘Nuff said.

#1 - Tila Tequila, Skankiest Tattoo In The World

Tila Tequila is everything that is wrong with the world today. Need proof? Check out her stupid fucking heart tattoo, which pretty much looks like an amalgamation of every single slut tattoo ever put to ink. My God, she literally looks you can buy her for $49.99 at your local porn shop, then take her home and inflate the bitch.

9 comments:

Figgylicious said...

I agree with ALL of these, but mostly I just want to thank you for the David Beckham ass shot. Because...damn. DAMN. I CAN'T STOP STARING.

DAMN.

Alec Sarkas said...

You’ve shown me parts of celebrities I didn't know existed! Most were places I didn’t want to go to… but with the absolute exception of Becks. Mercy.

Nicole said...

Becks' tush? Thank you!

Have you a list of your ten faves as well?

Tamatha said...

Isn't that a Star of David on Boy George's scalp, rather than a pentagram? I'm pretty sure it's the latter, rather than the former, that is often associated with Satan worship.

Which isn't to say that Boy George's head tattoos aren't awful, 'cause they are quite terrible.

Julie said...

I'm sorry, where was Beckham's tattoo? My eyes refused to glance upward.

Julie said...

Oh, and did anyone else notice that Beckham TOTALLY has thong tan lines? Heeeeeeee!!

Anonymous said...

Pete Wentz is a complete tool. I've seen a NBC sleeve before (on one Davey Havok) that's waaaay effin' more awesome (awesomer?), and doesn't make you want to punch the tattooer and the tattoo-ee in the balls.

Jeremy Feist said...

Figgy, Alec, Nicole and Julie: Apparently, all you got out of this was David Beckham's ass, which I can totally get behind. I mean, you know, get behind you liking his butt, I didn't mean...Actually, yes, I could get behind David Beckham. Hell, I could get in front of him too. The many, many things I would do to that man...

And thanks to Tamatha for the save. I originally wrote this as a word article in Western Civ, so I didn't really have access to the images, so I just went by memory. All I can say is, serious party foul on me. Sorry!

And Anon, I totally love sleeves too! But you're right, Pete Wentz = superdouche.

angelbabe said...

NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN!

Sorry...