Monday, March 23, 2009

On Getting Tested

So today I spent the day at the clinic getting tested for every conceivable STI I could think of. I'm not exactly a veteran when it comes to this, so it was more or less a day of taking various stabs in the dark.

After reading through various seven-year old copies of O Magazine, I got called in and took the mandatory questionnaire to see how risky I was. I'm glad to report, I'm what is classified as Low-Risk. For the record, I've never had bareback sex or taken any drugs (cigarettes don't count), so this was kind of a given. Still, hooray for condoms (And on a related note: Choke on it, Barebackers)!

First up was the urine test for syphilis and chlamydia. I've never actually had to take a urine test before, since I've never exactly been a very active person in any way, shape or form, so as you would expect, I fucked that up royally. I won't go into details, but let's just say I'm really not too great when it comes to taking one.

Next was the HIV blood test. I'm not exactly one of those people that's scared off by needles, but yeah, can't say I'm too thrilled by them either. All I can say is, WOW that's a lot of blood that comes out of you in so short a time.

After that it was off for a physical where I first found out that you could get chlamydia in the mouth. I mean, yes, I knew you could get herpes up there, but the clap? Jeebus H. I also found out that they make condoms specifically for this purpose, a product I can't really say I've ever seen before. While I'm a big believer in protected sex, I have to say, it seems a little...excessive. Mind you, there is no way in hell I'd ever let some guy fire one off in my mouth, but still, I would be lying if I said I won't think twice about oral next time.

With this new revelation handy, I decided to take what is referred to as a "Throat Culture". Basically, they grab a swab an dab it around the back of your throat. Kind unpleasant in a very "Okay, feel like I'm gonna puke" sorta way, but I was just a tiny bit freaked about that little ol' nugget of info.

Anyways, now begins the waiting period of two to three weeks while I wait for the results. I mean, I feel really healthy and all, but still, you never know. Anyways, just gonna shut up now before my neurosis goes into overdrive and I go all hypochondriac. For now, here's a super bitchin' mashup of the top 25 songs of 2008. Cheers!


meaux said...

Yikes, sounds like not fun! Well worth it, though. Must say, I'm curious as to how a guy can possibly screw up a urine test. I mean, it's not easy for a gal, but aren't you menfolk a little better equipped?

I've been getting poked and prodded myself these days--we have to get medical clearance to work on one of our more contaminated job sites. Going for bloodwork, urine test and a chest x-ray tomorrow...then for a hepatitis vaccine Thursday....yay.

Rusty said...

Yeah, I try and get tested about once a year at least and there's always that… uncertainty. Like "there's no conceivable reason for me to be worried, but that's what people always say right before they're told they have 6 months to live".

But so far I'm perfectly healthy, and I'm sure you are too. And good on you for getting tested!

Anna von Beaverplatz said...

Good on you! I'm always overjoyed to see people being responsible, especially you Kids These Days. I ahve met a lot of youngsters (god, what am I , 72? Seriously, am I my grandma?) who think absolutely nothing of not using condoms AT ALL. Ugh.

But, my first reaction was similar to meaux's... how do you fuck up a urine test?? You pee in a cup... and you can aim! It's way harder for a girl to do that, let me tell you. Unless... is there a written now?

Anyway, way to go, dearie, and I too am sure you're good (keeping the fingers & toes crossed for you. Not the legs, though).

Robert said...

You are so brave. You are also my hero and a great role model for the rest of the gay community. Good on you big boy!
x Robert
PS see I get why you had trouble with the urine test - big equipment - small cup hahaha - I will say no more!

Tania said...

Wait, chlamydia is not the same as the clap, is it? I thought that was gonorrhea (which yes, you can get in the throat. Ugh.)

Well done for getting tested. It's never fun. But yeah, how do you mess up a pee test, when you have such a handy dispenser right there? ;-)

Jeff said...

I've barebacked once before, though before you judge, it's mostly not my fault(long, horrible, awful, rape-ish story). It can take anywhere from at least three to six months for HIV to be detectable and I'm still in the gray zone. It feels like I'm playing Russian roulette, the cylinder has been spun, and I'm waiting for the trigger to be pulled so I can find out my fate.

All I can do is sit around and not have sex for six months.

Jeremy Feist said...

meaux: Totally worth it. Although good luck not dying on the job. Yeesh, I do not envy you.

Rusty: Yeah, that's kinda what's going through my head. "Low-Risk? Sure, that's what you WANT me to think!" Although I'm hoping that I'll be fine.

AVB: Glurg. Stupid wee lil kids going around fucking willy-nilly (pun not intended) without protection. Seriously, you're going to catch something! And it might not be something that can be cured with a shot of penicillin!

Robert: Aww, thanks Rob! But it's nothing truly heroic, it's just something that every responsible, sexually-active person should be doing!

Tania: Not sure as to the specifics of STD-lingo. I'm learning, though.

AND FOR THE RECORD, I had trouble because she marked this little line on the cup where I had to stop, so obviously, my OCD kicks in and I'm trying to get the exact amount in there, which is really hard because I'm not one of those people that can turn the hose on and off if you get what I'm saying. How I managed to walk out of their without christening my mitts in pee is BEYOND me.

Jeremy Feist said...

Jeff: Jesus Christ that sucks. I'm really sorry. If you say it's not your fault, I believe you, but I'm really hoping that everything is fine with you and that you'll be okay. All the best!

Lainey said...

It *is* scary, but good job, Jeremy Darling!

And this:
"Unless... is there a written now?" from AvB made me giggle and giggle and giggle!