Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Some More Shit I Don't Get

How Bruno Gets An NC-17 While Straight Flicks Get An R

Hate to break it to anyone who thinks otherwise, but I have yet to encounter a legitimate argument as to how being gay is sinful. So far, they've all boiled down to "Well, I think gay sex is icky", which is pretty much on the same mental level of a kindergartner. So to the MPAA I say: Get the fuck off your high horse already. Basically, you're saying a movie can feature someone unloading enough lead into someone to write a textbook, but two dudes consummating their love for each other? Holy shit, everybody panic! Get over yourselves. Gay guys have been fucking each other in the ass since the dawn of time, and so far, the earth is still turning. Although to be fair, the sight of Tyler Saint in the theater may or may not incite me to catapult myself at the screen.

...Yeah, can you tell I don't have a shred of dignity to my name?

Nicolas Cage's Career

After a while, you start asking yourself how people have yet to notice that they've become a walking punchline. I'm sure he's done some pretty decent movies in the past (see: Adaptation), but now all his movies revolve around him running around with bad hair, and occasionally, punching women while dressed like a bear.
(Thanks to Cracked for being awesome)
Yup, that's right: Nicolas Cage has become a Lolcat. Get out while you still can!

Why People Don't Watch Their Goddamn Popcorn While It's Still In The Microwave

Dude, burnt popcorn is fucking DISGUSTING. It takes two friggin' minutes for it to pop, so just stand by it so that your snack doesn't turn into a fucking pile of charred suckness. No one wants to smell your nasty-ass, nasal-rapingly bad popcorn.


Lainey said...

GOD, I wish I could hang that sign in our breakroom. But, the whiners would come running to Human Resources to complain and since that's my job, I guess then I might have to do actual work rather than dick around on the internet. So, yeah, that's not an option.

Robert said...

OMG Jeremy - are you serious - there are men who actually stick their dicks into each other's bottoms. I'm sorry are you for real? - I can't believe that happens. I mean if god had meant two men to have sex he would have given them a dick and an arsehole - wait a minute! he or she did - Oh forget I said anything - it is obviosuly a very natural thing to do. Bye I am off to try putting my dick in someone's bum!
x Robert

Anna von Beaverplatz said...

I've never seen how anyone could think gay sex is any less hot than hetero sex. And, oh by the way, it doesn't seem to bother anyone to have two chicks going at it either.

Also, every time i see anyone putting popcorn in the microwave, I ask them if they're going to wait for it so it doesn't burn and stink the joint up. I do it in a joking manner, but I make sure to use that menacing undertone that lets them know I will stab them in the face if I have to smell damned burnt popcorn the rest of the day. 'Cause that smell? It just doesn't go away. So far, it seems to work!

Marra Alane said...

I'm gonna jump on the train and say it's definitely homophobia that gave Bruno an NC-17, but I'm going to now jump off the train and say this: does it bother you that a straight dude is playing up gay stereotypes for laughs? I'm not a huge SBC fan anyway, but this movie itself strikes me as a little homophobic as well.

Although seriously, somebody needs to shut the MPAA down. They're fucking useless.

Jeremy Feist said...

Lainey: Oh come on, you should totally do it! Show 'em all!

Robert: I know, men have sex with eachother? Gasp!

AVB: There is nothing more foreboding than a passive-aggressive tone.

Marra: There's a long story as to my feelings on this, but for now, I'll just go with "That shit is hilarious".

Anonymous said...

First, the fact that Nicolas Cage got Johnny Depp his first real acting job, in my book, gives Nicolas a permanent lifetime "bad movie" hall pass, period. And if you have anything snide to say about Johnny Depp (except for that queeny-lame Disney pirate movie) I will personally come up there and Indian-leg wrestle you skinny Montrealian ass into taking it back!

Second, on the gay sex thing, I gotta ask. What's wrong with you? Sex scenes in regular movies are almost always horrible. Why spoil sex by taking it out of porn where it currently enjoys a healthy, natural existence by inserting it into regular films? Do you really want to mess up a queer relationship on the silver screen by tossing in a sex scene? Did we not learn anything from the whole "Eating Out" series. And before you suggest that adding pussy to the mix would somehow change things up, let me stop you now and tell you that you're wrong. I think "Y tu mamá también" made that quite clear, despite the post-coital morning after denial. You are a demented soul and should hang your head in shame.

*shaking fists in furor*