Movie Week Review #1

The Movie: Race To Witch Mountain

My Guest Tonight: Sarah Larson, of www.anglesearoad.com

Jeremy: Alrighty, so first things first: We can both pretty much agree that the only reason to see this is because The Rock, right?

Sarah: Well, that's certainly what I thought before I actually went to see it. I didn't know who else was in it, except that little blonde girl from The Bridge to Terabithia movie and that other one where she runs around dirty and heralding the apocalypse or whatever. But aaaanyway, I thought this movie was actually pretty cute. Maybe this is because I went in with expectations in the negative integers and was pleasantly surprised by the cheesy goofiness, or maybe it was because I was forced to drag three tiny tots along with me and ANYTHING is better than listening to them bicker over whose bag has more goddamn popcorn in it.

Jeremy: For the most part? It was just...okay? I know that's kind of a boring term here, but that's all it really was. I mean, Johnson's previous kiddie flick, The Game Plan, actually had a genuine warmth to it. This one was pretty much a kiddie-fied Bourne Identity.

Sarah: I never saw The Game Plan. I did, however, see Escape to Witch Mountain when I was, like, six or seven. This movie? Much better. Or funnier, at the very least. I mean, c'mon... Julius Caesar was the government henchman! That's funny! Also, I know this won't mean anything to you because you're only like fifteen and a half years old, but that Natty Gann bit was great. And Dwayne Johnson pulls off that charming smart-mouth humour very well, and Carla Gugino is very pretty.

Jeremy: Fuck you! I am totally legal, jerkface! But yes, Dwayne Johnson oozes charisma out of every pore of his sexy-ass body. Seriously, I may or may not have screamed out "MY GINY TICKLES!" in front of a bunch of nine-year olds. They were less than pleased. Fucking Mickey Mouse...Carla Gugino gave a decent performance, but she just didn't make much of an impact. She just seemed more like the written-in love interest/foil to Dwayne.

Sarah: Dude... it's a Witch Mountain movie. It ain't s'posed to blow yer mind or nuthin'. Frankly, we're damn lucky we got man-pretty and pretty-pretty, plus funny and charming to boot. Have you SEEN the original? I never liked that movie. Even in first grade, I could recognise a hot mess when I saw one. This movie didn't make me think or really impress me in any way whatsoever, but it was painlessly amusing, which is a lot to be thankful for when you're talking about a movie designed for tiny tots. The three kids I was forced to take with me really, REALLY loved it. The oldest girl did, however, have the following critique to offer: "It was really fun, but it was a little long. I think they could've trimmed it down some." She is eight years old. I think she should be immediately made head of at least one major movie studio.

But whatever. Clearly, the most important thing going on in the entire movie was Dwayne Johnson standing around, or sitting around, or walking around, or especially when they showed his ass crawling into that tunnel. He's always been pretty hot, but he's much hotter now that he doesn't wrestle anymore so he's not so bulky and veiny and hulking. I'd let him do a litany of dirty things to me.

Jeremy: I know it was a kid's movie, but then again, so was Coraline, and that movie rocked me so hard I needed a post-coital cig. This one? Entertaining, sure, but it was just so freaking forgettable.

The car chase was really well put together, but for most of the action sequences, the camera was moving around like the guy was filming with one hand and jacking off to The Rock with the other. Not that I can blame him. I mean holy shit, I want to tie The Rock down Lilliputian-style and ride him like a fucking mechanical bull. But still, for an action movie? There really wasn't that much action.

Sarah: Well, they can't all be Coraline. I'm not exactly sure why they can't all be Coraline, but that's just one of the many things wrong with the world. Maybe being around a horde of children since 6am made me numb and complacent in the face of a blissful dark room where they sat still for two hours, but I was just grateful it was mildly entertaining and not something that made my headache worse.

And I disagree with EVERYTHING going on in your second paragraph, crazypants. I would never tie The Rock down, Lilliputian-style or otherwise, because I wouldn't want to limit my options. I'd rather he remain unbound and free to express the full range of his creativity all over my person (preferably repeatedly). Oh, and Race to Witch Mountain? Not really an action movie. It never counts as a real action movie when it's made for second graders. Plus, one of the writers also had a hand in Live
Free or Die Hard, so clearly he wouldn't know a real action movie if it punched him in the face.

Jeremy: Hmmmm...touche. But then again, what did you expect? Anyways, for a kiddie movie, you have to admit, there was quite a bit of action in it. I mean, it had a car chase, it had Dwayne Johnson fighting an alien thing that looked like it had a chode for a head...Although it can't really be called an action flick if The Rock doesn't bother removing his shirt for the entire friggin' movie. Although staring directly at Johnson's bum while he was crawling around a pipe? Hells yeah, bitch! Is it weird that everything we have to say about the movie revolves arond how much we want to totally bang The Rock?

The kids did a pretty good job too, I suppose. Then again, it doesn't exactly take much to talk in robotic exposition while looking blonde and confused. But it's hard to hate on them because when they finally do start showing some range at the end of the movie, they're pretty good. And poor Cheech. How exactly does the guy go from stoner symbol too Cameo in a Disney Movie? Is Jiminey Cricket his dealer or something?

Sarah: Ugh. FINE. I suppose there was a good bit of action, considering that it WAS made for second graders. But since none of the action involved decapitation or gutting people, and The Rock never took off that stupid grey t-shirt, it was not the kind of action in which I was particularly interested. I liked the goofy/lame-o bits better. And no, it is not weird that everything we have to say revolves around how much we want to totally bang The Rock. It would be weird as hell if everything we had to say didn't revolve around that.

And I like that AnnaSophia Robb girl, in spite of her stupid dumb name. I had never heard of that Ludwig kid before, but he didn't make me hope for his character's gory death or anything. He did seem to somewhat favour a squinty-ish, sort of constipated countenance, but there was no actual facial scrunching going on so it didn't bug me too awful much.

Jeremy: I think that was the biggest problem with the movie. It was just too...vague, really. It tried to be an action movie, but it was too soft. It tried to be a kid's movie, but it was too violent. I suppose if you can watch it without trying to lump it into a genre, you can probably better appreciate it for what it is. Although admittedly, it definitely could have used a Dwayne Johnson nude scene. Or at least more shots of his ass.

So all in all? It's a passable popcorn flick. Take the kids to see it. They'll love it, and you'll get an hour and a half of silence while you blow The Rock with your eyes. Don't have kids? Wait until it comes out on DVD or HD-DVD or Netflix or however the fuck you people watch movies nowadays. But hey, it's all worth it for The Rock.

Sarah: Mmm. Blow The Rock with my eyes. I see The Game Plan is on Netflix's insty-watch doodad... it was decent, you say? Did shirtlessness happen? I think I really need to get The Rundown on DVD. And all I have to say about that upcoming Tooth Fairy movie is that it had goddamn better have some nakedness in it. Elementary school kids are very sophisticated these days! They play with Bratz dolls! They can take it! And I need it.

Jeremy: Indeed, kids these days? Whores. Big Whores. Anyways, thanks for your time Sarah! Enjoy fantasizing about The Rock's...thing that rhymes with "rock".

Sarah: Whores, indeed. Especially those fourth grade sluts. Thanks Jeremy! Now if you will excuse me, I'll be in my bunk.

...thinking about a sock.