Saturday, March 7, 2009

Spay and Neuter Your Idiots!

You know what I hate the most about annoying kids? Their parents.

I know, I know, it's unfair to blame the parents for everything. Some responsibility should go to the kids, too, seeing as how you sometimes have to call a spade a spade, or in this case, an annoying little shit an annoying little shit.

The beautiful part of working in a restaurant is that there is no end to the amount of crazy we see. I have two theories as to why this is. The first is that crazy people are drawn to monotonous environments in the hopes of absorbing it via osmosis. The second is that said monotony, when used as a backdrop, only emphasized the level of one's banaramabatshitinsanity. Of course, both of them could be right, but let's not go crazycakes here.

Anyways, point is, annoying kids flock to us like Anne Coulter's vagina to anyone who will further her career*. Case in point, today we had a group of kids who decided that the lobby, where we have customers wait while we set up their table, was a very good place to play full-contact tag. And before you ask, their parents were sitting on the sidelines doing a whole mess o' nothing.

Parents of unruly kids usually fall into one of three camps:

1) Parents who think their precious little snowflakes are simply the bees knees, despite the fact the only areas they excel in are "False sense of entitlement" and "Amount of chins".

2) The Nanny 911 crowd, who act like they will be mercilessly curb-stomped by a group of tiny little hoodlums should they ever say no.

3) The Fuckits, who have given up on raising their children and have resigned themselves to work, smoke, and wait for the sweet, icy embrace of the abyss. Or their kids moving out. Whichever comes first, really.

I'm not asking for your kids to be the fucking Von Trapp family here, but for fuck's sake, would it kill you to get your kids to sit still and not shriek for five minutes?

While I managed to get the kids to calm down by asking them not to run around in a packed lobby (A feat which apparently AMAZED their parents), their have been some goddamn horror stories. The worst I heard thus far was a five year old who actually ran around the kitchen, while his father (who was part of group one) got all pissy at the floor manager for having the gall to ask him to be a competent parent. Needless to say, the kid eventually ran into one of the waiters while he was carrying coffee, and the little shit recieved a Double Venti painuccino in the face. Of course, the father got pissed at us, but hey, if someone tells you not to jump in the tub with a working hairdryer, don't be pissed when your doing the electric jitterbug during bathtime.

The point I'm trying to make is, childish people should not have children. So please, do everything in your power to ensure that stupid people never, ever, EVER procreate. Thank you.


1 comment:

Pants said...

Have I told you that I loved you lately?

I used to hate these lazy bitches who just sat in the corner yapping, whilst Rosemary's babies ran up and down the restaurant ruining my table settings and eating glass from the cracks in the floor. Like it was my job to raise their demon spawn. Hey Lady, fuck you! This is a bar, not a goddamned daycare centre!

In the words of the immortal Russel Howard: "Ban your fanny, until you can take care of what plops out of it!"