Well, I feel like a big ol' bag of grade-A douche. Picture the biggest douche you've ever seen, multiply it by a thousand, and you still won't come anywhere near to how big of a douche I am right now. I told my parents everything, and while my Dad took it with disturbing ease, my mom is, in no uncertain terms, pissed out of her skull. I think more than anything it's the fact that I lied to her (strike one), although the fact that I'm in the business of pleasure sure doesn't help matters (strike two). Tack on the fact that I actually made my older brother cry (strike three) and I'm now sorely tempted to end myself for being such an unmitigated sack of shit.Anyways, while I absolutely despise whiny blog posts, I'm gonna go all S&M on you here and ask you to hate me right now. Take all your frustrations and just dump them on me right now. No, I am entirely serious. I need someone to kick my ass for being such a piece of shit. Don't bother posting wishing me the best or anything. Do that tomorrow or something. For now, let me have it. Throw it all at me right now. Although I do bring up the 30 Rock rule of "Nothing that plugs in".
So, let me have it. Get your haterade on and leave me some shit in the comments, free of charge.
14 comments:
Dear Feisty-
Love. Ever so much love. Families forgive, and your Pajiba family adores you.
But if you're insistent about being hated on today, here's an angry glare from across the room...
...nope. Love.
-Sweetie Dahling
I hate you for liking Taylor Swift.
But that's the best I can do.
Can't do it. You're too much of a sweetheart. But I'll bitch slap a stranger on your behalf.
I hope everything gets better soon Jeremy.
I hate you for being so far away I can't take you out for a drink and have a shitty "I just want to feel sorry for myself" movie marathon afterwards, catered by Pizza Hut and Ben and Jerrys.
I hate you because you have the guts to get a Godtopus tattoo and I don't.
(There, that's the best I can do. But I could never hate you.)
Nice try, small fry. I'll use my angry voice if you like:
SO. You got the OHMIGOD from Mom - well, you do a ballsy job now don't you? Keep your goddamn spine straight and hold that chisled chin up, soldier! There's not a goddamn thing wrong with you or what you've chosen to do. This is YOUR life. More posing, less squirming!
(It'll blow over, honey. Moms never stop loving their kids, no matter how we flail with the unexpected.) xo
Okay... I'll take a swing at it.
I hate you for being kind of a wuss right now. Yeah, I know you think you need some cathartic "emo" purge in order to process this, but really, all that is is just a pansy-ass distraction, probably born out of some Catholic guilt you been carrying around since you were three.
Forget it. I refuse to help you pussy-out on this.
What exactly did you do wrong? Huh? What? No. I really wanna know. Explain it to me.
Oh, you lied to your mom. Well, that's because you're just that kind shit you are; a callous no-good punk who is just looking for the next opportunity to lie to your mom because, well hell, you enjoy it. No, you dumb-ass. You did it because you knew you didn't have a choice. You knew it would hurt her. You lied because wanted to protect her from getting hurt. Well, shit. That's just plain wrong. Absolutely, you should definitely burn in Hell for that sort of thing. You risked emotionally ransoming your own relationship with your mom because you actually cared about her feelings. In other words, your mom means so much to you were willing place your own integrity in jeopardy in order to protect her for the truth. You disgust me.
And the next one, what was it? Oh, okay, it's the "type" of business you choose to pursue. Oh, all right, that's what's so incredibly horrible. Because you're killing unborn babbies and raping puppy dogs. Or is it because it's damn wrong that you made a choice as adult to do something as adult; that you demonstrated that your mom raised you so that you are now capable conducting yourself as an adult, now that your are one, by all social measures. Well, that's just the worse thing any parent can possible do. Please. Give me a fucking break! She may not be thrilled about the means but you pretty much proved that you're capable of surviving and take care of yourself. I'm sorry but that is the minimum most sane parents would want for their children.
And what was the last one? Oh, you made your older brother cry. Fuck, whatever. That's too stupid to even comment on.
You're an adult now, whether like it or not, so I suggest you start acting like one, beginning with facing up to the fact that you're your own man and as such you're going to have meet this problem head on and directly, like a man.
At some point your mom is going to have to respect you for that, at the very least. And the only way that's going to happen is by you insisting that she does. There's no way this is gets easy. That's what they call this shit adult shit. So, suck it and do it...
... or not, in which case you'll wuss your way along until it all dies down, praying that embarrassment and shame gets suitably smoothed over, in some workable but stupid dysfunctional way, and pretending down the road, that it all went away when in fact it didn't, and you didn't.
We all make hard choices and some point in our lives, and mistakes we must live with. I recommend making the one where you leave with your self-respect still intact.
Sterling
*Slow clap for Sterling*
Aside from that, I'm going to wait 'til tomorrow when we're allowed to say nice stuff to you again. 'Cause I've got no hate for an amazing lad like yourself.
I don't understand the directions. Did you do something that deserves hate? If so, you may have to explain it to me in tiny words, because I'm not seeing anything that would warrant hatred or mean words or even unkind thoughts. Sorry, my darling dear.
You told the truth.
And that was the best thing to do.
This too shall pass.
Hi Jeremy,
I am in no mood for going against your wishes today, so I absolutely hate, with amazing loathing, the mole located in between your second and third toe on your left foot.
It is fucking horrible and a blight on a magnificent canvas that portrays one of Canada’s greatest assets.
I cannot believe you have not been considerate enough and had it removed. Your fans have asked time and time again for you to do something about it and you blatantly refuse – what an arrogant insult to your supporter base.
I am so angry with you for not removing the mole; I don’t think I can come back to this blog again. At the very least I am going to go away and sleep on it – you will know my decision tomorrow – you low-life, puss-filled boil on the butt of humanity lol!
X Robert
PS I will now take my tongue out of my cheek and go on to the next blog - you were the first tonight! ... now let’s see, oh yes there it is saving_starving_children_in_east_africa.com. I might follow that with a visit to stop_killing_Canadian_seal_pups.com.
I really hate having to click that "Are you sure you're old enough to read this blog" button every time I come here. It's just infuriating.
Also: you smell.
I can tell through the interwebs.
Sorry, don't hate you, no can do. It's your life and we're not put here to please our parents.
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