Sunday, June 21, 2009

Live-Blogging The Much Music Video Awards

8:00 – Alright, let’s start this bitch off. We’ve got a red carpet, a thousand screaming, teens, and oh look, here’s The Stereos. I’m not sure who they are, but I hate them already.

8:04 – Lights is here, and apparently, she’s fucking an astronaut. Good for her.

8:07 – Alexisonfire is here now, and you know what? I kinda dig ‘em. Like, a lot.

8:09 – Oh God, one of the douchebags from The Hills is here. The one with the doofy fucking tattoo on his side. I’m currently filled with hate.

8:17 – So Perez Hilton showed up looking like he’s got mass amounts of gayness up the anus. And there’s a marching band for some reason. What the fuckedy fuck?

8:19 – Chris Bosh just announced the MuchVibe award, and managed to fuck it up B-E-A-Utifully. Yay Classified!

8:27 – Danny Fernandes is here...Yeah, I have no idea who he is either. Holy fuck is Karl Wolf ever short. He looks like I can dunk him in my coffee.

8:33 – Okay, so the Black Eye Peas are here It’s like they colour coordinated with the express purpose of filling me with rage. The one who looks like Marylin Manson’s gay twin brought along a vinyl slip, just in case you forgot they had a new album out.

8:41 – Awwww, Metric totally got gyped out of an award. Booo, you guys suck. And oh joy, Rumor Willis and Audrina Patridge are here...together. God is dead.

8:46 – Kim Kardashian just “adjusted” herself in front of the camera. Class act, that one is.

8:53 – Not only did Nickelback just arrive, they even won an award. Yeah, Canada sucks quite a bit, don’t we?

9:00 – The show is starting, and The Jonas Brothers are playing. My soul hurts right now. I love how someone had to take his guitar so that he could better move his arms around over-dramatically.

9:04 – Oh good, Alexisonfire is on hand to make everything all better. Mmmm...screamo...

9:13 – Lady Gaga picked up the first award of the night, and HOLY FUCK HER NOSE IS GIGANTIC.

9:18 – Remember that episode of South Park where they made fun of The Jonas Brothers for being annoyingly perky? Well, they weren’t exaggerating. It’s like an even gayer version of a high school glee club.

9:23 – Apparently, Perez Hilton is back stage making fun of people. Back off, bitch, I already called dibs on this one!

9:32 – Oh, Hoo-Fucking-Ray, St. Tila Tequila is here. Seriously, why can’t she just be dead?

9:43 – Yeah, so apparently, Canada has its own version of So You Think You Can Dance, too. Who knew?

9:50 – Gee, The Jonas Brothers managed to pick up an award at the show they were hosting...Wonder how they pulled THAT one off?

9:57 – Oh God...No matter how much they try to make this look spontaneous and sincere, the fact that the Jonas Brothers KEEP LOOKING AT THEIR CUES kinda kills the illusion.

10:01 – I love Kelly much. Why the fuck do people think she’s fat?

10:09 – I have to admit, I actually like Classified, and not just because he’s kinda totally hot.

10:15 – Oh God, The Jonas Brothers are performing again. Ugh. You know what? Instead of listening, I’m just going to rant about them. The big problem with The Jonas Brothers (to me anyways) is that no matter how hard they try to pretend they’re sincere and real, every action they make is so obviously planned and deliberately staged that anything and everything they do turns into some terrifying, Big Brothers scenario.

Okay, rant over.

10:20 – You know, now that I think about it, very little time has been spent actually GIVING OUT AWARDS. Seriously Much Music? What the fuck?

10:30 - Anybody wanna bet on which Jonas Brother is gay? Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe...

10:38 – Okay, I will be the first to admit that Lady Gaga is BEYOND annoying, and quite possibly retarded, but you gotta admit, she’s not bad live. Seriously, girl is ROCKIN’ IT right now.

10:45 – Exactly which merciful god would allow Nickelback to win an award now? Yeah, everyone can pretty much suck it.

10:55 - Nickelback is performing. Well, fuck it, I tried. *Sticks gun in mouth, pulls trigger*

11:00 – Well, there you have it. I think we proved that Canada can suck just as hard as the US when it comes to music. Good night everyone! There is no god!


replica said...

Oh sweet jesus. I abdicate all responsibility for the yout' of today. Except my own. I'll take 'em to darkest Saskatchewan to escape if I have to!

Every single thing you reported made me wince. Whatta cut.

But I adore you for doing what lesser 'nucks cannot. To you from failing hands we throw the torch (of culture), indeed.

DeWayne In San Diego said...

great post Jeremy you were "slicing and dicing" all evening, just the way I like it!

The After Party drama happened after you went to bed!

Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas...

Perez says blood was involved.

Will I.Am says it was ALL ABOUT DICK as in who was acting like a big ole DICK.

Gt caught up here on my blog then Twitter.

Ling said...

Toronto is pretty hot lately, eh? And I don't mean just temperature-wise. Between the Disney chicks crashing a prom and duffing up Perez...

You wish, Montreal.

Jeremy Feist said...

replica: Yeah, Canadian culture is sorely lacking. Pretty much all our shit we jacked from the States.

DeWayne: Nuts...Sadly, I didn't live blog the afterparty. THAT would have been fun!

Ling: Hey, Montreal is fucking AWESOME. And our hockey team is better. WHAT NOW :P