Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Top 10 Rules For Having A Sex Tape

#10: Don't Work In A Job That Involves Kids

This should probably be a given here, but let's face it: Kids deserve the right to be kids and have fun. When they're a little older, THEN they can ruin their lives by having meaningful relationships. That being said, if you work with kids and you have a sex tape, chances are, your ankle-biting stewards will eventually stumble upon you doing the horizontal Mambo.

#9: Don't Use Night Vision

Why the fuck would you use this? If you're gonna tape yourself doing the nasty, wouldn't it make sense to, you know, actually see what you're doing? That, and there's nothing creepier than seeing some dead-eyed, green-skinned zombie slobbering over someone's pocket rocket.

#8: If You're Gonna Have Dialogue, At Least Make It Interesting

There's a long list of things that are okay to say during sex, assuming your mouth hasn't been muffled in some way or another (possibly by cock). Although asking "Where are we?" every couple minutes is not on the list, unless there's some sort of creepy amnesia fetish out there that I'm unaware of. Is amnesia sexy? Someone please say no.

#7: Don't Be Ugly

I'm not saying that everyone who shows up in a sex tape has to be Matthew Rush-Grade specimens of sexiness, but really? If you look like the illegitimate love child of Steve Buscemi and Susan Boyle, please don't tape yourself having sex. Really, it's okay, we don't need to see it. Thanks anyway.

#6: Put Your Pets In Another Room

There is really no reason why Mr. Whiskers has to be on-hand to see you bone your significant other into next week. Just put Lassie in the bathroom or something. You're only gonna last about ten minutes anyhow, so I don't see how they can get in altogether too much trouble.

#5: Location, Location, Location

The set of your illicit deeds really doesn't have to come directly from a copy of Better Homes and Gardens, but if your room looks like a piece of shit, people will make fun of you for it. A lot. In fact, I will probably encourage people to laugh at your poor taste in drapes. In all fairness, it's only because I'm dead inside.

#4: Focus On The Task At Hand (So To Speak)

You wanna know why they invented voice mail? So that people wouldn't have to answer their phones during sex. True story (Note: No it isn't). That being said, if ever you're going to insert various parts of yourself into another persons hot pocket, try to keep your attention on them.

#3: Keep It In The Frame

This is not Cloverfield. You are not being attacked by giant Goat Monsters or being haunted by forest-dwelling witches. There is absolutely no discernible reason why your camera should be shaking like an earthquake. Worst case scenario: Get a fucking tripod already.

#2: Don't Be Famous

This one is pretty much in here for the same reason #10 was thrown in: Statistically speaking, if you're famous, and you have video evidence of you doing the nasty, and it will ruin your career. Why? No idea. Apparently, famous people never have sex or something. I know, weird, right?

#1: Don't Be Paris Hilton

...God I hope you die.


Rusty said...

People think I'm ridiculous for stating that I will never tolerate a camera near me when I'm getting ready to get frisky, but the number of horribly embarrassing sex tapes on the internet is all the support I need. I mean, no one sets out to make a bad sex tape, but the odds are sort of stacked against you. Let's face it, if you're not a trained professional, it's probably not going to be anything worth watching.

Also, Paris Hilton's boobs are slightly smaller than mind and that makes me feel a tiny, weensy bit better about myself. Remembering that I'm not Paris Hilton makes me feel a lot better about myself.

Xtreme said...

I found my ex-girlfriends sex tape she'd made with her ex-boyfriend when she and I were still dating. Needles to say, I watched the whole thing. At first I thought it might be cool, until they actually started having sex, and wow, if I closed my eyes it sounded just like any of the many times she and I had sex, same moans, groans and 'oh my gods'. We broke up not long after that.

On a scale of 1-10, I'd put it at around a 7, she was pretty hot but the camera action was bad. And I only rate it that high because I've had sex with her.

Tim said...

speaking of #5, do you ever go to ? i think that's the link if not google the address, it's exactly what you are talking about

Doran said...

Also, if you have kids, lock the door. Now I'm far from being a prude, but they know you're not wrestling by the time they're four.

I've always followed the "lock them in the closet and slide a pancake under the door twice a day" rule.

Ty said...

Is amnesia sexy? Someone please say no.

Are you kidding me? Of course that is sexy. Look at 50 First Dates. How could you not have sex with someone for the first time...everytime. Plus if you were horrible or did something rather violating...they wouldn't remember. Yeah, I said it.