Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What Would The Neighbors Think? If They Only Knew...

With only three more days before I move into my first apartment, I'm currently doing the walk down memory lane that comes with packing all your belongings into various little cardboard boxes.

My God, is memory lane ever a shitty street.

Not to say I don't love and enjoy my family. Quite the contrary really. But looking back on my previous life, it's a little, oh what's the word...Oh yes, depressing. This shit is depressing. The years spent being the picture of obedience and good behavior, rarely missing class, getting good grades, never going out to parties...And look how I turned out. Kind of a far cry, isn't it?

I secretly wonder what the town will say when they find out one of their own is a gay porn star. The over-wrought displays of pity, the behind-the-back gossip, and the names. Oh, the names they'll call me...because apparently, I would be the first person to have sex in the history of Pointe-Claire.

The shame. Oh what a shame I'll be.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly thrilled about it. If I said I wouldn't be watching with schadenfreudian glee as they lined up to throw stones in their glass houses. If I said I wouldn't wear my scarlet letter with pride, while their sons and daughters themselves burned through a list of various pharmaceuticals, drove drunk and, worst of all, looked at porn. Won't somebody please think of the children?

The truth is, we're all dirty birds; I just flew the cage is all. The parents who line up in front of my door with pitchforks and torches will, invariably, have kids as fucked up as I am. The only difference is, I own my sluttiness. Deny it all you want, but the only reason anyone does anything is for sex. Advancement of the species and all; you get my drift? I'm just more upfront about it, instead of throwing up a face of moral superiority.

Hell, just look at the oh-so-proper school I went to. Right now, there are something like 700 mothers and fathers paying thousands upon thousands of dollars to send their kids to a good school. But oh, the seedy underbelly of it. Not only is the faculty largly homophobic, but the one gay teacher that I ever saw there was fired within his first year when the the heads of staff, compromised of priests and catholics, made up a story about him having an affair with a student. Apparently, the forgot to read the parts of the bible about not being a total dick.

The shame, oh what a shame I'll be.

They'll hate me once they find out, and to be honest, I absolutely can't wait. The difference between me and them is, there's not a goddamn thing they can do to me anymore. I, on the other hand, can ruin them. Who would want to send their kid to the catholic school that gay porn star came from? They'd be finished.

Sorry for the overall sense of bleakness to the post, but I've finally come to the realization that I am un-fucking-stoppable. I am a force of nature in cheap-ass jeans and a skinny, slacker frame. When my time is done, I'll have gone places, met people and done things that these people only dream about. And I'll have had fun doing it.

The shame, oh what a shame I'll be...


Mareczku said...

"They'll hate me once they find out, and to be honest, I absolutely can't wait." Yeah, Jeremy, it is kind of bleak. That comment really, really, really made me think.

Peace - Mark

Anonymous said...

FUCK YES! I didn't think this was bleak, I think its great that you're owning what you do and not making excuses for yourself like all the hypocrites at your old school and in your town. I'm so glad things are going well for you- I know it can feel selfish sometimes but its important to put your own happiness first, so good on you!
Cath :)

Robert said...

Welcome Jeremy to the hedonistic, narcissistic, vain, self-centred but most importantly - hysterical world of being a “gay player”.
Never apologies I say! I find the greatest thing about being gay is that I no longer have to play by their rules. I think there are no real rules in the gay world as it is ostensibly unchartered territory when compared to the evolution of humans. I hope I never compromise the unique and creative aspects of a gay lifestyle and that I continue to discover values that reflect my sexuality.
Excuse me while I get off my soap box to give you a big hug from Oz and present you with your “free” membership card to the underworld – the dimension that is full of happy, sad, friendly, tragic, ugly, talented, insincere, empathetic, frivolous, tasteful, conniving and beautiful gay people. I hope you meet more of the good guys than the bad along the way.
X Robert

DeWayne In San Diego said...

I loved this of course.

12 years after HS I was at a party where the smoke from multiple bongs was thick and people were absolutely shitfaced.

When I saw her, former Cheerleading captain at our HS, glazed. She noticed me, said hi who is your friend winking. I introduced her to my BF.

She then introduced the BullDyke nibbling her ear off and started laughing hysterically.

"What would Tim LaHaye say about us reprobates"

Hmm I said not much considering some of the rumors about his family.

And years later I found out a former Sunday School teacher is a Domintrix on Craigslist!

Jeremy welcome to the Pleasuredome!

Let the saints bore themselves silly!

Of course I linked this and a certain purty picture of you post shoot!

Mareczku said...

Actually Jeremy, they probably won't hate you. You might be a topic of conversation, but hate, nah. Some may think you are wild and crazy and somewhat twisted but that isn't hate.

Be good and have a hug - Mark

Jeremy Feist said...

Mark: It's not that I like people hating me, but I don't want to be adored people like that is all.

Cath: It is a little selfish, yeah, but I think after this long pleasing others, I deserve to be selfish.

Robert: It's not a necessarily gay thing, I think everyone deserves the chance to be happy!

Dewayne: See what I mean? We're all dirty birds. It's fun to see the seedy under bellies of people who try to be all pure and good...

Bigg said...

I'm glad you've got no regrets. I for one endorse that completely - because nobody knows better than me how regrets can ruin your life.

Mareczku said...

Jeremy, I have to comment on your comment to DeWayne. The pure and good comment struck a nerve. I think of my one teacher, "Father Perfect" who looked down his nose at me. I guess he wasn't all that pure and good since he had a thing for having sex with underage boys. I think he needed to grow up and find a boyfriend his own age.