Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Zombies vs. Vampires

Well, I could do a serious post on Sri Lanka or something like that, but no. Instead I will be using my time to debate the pros and cons of things that don't exist. Honestly, if print media ran more articles about the undead, maybe they wouldn't be as totally fucked as they are right now.

1. Movies

To date, there have been only two vampire movies worth a flying fuck: Dracula and Let The Right One In (for the sake of my sanity, I'm just gonna pretend that the impending remake, Let Me In, doesn't exist). Other than that, it's been a sea of absolute shit, with Van Helsing and Twilight immediately springing to mind.

There is no such thing as a bad zombie movie. On top of the fantastic 28 Days and 28 Weeks, we've also had Shaun of the Dead, The Evil Dead trilogy, Dawn of the Dead...Hell, even the shitty Zombie flicks like Zombie Strippers are hilariously awesome.

Zombies, naturally. Vampire movies fucking suck. My apologies to all the out-of-touch tweens out there, but Edward Cullen is a fucking pussy.

2. Foes

Along with the aforementioned Van Helsing, Vamps also have a natural enemy in Buffy Summers. And of course, later on they would have an entire goddamn army of women who can kick ass on a paranormal level to deal with. And Willow. Don't forget Willow! Basically, vampires are fuh-UCKED.

There haven't been many definitive zombie-slayers, with the exception of Ash from the Evil Dead trilogy. Bruce Campbell with a chainsaw for an arm? Fuck yeah, dude.

Vampires. Let's face it: Buffy was fucking AWESOME. As much as I love me some Chainsaw-Campbell, Buffy was badass on levels never thought to have existed. Point for the vamps!

3. Fuckability

While there are a multitude of vampires from True Blood that many of you would find fuckable, let's face it: Any of that cool, forbidden charm that vampires once had has been forever lost thanks to the throngs of tweens who can't quite understand that Edward Cullen DOES NOT EXIST.

Okay, this can kinda go either way. On one hand, they're corpses. On the other hand, thus far, Jenna Jameson, Francois Sagat and Rocco Giovanni have all portrayed zombies. You cannot tell me that you wouldn't sleep with any of the above.
Zombies. Although I blame this victory on the fact that, let's face it, gay porn stars are teh sexy.
...I'll be in my bunk.

4. Powers

Oh Godtopus, what don't these guys have...They can fly, they can turn into bats, wolves and fog, they have super strength, they can hypnotize you, and they feed on your blood. Vampires will fuck your shit up.

Ummmmm...Well, they can survive massive amounts of pain without dying, and they can turn others into zombies, and...yeah, that's about it.

Vampires. Honestly, the perks alone are worth switching over to the undead. Who wouldn't want to be able to turn into a bat?

5. Weaknesses

They may have a shit-ton of powers, but just about everything can kill a vampire. Wooden stake through the heart, decapitation, Holy water, crosses, sunlight, garlic, burning...Everything short of a cold can kill these guys off.

There is only one way to kill a zombie: Destroy the brain. Nothing else will destroy them. You can set them on fire, riddle them with bullets, hack off all their limbs, but they'll keep coming. Forever. And the screaming...Oh God, the screaming...It never stops. WHY WON'T IT STOP?



The Winner Is...

Zombies! Take up your mantle as the reigning champions of the undead!


Drew said...

Drewbie1985@Jeremy_Feist But but for vamps buff is a good one and blade :) and yes though twilight fucked it up and true blood is good as well.
2 minutes ago from web in reply to Jeremy_Feist

and that rocco guy yum.

Lord Thundercox said...


I'll be in my bunk.

DeWayne In San Diego said...

Vamps any day!

Who hasnt had a desire to be sucked dry by a Vamp? Hmm Gay Boys or Girls its all a secret fantasy.

Who wants to be Zombie Cheetoes? I am also partial to keeping my brain intact! Zombies are vile and disgusting while Vamps are sexy and hypnotic.

Hey if I got to go I want it to be in Ecstasy, with blood draining away.

Not hearing a noise similar to someone eating Frito Lays while scarfing down my ears!

I do have to admit your right about the "Movie depictions"

Shaun Of the Dead and 28 Days are my two top Zombie flicks.

The original Spanish Dracula and for comedy with a bite...

Once Bitten (yeah with Jim Carey)
and Love at First Bite (George Hamilton)

Drew said...

I did like shaun of the dead for zombies though.

Anna von Beaverplatz said...

See? I told you. Vampires are teh sexay. Zombies? um, no.

JC said...

You clearly have a bias, dawg. Anyone who'd fuck a zombie has a bias. Vampires, on the other hand, come out of sexual fantasy.

That's kinda what I dont like about Vampires. It's like-- am I supposed to be scared of u cuz you're pretty?

Zombies scare the fuck outta me. Zombie moives-- even funny ones, give me nightmares for months. It's the dead thing.

In closing:
Vampires = wack, overdone.
Zombies = gross, scary.
Werewolves = fucking hot

Optimus Rhyme said...

No more good vampire movies? I present "From Dusk Till Dawn" as a fantastic vampire flick AND it features Salma Hayek as a Stripper vampire.
I demand a recount!

Rebecca said...

Don't forget 'Shadow of the Vampire' for good vampire movies!

Anonymous said...

Whoa, you forgot Interview With A Vampire! That movie's awesome. I don't care what anyone says. That was the only decent thing Kirsten Dunst ever did.

Jeremy Feist said...

Drew: Aww, shit I forgot about Blade...good call!

Thundercox: We'll be in your bunk...together...making sex.

DeWayne: Ummmm...sweetie? What exactly the fuck are you doing with Cheetoes?

AVB: Boooo, vamps are okay, but the combined sexiness of Francois and Rocco? TRUMPS ALL.

JC: On the monster hotness scale, Werewolves have always ranked #1. But zombies are pretty close.

Optimus: No shit, there are Vampire Strippers? I smell a cross-over!

Rebecca: I never saw that one, so I don't count it. I HAVE DECIDED!

AudioSuede: Aw shit, you're right...Oh well. I HAVE DECIDED!

Matt the Great! said...

Vampires win hands down. They are sly and cunning. garlic, crosses and holy water do not kill them. According to Bram Stoker (the authority on vamps) a vampire can only be killed by a stake through the heart or decapitation. Sunlight does not kill them, it only weakens them severely. In fact, they can pass for normal people in the day.

Again, VAMPIRES RULE, mostly because they can actually think for themselves.

Anonymous said...

i submit, that if the day comes, the military could take out the vampires in a week , tops. but the zombies? well "Two hundred million zombies. Who can even visualize that type of number, let alone combat it?...For the first time in history, we faced an enemy that was actively waging total war. They had no limits of endurance. They would never negotiate, never surrender. They would fight until the very end because, unlike us, every single one of them, every second of every day, was devoted to consuming all life on Earth." — General Travis D'Ambrosia, Supreme Allied Commander, Europe

i don't think so. in fact, i believe that if the undead ever go all in against us humans the vampires will side with us if only to protect thier food supply. zombiies? not a chance.

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