Looking Back On The Beginning

With the blog turning a year-old recently, I've been meaning to re-do my first-post again, wherein I list a bunch of totally useless facts about me, and since I have absolutely nothing even remotely interesting to day tonight, I figured I might as well finally get back on it. Anyways, once again, here's a bunch of random, useless shit about me...

1: In high school, my nickname was "Jer Bear", which is kind of ironic considering my body type.

2: Actually, now that I mention it, I am naturally hairy. Like, really hairy. A lot of people look good in fur, but I'm not one of them. Honestly, it looks like someone stapled a welcome mat on my chest. I'm sure one day I'll let it grow, but right now, it just looks weird on me.

3: When I'm having a bad day, I'll sometimes go to the pet store and play with the puppies. It doesn't matter how shitty I feel, puppies make me feel instantly better.


4: I'm 18, and I've STILL never done drugs. I think I once took all of ONE hit of weed, but that was about it. Yeah, I know, I'm totally boring.

5: I fell asleep watching The Matrix, Spider-Man and Lord of the Rings. The last one was in the actual theater.

6: When I was young, I used to play Super Mario World at my cousin's house all the time, which has since bloomed into a prolonged love affair with video games, as well as a deep-seated hatred for Piranha Plants.


7: The first crush I ever had (no, not Andrew, this was before that) resulted in me becoming Anorexic for five months. I still consider it to be the biggest mistake I ever made.

8: My biggest fear is dying alone. I know I'm supposed to believe in the whole "I don't need a man to validate me" thing, but come on...I've never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend! I think I'm due here. Oh, and spiders. I'm also afraid of spiders.

9: I'm not sure why, but back rubs make me sleepy, no matter what I'm doing or where I am.

10: When I was born, my grandmother said I was going to be a writer, which coincidentally, is exactly what I want to be. To be fair, she also said I was going to be quite the ladies man, so Granny is pretty much batting .500 here.

11: I was raised on Shania Twain and The Dixie Chicks, which has since resulted in a certain fondness for crappy country pop. Shut up, I'm allowed to have guilty pleasures.

12: I secretly wish I had a third nipple. I know it sounds weird, but I always thought it would be cool to walk around with extra teats.

13: I'm pretty sure I have OCD, which manifests itself as an obsession with angles and time.

14: I took piano lessons for a while when I was a kid, until I realized that taking lessons to play an instrument sucks all the fun out of it.

15: I share my real last name with a classic silver-screen actor, and almost half the time I introduce myself, they always ask if I'm related to him. I'm not.

16: I went to the same high school as Sam Roberts, and was in the same class as the cousin of one of the members from The Arcade Fire.


17: I secretly have a huge yet totally unfulfilled love of kink. You know...Leather, Whips, Chains, shit like that. I draw the line at leather hats though, because let's face it, leather hats look retarded on anyone.

18: Muscle guys make me go all weak in the knees. I'm sure Freud would say something about how it's just some unresolved daddy issue, but really, pretty biceps are just hot, aren't they?


19: I hate getting excited about anything, as the universe has this funny way of either (A) ensuring it never happens, or (B) killing someone on the day it's supposed to happen. And that's why I never get excited about anything.

20: My absolute BIGGEST pet peeve is being stood up. Hate it. Absolutely hate it. I don't care what you're doing, you could at least have the decency to let me know if your plans change instead of making me hunt you down for some fucking answers, you dick.

21: Second biggest pet peeve: Yes, I get it, I'm a twink. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea here, but stop treating me like a retarded, spoiled teenager. Yeah, you may be bigger than me, but I can still write a 1000-word dissertation on Nietzsche before you could so much as shit out a haiku. Yeah, I'm not huge. If you don't like it, feel free to go suck a fuck.

22: That being said, I occasionally watch Sesame Street. Yeah, I know it's a kids show, but come on...Muppets! It has MUPPETS! Also, how many shows do you know have had Feist, Tina Fey and Ricky Gervais as guest stars? Exactly.

23: I think The Beatles are overrated. Like, REALLY overrated. I know they're supposed to be the greatest band ever and all, but I always thought they were totally boring.

24: As a kid, I believed Bloody Mary actually existed. No, I'm not joking. I couldn't even so much as be in front of a mirror for years.


25: I hate Facebook chat. With a passion. Holy christ, if I wanted to talk to people I haven't seen in six years, I'd go to my grade school reunion.

Well, there it is. You now have a metric fuck-ton of useless shit about me. Spiffy, huh?

Why People with Tourette's Shouldn't Sell Cars

Yes, I know this isn't a real commercial, but fuck you, I kinda wish it was.

Well This Explains A Lot...

Seriously, her obsession with children, her overall unpleasant demeanor, her freaky ass hair...I you think about it, it kinda makes sense, doesn't it?

Who Wore It Better? Jeremy Feist vs. Katy Perry

It's the battle of the people who wear pizza as clothing! Who wore it better? My more revealing (yet cheaper) medium pepperoni pizza, or Katy Perry's more modest (yet pricier) cheese pizza? Vote now!

Five Freebies Friday

#5: Justin Chambers

Because he looks good scuba diving. Mmmmmm...



#4: Josh Duhamel

Because he went on the record saying he wanted to punch Perez Hilton in the face.



#3: Til Schweiger

Because the new trailer for Inglourious Basterds looks AWESOME.



#2: Johnny Depp

Because he left a $4,000 tip on a $4,400 bill.



#1: Wolf Hudson

Because he just lost is idol here. Come on, dude needs a huggle right now.



(Actually, come to think of it, being forced to do me would probably make things worse...Never mind)

The Beat Goes On

Michael Jackson may be dead, but his legacy lives on. Honestly, turn on the radio right now and the first person you'll hear was probably influenced in some way by Michael Jackson. Say what you will, but let's face it: He was a musical genius who paved the way for many of today's, and tomorrow's, artists. To be honest, I was born too late to fully appreciate him, so I guess the best way to commemorate him is with this:

I Love You, Kelly Clarkson

I've always been pretty fond of Kelly Clarkson, but this video right here has me mad girl-crushing on her. Seriously? Not only is she joking about Perez Hilton getting socked in the face, she's literally LAUGHING AT HIS PAIN. You have no idea how awesome this is. I love you Kelly Clarkson. If ever you would like to marry a Gay Porn Star, I'll be right here waiting, honey.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever I Am...

You know, it's weird sometimes...I just had a conversation with Matt where he basically told me that I had zero self-confidence (yeah, I know, what a shocker) and that if I was going to continue acting like that, no one would want me. I mean, I know I'm not exactly my biggest fan here, but I always kinda felt that I was justified in thinking that. But I'm not sure anymore. It's like when someone tells a joke and everyone gets the punchline but you. Wonder what it would be like to look in the mirror and see what the hell everyone else sees in me. I don't know...Somewhere down the line I forgot who I was, and it's like now that I'm stripping and doing porn and all that I'm starting to figure out who I am. And you know what? It's not that bad. It could certainly be worse I guess.

Live-Blogging The Much Music Video Awards

8:00 – Alright, let’s start this bitch off. We’ve got a red carpet, a thousand screaming, teens, and oh look, here’s The Stereos. I’m not sure who they are, but I hate them already.

8:04 – Lights is here, and apparently, she’s fucking an astronaut. Good for her.

8:07 – Alexisonfire is here now, and you know what? I kinda dig ‘em. Like, a lot.

8:09 – Oh God, one of the douchebags from The Hills is here. The one with the doofy fucking tattoo on his side. I’m currently filled with hate.

8:17 – So Perez Hilton showed up looking like he’s got mass amounts of gayness up the anus. And there’s a marching band for some reason. What the fuckedy fuck?

8:19 – Chris Bosh just announced the MuchVibe award, and managed to fuck it up B-E-A-Utifully. Yay Classified!

8:27 – Danny Fernandes is here...Yeah, I have no idea who he is either. Holy fuck is Karl Wolf ever short. He looks like I can dunk him in my coffee.

8:33 – Okay, so the Black Eye Peas are here and...ummm...wow. It’s like they colour coordinated with the express purpose of filling me with rage. The one who looks like Marylin Manson’s gay twin brought along a vinyl slip, just in case you forgot they had a new album out.

8:41 – Awwww, Metric totally got gyped out of an award. Booo, you guys suck. And oh joy, Rumor Willis and Audrina Patridge are here...together. God is dead.

8:46 – Kim Kardashian just “adjusted” herself in front of the camera. Class act, that one is.

8:53 – Not only did Nickelback just arrive, they even won an award. Yeah, Canada sucks quite a bit, don’t we?

9:00 – The show is starting, and The Jonas Brothers are playing. My soul hurts right now. I love how someone had to take his guitar so that he could better move his arms around over-dramatically.

9:04 – Oh good, Alexisonfire is on hand to make everything all better. Mmmm...screamo...

9:13 – Lady Gaga picked up the first award of the night, and HOLY FUCK HER NOSE IS GIGANTIC.

9:18 – Remember that episode of South Park where they made fun of The Jonas Brothers for being annoyingly perky? Well, they weren’t exaggerating. It’s like an even gayer version of a high school glee club.

9:23 – Apparently, Perez Hilton is back stage making fun of people. Back off, bitch, I already called dibs on this one!

9:32 – Oh, Hoo-Fucking-Ray, St. Tila Tequila is here. Seriously, why can’t she just be dead?

9:43 – Yeah, so apparently, Canada has its own version of So You Think You Can Dance, too. Who knew?

9:50 – Gee, The Jonas Brothers managed to pick up an award at the show they were hosting...Wonder how they pulled THAT one off?

9:57 – Oh God...No matter how much they try to make this look spontaneous and sincere, the fact that the Jonas Brothers KEEP LOOKING AT THEIR CUES kinda kills the illusion.

10:01 – I love Kelly Clarkson...so much. Why the fuck do people think she’s fat?

10:09 – I have to admit, I actually like Classified, and not just because he’s kinda totally hot.

10:15 – Oh God, The Jonas Brothers are performing again. Ugh. You know what? Instead of listening, I’m just going to rant about them. The big problem with The Jonas Brothers (to me anyways) is that no matter how hard they try to pretend they’re sincere and real, every action they make is so obviously planned and deliberately staged that anything and everything they do turns into some terrifying, Big Brothers scenario.

Okay, rant over.

10:20 – You know, now that I think about it, very little time has been spent actually GIVING OUT AWARDS. Seriously Much Music? What the fuck?

10:30 - Anybody wanna bet on which Jonas Brother is gay? Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe...

10:38 – Okay, I will be the first to admit that Lady Gaga is BEYOND annoying, and quite possibly retarded, but you gotta admit, she’s not bad live. Seriously, girl is ROCKIN’ IT right now.

10:45 – Exactly which merciful god would allow Nickelback to win an award now? Yeah, everyone can pretty much suck it.

10:55 - Nickelback is performing. Well, fuck it, I tried. *Sticks gun in mouth, pulls trigger*

11:00 – Well, there you have it. I think we proved that Canada can suck just as hard as the US when it comes to music. Good night everyone! There is no god!

Five Freebies Friday (June 19th, 2009)

#5: Ryan Reynolds




#4: Ryan Reynolds




#3: Ryan Reynolds




#2: Ryan Reynolds



#1: Ryan Reynolds



Yeah, I cheated a bit, but come on...IT'S RYAN FREAKING REYNOLDS HERE!

Hello, Mr. Bitey!

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USC 2257: The Bane of My Fucking Existence

Have you ever been on one of those dinners with friends from high school where everyone around you is all like "Oh, I'm a doctor" or "Really? I'm a lawyer!" and you're in the background like "Yeah, I'm still waiting tables." Well, that's where I'm at right now. I haven't shot a scene in almost a month, my mom thinks I'm human scum, and out of the dozens of studios to which I've sent pleading applications, I've gotten, oh let's see here...Oh, that's right, nothing. Zip. Nada. Nothing. I'm trying to remain optimistic here but there's only so many times you can get the proverbial door proverbially slammed in your big fat proverbial face before you start getting proverbially accustomed to it.

Proverbially, of course.

I know it's only the amateur circuit thus far, but come on, I've still worked with some decently well-known sites here! Anyways, besides the fact that I look like I got kicked in the face by a mule, and the fact that I pretty much become invisible if I turn sideways, there's one other unfortunate bit of fuckery keeping me out of the States: USC 2257.

Basically, it boils down to this: In order to work the adult film circuit in the US, you have to be an adult (i.e. over the age of 18 years, obviously), which I can fully support. Kids deserve to be kids after all. However, this one other completely useless add-on to this annoying piece of legislature: You have to be a US citizen, or else have a visa, to model.

This is where it gets annoying: Not only is immigration damn near IMPOSSIBLE to successfully navigate when you're trying to go down with a more socially accepted job, but they will (or so I've heard) do everything in their goddamn power to keep you from coming down and making the super-happy-sexy-fun-times...at least on camera, anyways. Basically, you can go down, do unspeakable things with a dog or whatever, but so God help us should two consenting adults make a business decision involving sex. Because that would be bad.

This is just annoying as hell because (A) this is putting a serious damper on my as-of-yet still fleeting career, (B) It's a bunch of protectionist bullshit that's keeping a lot foreign talent out of the fun, and (C) even if you CAN figure out a way to work with the system, it will take forever to get around it. Just my luck, I live in America's Hat. Whoopee.

Anyways, right now I can do one of the following:

1) Become a citizen of the US (Impossible, but it would definitely be good for me long-term)

2) Get a Visa (Somewhat less impossible, but still pretty hard and short-term)

3) Work Illegally (Easier, but you know, ILLEGAL)

4) Quit Porn (Not happening. If I have to come out to my mom about this, I might as well milk this cow for all it's worth)

Anyways, if anyone knows anyway I can get some goddamn work in the US, email me, twitter me, facebook me, leave me comments, send a fucking carrier pigeon for all I care, but come on, universe, throw me a fucking bone here! You owe me already!

Game Over

Yeah, about the whole "White Flag" thing I had going with mom? Well, that ceasefire ended about as quickly as I thought it would be sincerely wished it wouldn't have. Oh joy. My crippling fear of rejection is not helping matters either, so needless to say, not in a happy place right now.

The weird thing is, I thought we were doing pretty well. Everything seemed to be on the way to sunshine and happiness, and then BAM! She emotionally blindsides me while we're walking the dog. Ooooo, hold up, it gets better: She called me a stupid child, said she was ashamed of me and that I had to start paying for myself.

I'm just ecstatically happy right now. Can't you tell?

Oh wait wait wait...It gets better: My mom texted me while I was at Adonis saying that I didn't love her and I had an emotional breakdown upstairs in the break room. Awesome!

But whatever. I've decided not to talk to her until she starts acting her age, instead of acting like a spoiled child who didn't get their way. You know what? Yeah, she's hurting, but so am I. The difference is, I actually care about her feelings. Oh, and I;m not accusing her of not loving me. So until she's willing to calm down and have a rational discussion? Nuh-uh. I'm not playing these weird little mind games.

Happy Birthday, Notes on Bar Napkins!

As if you need another reason to think that I am, in fact, a total retard, I have officially crossed the one-year threshold for blogging without even noticing. That's right: Notes on Bar Napkins is officially a year old. Well, technically, it's a year and two days old, but only ass-hats count days, so fuck that shit in the ear.

Anyways, one year, two days, 278 posts, six jobs, two heartbreaks, four porn scenes, thirty-eight followers, one high school diploma and two tattoos later, what have I learned? Well, I'm not really sure. I'm sure as hell not the same person I was a year ago, that's to be sure. I've grown a thicker skin, my brain has sharpened, yet on the inside I'm still soft, warm and gooey. Kinda like a Cadbury Cream Egg, only not delicious.

Well, for now, I'm just gonna keep on truckin'. Granted, I still have no idea what I'm doing, I currently have zero porn studios knocking at my door asking for a scene, and I'm still trying to mend my relationship with my family, but I'm gonna keep trying. Who knows? Maybe eventually I'll figure things out.

Raising the White Flag

So there's a distinct possibility that in my neurotic freak-out, I may have overreacted a tad. Yeah, I know, me over-dramatizing things. I'm as shocked as you are. To be honest with you, it looks like Mama Feist and I have gotten everything we needed to say out in the open. Or at the very least, we've gotten what we needed to say out there. Granted, there's definitely still more I need to tell her about myself. Who I am, the people I've met, where I'm going with my life. But to be perfectly honest with you, there's still a lot about myself that I don't know. I have some soul searching to do.

To be honest with you, I've been thinking of grabbing my car and touring the states, as some sort of Cross-Country Pajibacon tour. Mind you, this idea works better in theory as it does in practice, as something like this would require more dough than an industrial-size bakery. Considering the fact that my funds are nowhere near up to snuff for something like this, I don't think it'll be happening. Still, it's a nice thought, and if anyone has any idea how to make it happen, feel free to drop me a line.

Anyways, self-important soul-searching aside, my home life is thankfully much better than previously determined. Sometimes a heaping plateful of freshly-baked cookies is a good way to mend a burnt-ass bridge. Granted, she's still not really diggin' my job too hard, but I think we're past the stage involving apologizing, anger or any other shit of that ilk, and being on the up is for shizz better than where we were before. We may not agree with each other right now, but the white flags are flying, and we seem to be at a ceasefire. Gotta take what you can get at this point.

Five Freebies Friday (June 12, 2009)

#5: Brad Pitt

For the classic sexiness of Fight Club.



#4: Jon Stewart

For completely obliterating the douchebags at Morning Joe.



#3: Jason Sparks

For letting me know I'm not alone in the whole "Parental shame" bit.



#2: Chad Manning

For his hotness, which is only fueling my raging Twitter addiction.



#1: David Beckham

For...Really, do you need a reason?

Put 'Em Up

Well, thank you to the big celestial man upstairs, I am now offially past the weepy-emo-bullshit phase of my mourning. Hum Hallelujah. After a while, you can only apologize for yourself so much before you sit back and think "Hmmmm...maybe it's them and not me". A special thanks to Sterling who managed to verbally bitch slap me out of my funkedy funk. Sometimes you just need someone to beat the shit out of you before you can shut your freaking gob and get your slacker ass in gear.

The past couple nights at Adonis have been rough. Have you ever tried being sexy when you know your mother thinks you're a crippling disappointment and that if you were on fire, she wouldn't piss on you to put you out. Seriously, try it. It's not gonna happen. The first night was just the typical "Blah, my mom hates me. Commence sulking" bullshit. The second night I was actually doing decently well until this one asshole showed up.

I met him once or twice before, and he added me on Facebook, so he kinda knew about my deal with the parental units. Well, he manages to drag me down by talking about them ad nauseum, asks me if I can give him a lift home after work, then tries to set me up with a seemingly-nice kid who appeared to be the illegitimate love child of Zac Efron and Animal from Electric Mayhem. I won't go into details, but the conversation basically went like this...

Asshole: "Hey, sorry your Mom pretty much abandoned you. Want to hob this random strangers knob?"

Me: "Step off my grill, Gromet, My ass is not your McDonalds."

Efron-Animal: "Why won't you smile? Don't be sad, smile!"

Me: "You seem like a nice kid, but tell me to smile again and I will straight up shank you, perv-bot".

As you can see, this conversation went nowhere. Eventually I just went upstairs into the faux-shower room, took deep breaths, and envisioned myself running him down in my bucket of a car, then throwing it in reverse and going in for sloppy seconds. I'm normally not the murderous type (oh who am I kidding. Of course I am) but I have to admit I wouldn't have minded seeing him take a sharp object to at least one of his extremities.

Anyways, this means that I'm now at the point where I am not even gonna bother trying to apologize for myself anymore. Obviously, I'm never going to be able to tell her exactly what she wants to hear, so I'm doing the next best thing and telling her the truth. What she chooses to do with it is her problem.

You know what? I can understand that she doesn't respect what I do, but I honestly don't see why that would justify her not respecting me as a person. If she's going to keep treating me like shit, I'm not about to stand around while she makes me feel bad about what I do. She's getting the truth, whether she likes it or not. It's fight time. Dukes up, Mom.

Hate Me, Please

Well, I feel like a big ol' bag of grade-A douche. Picture the biggest douche you've ever seen, multiply it by a thousand, and you still won't come anywhere near to how big of a douche I am right now. I told my parents everything, and while my Dad took it with disturbing ease, my mom is, in no uncertain terms, pissed out of her skull. I think more than anything it's the fact that I lied to her (strike one), although the fact that I'm in the business of pleasure sure doesn't help matters (strike two). Tack on the fact that I actually made my older brother cry (strike three) and I'm now sorely tempted to end myself for being such an unmitigated sack of shit.

Anyways, while I absolutely despise whiny blog posts, I'm gonna go all S&M on you here and ask you to hate me right now. Take all your frustrations and just dump them on me right now. No, I am entirely serious. I need someone to kick my ass for being such a piece of shit. Don't bother posting wishing me the best or anything. Do that tomorrow or something. For now, let me have it. Throw it all at me right now. Although I do bring up the 30 Rock rule of "Nothing that plugs in".

So, let me have it. Get your haterade on and leave me some shit in the comments, free of charge.

Godtopus Built My Pornjiba

Alright, so after last night's panic attack, it looks like my mom doesn't know. And if she does, she's not saying. Well, my aunt and cousins know, so this right here is something of a ticking time bomb. As it turns out, my cousin must have left her Twitter account open, which my aunt then read. That means that my aunt now probably knows all about my career, and it's really only a matter of time before the parental units find out.

Shit.

I'm a little pissed right now, mostly because I told my cousin when she started following me that she couldn't tell anybody about anything I put on Twitter. Obviously, that didn't work out too well, did it? I mean yes, it was an accident, but she knew what I put up there was our secret, and she spilled it. Great.

Anyhoodle, in other news, I got me a spiffy new tattoo today. I'm sure the Pajibans will get a kick out of this, but for those of you who don't know, this right here is The Godtopus. Just google it or something.

Well...This Isn't Good

It's official: members of my family know I'm working at Adonis right now. Fuck Fuck Fucking Fuckedy Fuck McFucksocks. And shit. This isn't good. This is like the most not good thing that could happen to me right now. Shitballs.

And before you ask, no, I'm not 100% sure who told them or how they found out. Right now, my theory is that my cousin who follows me on Twitter read about it and told some of them, which really doesn't do much to help matters. And if she's not the one who told them, then someone else did, and that would also be really, really bad. Not good. SOOOOO not good.

Anyways, if I'm right, and my cousin was the one who told them, that means she probably knows about my porn career, and they know my porn name, and shit shit shit shit shit shit this is bad. I really really hate that someone would tell my family behind my back about this. I really do. I hate the fact that I have to lie to my family about what I do, because there's nothing wrong with what I do, it's just the society we're raised in. I wanted to tell them when I was ready, and the fact that they heard it from someone else pisses me off to know end. I know you can't see me right now because this is the internet, except I guess you can see someone over the internet, but that's not how blogs work, except for vlogs, but sorry, going off on tangents, a little panicky right now, anyways, I know you can't see me, but right now I'm shaking pretty hard and trying not to completely break down. I'm a little scared right now about the very likely possibility that my mother won't speak to me when she finds out. I just I had more time is all. Anyways, right now, just gonna try not to freak out too bad, and maybe it won't be so bad.

Or maybe they will. That's the part I'm worried about.

An Average Night at Adonis

www.nataliedee.com
A few things I've noticed while working at Adonis:

- All customers will try to hook up with you in the same basic way: First, they will ask you to go back to their place in broken English. You will say "No" without even having to think about it. He will completely disregard your response, and ask you again, going into great detail and using the most vulgar terms possible. You will say "No" again. Finally, they will offer you $100 to spend the night with them, despite the fact that you can make way more by having sex with someone less disgusting for far less time. You will say "No", then ditch their dumb ass. Thankfully, the music is usually loud enough that you can tell them to go fuck themselves in no uncertain terms without their knowledge.

- Despite telling them numerous times that their is no grabbing of the junk during lap dances, this will not stop customers from playing "Chicken" with your junk, seeing how far they can go before you brush off their perv-o mitts. No amount of signs are protestations will convince them to stop being such a friggin' douche.

- Drinking too much is a VERY bad idea, as doing so will only lead to you to do stupid shit and give your cell number to guys who don't seem to realize that your not answering calls means "Leave me the fuck alone, man skank, 'cause you're not stickin' your sausage in my hot pocket".

- All strip clubs apparently employ at least one charity case that makes all other dancers look better by comparison. You'll probably feel bad for thinking this, until you realize that literally EVERYONE else is thinking the EXACT SAME THING.

- The other dancers are total sweethearts, although they do have a rather strange habit of breaking out into song. In disturbingly good unison I might add. It treads the line between impressive and terrifying.

Five Freebies Friday!

Okay, so since this blog is severely lacking in the eye-candy department, I'm starting a new feature: Five Freebies Friday. Basically, I pick the five most fuckable guys of the week and then post pretty pictures of them. Sounds good? Tits. Well, here we go.

#5: Justin Long

For starring in a horror movie that was actually...good.


#4: Kiefer Sutherland

For ripping Ben Stiller a new one at the MTV Movie Awards.


#3: Rob Romoni

For being equal parts hysterical and crazy on Twitter.


#2: Chris Pine

For yanking his head out of his ass and dumping Audrina Patridge.


#1: Bradley Cooper

For Than Hangover, which was surprisingly not shitty.

I'm Retarded!

www.nataliedee.com
Yeah, so guess who managed to fail two of his courses? Me! No, really, I'm a fucking genius aren't I? Between this and my continuing inability to pole dance without falling into a pile of gangly, crumpled limbs, I'm starting to feel like a big ol' idiot. Trained monkeys seem intelligent by comparison.

Ooooh, and it gets better. You may or may not be able to tell from some of my scenes, but I'm actually naturally hairy. Ridonkulously so, actually. Needless to say, I go through razors like breath mints. Unfortunately, my Dad took notice, and decided to take action...by buying me Nair.

...Yeeeeeah.

Not content to stop at just one act of horrible awkwardness, he then decided to tell me by yelling it across the entire house. Despite the fact that I was in the room right next to his. Nice. I'm pretty sure he was born without an embarrassment chip, which would explain his inability to feel shame.

5 Reasons Why Survival-Horror Games Aren't Actually Horrifying

With E3 currently in full-swing, it's a good time to be a socially maladjusted nerd...Well, kinda. With the Xbox 360 and PS3 trying to establish dominance in the field of gritty and realistic (read: brown and gray) FPS sequels Wii little more than a dumping ground for shitty third-party casual, the standards of great games has kinda dropped drastically. The worst offender of the lot? The survival-horror. Not because they aren't good games, it's just that...well, they're not scary. At all. Where the fuck did they go wrong?

#5: Save-points

Okay, so admittedly, this one is kind of a double-edged sword. Having too few of these is just irritating as fuck. Ever needed to get out the door when you desperately need to save four hours worth of playtime? Not fun. However, too many of these, and get ready to suck the scary out of it. Dying (at least in video game terms) kind of loses its impact when you realize that you have an army of expendable clones at your disposal. Kinda sucks the fun out of it, huh?

#4: Weapons

Do you know why no one in Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street ever whipped out a rocket launcher and blew Freddy and Jason into meaty salsa? Because then the entire move would be boring, pointless, and about five minutes in duration. So why the fuck would you give one to the player? Furthermore, it's hard to be afraid when the main character looks and acts like a brick shithouse in a bulletproof vest.

#3: The Plot

Hey, do you remember the worst horror movie you ever saw? Remember how bad the script sucked? Well, multiply that by ten and you still won't get around to the soul-crushing disappointment of the plot. The worst part? The characters all seem to live in the deepest bowels of the Uncanny Valley.

#2: The Enemies

Story time! When I was a kid, I used to play Super Mario Bros. 2 at my cousin's house all the time. It was hear that I learned to fear Phanto, a mask that chased you around and tried to kill you. Masks aren't exactly terrifying, I know, but it's the actions that were scary. All it did was chase you relentlessly until you died. That's it. It didn't pop out, go "Oogie Boogie Boo!" then sit around while you prescribed a hot lead injection.

#1: NO FUCKING IMMERSION

Do you know why shit like The Exorcist or Hellraiser were actually scary? It's because it actually immersed you into the plot. When it comes down to it, Survival-Horrors just aren't scary because they just can't make you give a shit about them.

Terminator Drags Me Up to Hell

Okay, so having seen the first three of my Top 10 Most Anticipated Summer Movies, I think it's time to do a quick recap of the lot.

Terminator: Salvation



Pro:

- Sam Worthington made me happy in the pants
- Things went boom
- Christian Bale was in it? Does that count?

Con:

- Ear-bleedingly bad dialogue.
- Gratuitous shout-outs ("Look! He said 'I'll be back!' Terrific.")
- Plot made shitballs sense.

Haiku Review:

All I can say is
Wow was this disappointing
Wasted potential


Up



Pro:

- Beautiful, emotionally deep story
- Absolutely beautiful artwork
- Characters were hysterically funny, but still entirely endearing

Con:

- So beautiful, 3-D didn't add much to it.
- ...Can't think of anything else bad about it.
- Terminator still sucked though

Haiku Review:

What else can I say?
Sweet, charming and endearing
And you will cry hard


Drag Me To Hell



Pro:

- Legitimately scary. No, seriously.
- Disgusting, absurd, but in the good way.
- Surprisingly well-written story

Con:

- Not really funny
- Not much of a backstory to the crazy gypsy lady
- I may or may not have peed my pants

Haiku Review

Holy fucking shit
I may have pissed myself
You should wear Depends.