8:00 – Hello and welcome, dear readers, to the Notes on Bar Napkins Oscar Liveblogging! Get ready for four straight hours of self-congratulatory circle jerking. First up on the Red Carpet: Kate Winslet. So far, so good.
8:03 – Tim Gunn is interviewing Amy Adams, who looks both dazzling and like a strong wind may blow her away. Also, there’s a horse on the Red Carpet, and it- Oh, wait, that’s just Sarah Jessica Parker. My bad.
8:05 – Brangelina are on the Red Carpet. They look flawless as usual. I kinda hate them.
8:09 – Valentino is up now. Fucker looks less like he shoud be making dresses and mor like he should be making chocolate for Willy Wonka. And here’s Danny Boyle backed by the entire cast of Slumdog. Holy snap that’s a lot of kids.
8:11 – Mickey Rourke is talking about his dog. I’m actually a little teary eyed. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. *Sniffed*
8:13 – RDJ MUTHAFUCKAHS! The sight of him makes me picture massive amounts of sweaty, dirty fucking. Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow.
8:15 – Miley Cyrus is here now. Time to break out the Jack Daniels. Ohhhh, it burns so good going down. Here’s Anne Hathaway to make it all better, though.
8:23 – I’m not really sure what the fuck Jack Black is doing at The Academy Awards, but he’s drunk, so carry on, you magnificent, shit-faced bastard.
8:27 – Well, like a pillow over your face while you sleep, The Red Carpet Ceremony is finally, blissfully over. On to the actual awards!
8:30 – So...Many...Crystals. And here’s Wolverine, looking particularly dapper. My god, this is self-congratulatory. He’s about two seconds away from walking into the audience and eating Meryl Streep’s Hot Pocket.
8:33 – Now we’ve got some music going. Awesome!
8:34 – Now he’s going after Benjamin Buttons. This isn’t all that funny though.
8:35 – Oh thank god, Anne Hathaway’s onstage. Yay! Damn, Girls got pipes. Now she’s throwing up the peace sign. Okay, NOW we’re getting somewhere. Anne Hathaway makes everything better.
8:38 – It’s over now. Aside from the wonderful, wonderful Anne, that was kind of a letdown. My god, he’s actually riding Frank Langella like a fucking cowboy. All of a sudden, that joke about Meryl Streep’s vagina seems vaguely prophetic.
8:43 – The first award of the night: Best Supporting Actress. Apparently, they needed five of them to read one goddamn envelope. Tilda Swinton looks like a corpse, and Goldie Hawn’s boobs look like they’re about to plop off.
8:47 – Penelope Cruz takes the award. I kinda wish Amy Adams won, but I’m more disturbed by the fact that it took four minutes and five Oscar-winning actresses to announce it. Seriously: Witef?
8:53 – Oh my God, TINA FEEEEEEEEEEEEY! Steve Martin seems to be trying to make amends for Pink Panther 2, to which I say: Nice try, but you’re gonna have to do better than that.
8:56 – God almighty, I could listen to Tina read the fucking phone book. And the award goes to Milk! Eeee! I loved In Bruges, but yay for Milk! And he’s wearing the White Ribbon! Also Eeee!
8:58 – Oh my God, he’s dedicating it to the little gay kids. I’m seriously full-on crying now.
9:01 – Surprise surprise, Slumdog Millionaire takes the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Although I have to admit, Q&A itself was a pretty good book.
9:03 – Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black are on stage. Why that is is perfectly beyond me. I think between the two of them, their greatest achievement is an MTV Movie Award, and you can pretty much find those in cereal boxes.
9:06 – Wall-E takes the award for best animated picture to the shock and awe of absolutely fucking no one. I still think it should have been nominated for Best Picture too. Come on, if you bastards can nominate a fucking Talking Pig Movie, you can throw a bone to Wall-E.
9:09 – This may be my Quebecois heritage speaking, but I visibly cringed every time these two putz-bots pronounced La Maison en Petits Cubes as LAH MAYZON ON PE-TEET COOB.
9:15 – Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker are announcing the nominees for Art Direction. This is so bland, I can’t even come up with something funny to say, although this may be because I’m cripplingly talentless. Either/or, really.
9:20 – The Duchess wins the award for Costume Design, which kinda begs the question: Am I the only one who has never heard of The Duchess here?
9:23 - The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons wins its first award. Jared, if you’re reading this, now would be a good time to get the scarf out. /inside joke.
9:25 – Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried are onstage to discuss love. Say what you will about Twilight, but Robert Pattinson is fucking charming as hell. There, I said it. Suck on it.
9:30 – I know we’re only an hour in, but my GOD is Hugh Jackman ever a boring host.
9:32 – Ha! Ben Stiller is out in full Joaquin Pheonix beard. He kinda looks like Cartman in that episode of South Park where he glues Scott Tenorman’s pubes to his face.
9:34 – And here we have Slumdog’s second win of the night. Yay? Oh fuck it, I’m bored as hell. I’m cracking open the Jack Daniels.
9:38 – Oh thank you, Jessica Biel. You’re stupid fucking dress has filled me with enough vitrol to get me through the rest of this high-class reach-around you call and Awards Show. Jesus Christ, you look like you tried to stuff your boobs with toilet paper and fucked up royally.
9:43 – Out of all the Seth Rogen movies they could have used this year, the picked Pineapple Express over Zack and Miri Make a Porno? Bah.
9:47 – Seth Rogen cracks up trying to pronounce the name of a German movie that I won’t even attempt to spell. All I know is, it’s called Toyland in English.
9:52 – So apparently, Mamma Mia grossed more in Europe than Titanic. Both movies suck pretty hard, but at least the former has Amanda Seyfried and Meryl Streep. Point is, this gives Hugh Jackman an excuse to break out into a musical number, which in turn gives me an excuse to break out into binge-drinking.
9:55 – Not only did Beyonce just start singing At Last, but it got cut off by Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. Somewhere out there, Etta James is putting a hit out on Ms. Knowles.
10:02 – Once again, it apparently takes five people to read the name off of a goddamn envelope. Also, it just dawned on me that this is the second time Philipe Seymour Hoffman has been nominated in the same acting category as Heath Ledger. Weird.
10:07 – Heath Ledger wins it. His father, mother and sister accept the award on his behalf. This without a doubt the most well-deserved award ever given out. May he rest with a sound mind and soul.
10:12 – I believe we’ve just heard our first Bleep of the night. Sweet.
10:14 – Bill Maher is apparently a bit peeved that Religulous didn’t get nominated for Best Documentary. He thinks it’s because it was about religion, when in reality, it was because it was a fucking shitty movie. Deal with it, bitch. Man On Wire takes it. Word.
10:17 – Smile Pinki wins Best Documentary Short-Subject. The weird think is, I know someone whose name is Pinki. Awesome name, huh?
10:25 – That tiny moaning sound you may have just heard was Michael Bay cumming in his pants.
10:27 – Aw, what the fuck? Benjamin Buttons won another award? And it beat out both The Dark Knight AND Iron Man. Fuck it. Send the scarf Jared. Just send the fucking Scarf.
10:28 – Wow, Will Smith fucking sucks at announcing. But at least The Dark Knight wins this one.
10:31 – Seriously, would someone PLEASE explain to me the difference between this award and the last one? Sound editing, Sound Mixing...Hell, even the nominees are EXACTLY THE SAME.
10:33 – Oh, for fuck’s sake...He’s doing a fourth award? GET THE FUCK OFF STAGE, BITCH!
10:35 – Slumdog wins yet another award for throwing a whole bunch of colourful, flashy shit on a screen. Sorry, I’m just pissed Milk is getting shut out. Suck it.
10:41 – Eddie Murphy is onstage handing a lifetime achievement award to Jerry Lewis. Sweet Jesus, it’s like The Hadron Collider just went haywire and a blackhole of comedic suck has just opened up.
10:50 – Alright, the music awards are upon us. Suddenly, I actually give two shits about The Oscars again.
10:53 – Zac Efron and Alicia Keys are onstage to present the award for Best Original Score. This is the equivalent of putting a glass of fine wine next to a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Slumdog takes it.
10:57 – What the fuck? No M.I.A.? I’ve just come down with what can only be described as the worst case of musical blue balls ever. At least John Legend is on hand to cure me with his Nutmeg. Oooooh, his sweet brown nutmeg.
10:59 – I’m not sure what is name is, but the guy in the black looks alarmingly uncomfortable. Come on, man. I’m gay and even I take the stick out of my ass every once in a while.
11:01 – Slumdog takes it for Jai Ho. I kinda liked O Saya better, but still, this was a pretty balls out terrific song. I’m still pissed at the lack of M.I.A. in this bitch. That girl is fierce.
11:05 – I think it was Genny that tipped me off about the story about how Hugh Jackman was going to do the entire ceremony drunk and naked. It’s been two and a half hours, and I still don’t see any Wolverine Peen. What a fucking gyp.
11:08 – A Japanese movie called Discipline won the award for Best Foreign Film. I think that means that all the good awards are up next. Yay!
11:10 –We’re on to the memoriam moment of the show. Scratch out that last “Yay!” and replace it with a “Sob”. Rest In Peace to all.
11:18 – Reese Witherspoon is here doing her best Jerry Blank impression to announce the winner of Best Director.
11:20 – Danny Boyle wins it for Slumdog. While I may have liked Milk more, Slumdog was a brilliant movie, and he deserves it.
11:26 – OH COME ON! THIS IS JUST AN INORDINANT AMOUNT OF PEOPLE TO ANNOUNCE A WINNER! Numbers aside, Marion Cotillard looks stunning. Come on, Hathaway...
11:30 – AAH! Oh, wow, that thing is actually talking. Holy fuck, I thought that woman was a mannequin.
11:32 – Yay for Kate Winslet! As much as I wanted Anne Hathaway to win it, Kate really did deserve the Oscar. “It’s not a shampoo bottle now!” Love her. She’s so excited to be up there, it’s just wonderful.
11:37 – Oh God, now it just sounds like a bad joke. “How many actors does it take to open an envelope? Five. That is all.” If you think this is sad, you should see them try to open a jar of pickles.
11:43 – YES! YES! OH SWEET HOLY MOTHER OF GODTOPUS YES! As wonderfully layered as Mickey Rourke’s performance was, yay for Milk!
11:45 – Sean is now taking down the Westboro Baptist Church and Prop 8 supporters down a peg. Fuck all of you pieces of shit!
11:47 – FINALLY. The nominees for best picture. About damn time. And look; it only takes ONE person to announce it! Okay, I’m done with that.
11:52 – Slumdog Millionaire wins the award for Best Motion Picture. Okay, I liked Milk better, but still, it’s nice to see a feel good movie finally take it.
11:55 – It’s over! It’s finally, finally over! Oh wow, aside from Sean Penn’s win, this has been painfully boring. And as sexy as Hugh Jackman is, my god is he ever a dreadful host. Bring back Jon Stewart, dammit!
Well, I wish I could say it was fun, but I’d be lying. Oh well, I got to extol a heaping helping of snark, and that makes me happy. Anyways, until next year, cheers!